THe perfect mix takes the perfect songs takes hours days weeks of hunting at festivals on soundcloud in blogs at my friends sets on beatport for those songs that to me are perfect and then to find lots of them in different genres, sometimes I think it would be easier to make them, but the perfect songs are the ones that never clear the dance floor that the 40 yearold lady and the 20 yearold burner are into, the perfect songs to me are the ones people who dont even know what glitch hop or dubstep is love, and those songs are like needles in a haystack.

As a artist, songwriter and producer Dj’ing has become a great way to really learn what works and doesnt I figured out with singing what works and doesnt, and some of the songs I write are not dance songs, but rather then limit myself to a box I choose electronica as a box its a big box, with lots of options, i understand why so many DJs produce and what so many people who kill it as a DJ were musicians or producers first. But if you make electronic music you pretty much have to be a DJ now, or else you’ll be living at your moms house or girlfriends like so many do or have, because it seems people who love electronic music are also super geeks and figured out how to get it all for free. My first record moved enough for me to think I could just stay at home and hide behind my computers and make music, but then the industry changed and I realized I had to come out.

I was painfully shy, I used to not be then had been torn to pieces by people and situations which in retrospect did it to control me, but in my head I just was afraid of the lions dean the sharks and the wolf pits so I would be really open and share my life art and music through a screen cause I could be hidden in a castle away from the sharks on the otherside and if someone was mean I would just delete it . Real lifes not like that, but I realized I had to play out on a stage or else I was never going to evolve.

I was terrified  I mean getting on a stage where lots of people are looking at you is intense, more so when all you knew was people trying to tear you off the stage from your past, so my first incarnation was in a band full of very intense men, who to me were like a army and I felt safe in there, until that world had its own internal complications and I knew I had to evolve again, then I partnered up with another person who I viewed as strong and safe, and I wasnt alone on the stage, and it lasted and I grew and then I knew I had to go to another level… but this one was alone, I realized if i was ever going to reach my goals or mainfest my dream I had to let go of my fear of getting eaten alive and put myself out there…

When I was 18 I used to DJ all my records and gear was stolen along with all my cds and it was so painful to lose it all for I had modeled and worked around the clock to afford it I was a runaway I had to figure it all out I couldn’t afford to replace it and there was no way to replace the records so many were rare,I just let it all go, and focused on singing producing and songwriting then I realized I could fuse it all together my love for DJ’ing, my songwriting, my productions, my love for electronic music and hybrid all of it together for a live show.

My obsession was now not only with writing great songs, working on great productions, being a present performer but also with infusing all the DJ skills into the mix and fusing the ability to read a crowd with the ability to mix on the spot ( my sets are never pre programmed I practice mixing live allot so I can do it in real time so I can make love to a crowd  and respond as they respond ) but then my obsession became finding or making stuff that I wanted to play which people seemed to want to hear, which had soul and feeling even if it was “dance music”

Blending all of it together is something I obsess over, just like obsessing on growing and evolving, I spend most of my time, practicing, rehearsing, writing, recording, performing, promoting music, booking gigs, hunting for music, learning new tecnology or making money to fund things I want to do, in that obsession I have learned allot what it really takes, the time it takes the focus it takes and how a hit is a hit, be it s hook or on the dance floor and a hit is music people feel in there souls and that has enough presence in it to last and go home with them, I find when I am hunting music for my DJ music what inspires me to keep it and maybe play it and what makes me skip to the next song, and I find that if I want to skip my own song I need to go back to the drawing board….

I was first trained as a classical pianist and that is pretty intense its about perfection, its about you training till you can play it perfectly, then I was a dancer same theory, hours weeks of training before doing shows, then I was a singer in NYC working with the labels and producers who all were about mastering your craft for 3 years I worked with a vocal coach for hours a day, I’ve written hundreds of songs I bury, and only recently have I stopped burying them all, because half the time I am never completely satisfied with my work I ALWAYS see how I can be better i ALWAYS SEE how I can write a better song, do a better mix sing better perform better produce mix better and I have had to have others tell me to get the fuck over it cause I can always see a way to make things better… and if I didn’t have amazing people I respected telling me it was good I would bury all my art mixes and work to be found only after i died….

But for me to not train obsessively to not work around the clock in a attempt to master the instrument ( my body mind and spirit ) so I can deliver it is a insult to the gift, and to the source.

But the fear I learned from the sharks and wolves is what I have to get over and finding that balance is sometimes difficult.  For I never want to go into the fighting ring until I have trained to fight have the muscles and know I have a chance of not getting destroyed… but what I didn’t realize for years was I could only train in the ring, and the ring is the stage is the releases is when I walk in naked with nothing but me and my friends have co created….

The first time I stepped into the ring, my heart raced I was all alone and it was then I realized it was already in me, it always had been I just had to get in the ring and take the risk of getting beat down, and if I did get beat down get up and go right back to the ring. Meanwhile spending all the hours besides eating, sleep, making love, to training learning and mastering the disciplines it takes to not only write good songs, and sing good songs and perform them fully present, but to making amazing music, …. training my mind body and spirit so when I am there I can really connect and dive in…

Once on stage there is no turning back there is no exit if I lose the crowd I lose the fight, it means I didn’t connect with them, it means I am not communicating with them, and understanding that goes way beyond making beats, its much deeper then playing the top 10 songs on beatport, when I make or look for music for me its about finding stuff that connects somehow be it about our human adventures or our spiritual ones, and I don’t care whats popular, I care about what people feel and what i feel be it in my own music or in a dubstep mix…anyone who choses to make music for a living and survives these days has to have a deep love and passion for it, but I also know how hard it is to finish a record when your working a full time job or trying to figure out how to eat, and so this work is one I do out of love, for the music for the gift and for those moments when someone comes up to me and i see it moved them they danced they cried they felt…..

because under it all

I spent my whole childhood reflecting on trying to find a way to keep people from getting eaten by the nothingness and I thought about being a missionary, or a healer, then I realized art be it visual or musicial can act like a electrical surge to the heart to the spirit and we as artist are like conduits between the source and humanity and if we use our gifts we can cut through things almost impossible to cut through without art acting as the conduit …. and so I decided to be a artist,

And  I lived through and saw some very intense things and understand why so many choose to disconnect from source, when we get really hurt its hard sometimes to know how to talk how to heal or how to share that

but music can offer a way to express things be it through dance or just by connecting to anothers soul and source through it that can help release that and alchemize it

and so when people dance i hope I am giving them a release for whatever then need it for and so

its always been a challenge between the “industry” “ego” and trying to be a good conduit…

and now back to my obsession

the girl with the machete

There is a little girl who used to be in my dreams all the time, she had a machete and she would come after me to try to kill me, for years I tried to stop her till one day i did when I realized in the dream she just needed love and so rather then fearing her I reached out to hug her and she put down the machete…

Sitting in my beautiful loft with my beautiful boyfriend in a beautiful city eating the best food on this planet drinking water from a 3k machine all of the sudden all I wanted to do was to cut myself, or shoot heroin , or break a glass, my reality wouldn’t be cause of such emotions, but the day before in the middle of rehearsing and setting up the space for a event I received a letter from my mother with words that never cease to cut and all of the sudden it was a flood gate of feelings I hadn’t felt very much since childhood.

Flashes of things that I won’t write came to mind, I didn’t know how to talk about it so I took a bottle of wine to the roof and curled up in the cold under the stars and just let as much as I could out. The next day people where here things were happening and i just wanted to run, run far and fast. i tried to escape and didn’t get passed the hall, where another breakdown happened, I don’t like to “bother” people with emotions that aren’t ” perfect” its a program I am trying to forget but always being pretty and perfect was a art form I had learned…

The day continued until something inside of me needed out, of the busy, out of the work, out of the trying to complete lots of projects and I got sent to the sauna, a place where i meditate more then anywhere. Meanwhile guest were arriving for my birthday and I wasn’t there I was in the sauna meeting head on with the girl and the machete….

I layer back as my body sweated as I felt the peace of silence and the cocoon of the walls wrapping around me.  I went inside to met her and to negotiate I realized she was coming after me to kill me, and all the pain and rage and anger she felt was getting turned on me…

In the meeting I realize she had learned to attack me ( i learned to internalize ) everything I felt, because I feared becoming like those who were abusive so much I never wanted to be angry, because often in the abuse it was out of anger and uncontrolled anger . But the girl with the machete was a fighter and a very good one, and she had a weapon for a reason but because I had refused to allow myself to feel or be angry at others even if they did very harmful things to me, she was taught when something hurt to just hurt it more to override the pain …

But in this meeting I realized she needed to understand it was ok to be angry at those who beat, raped, who were emotionally, abusive, it was ok to be a fighter and it was even ok for her to have a machete, that machete could be used to protect us in the future, but it needs to be used properly and attacking ourselves because we think its our fault we were raped, abused or harmed isn’t using the weapon properly….

then I gave her a mission…

I have a idea… lets go back to the underworld and we’ll take the machete and lets go find all the pieces of our hearts, all the joy , all the dreams, they tried to take, and get them all back, and while were at it, lets look for anymore strings stuck to our hearts and spirits taking energy from us and lets cut them, you can use your machete for that, lets go and fight for our dreams and spirit, we don’t have to cave or be slaves to anyone or anything else…

And we can use all this to protect ourselves and if there is ever a next time someone tries to harm us we can fight back, its ok to use that machete if we have to , ideally we never have to fight like that we can just escape and avoid the conflict but if it happens you now have permission to take the machete and use it as a weapon not on us but to fight to protect us if we ever need it…

I made it home for my party, it was beautiful, I cried when a room full of people sang me happy birthday… The next day I realized how lucky I was to still be here and to have a little fighter inside who’s very skilled with a machete now I just need to train her to use it for justice and protection and not be afraid of it rather embrace it and use it for creating and protecting hearts and dreams

March 25 2012

I used to blog all the time, then I felt I couldn’t share so much, too many people were reading. Now I feel like no one reads them anymore, they just look at my tweets and statues updates so I feel like I can blog again.  For some reason I am always able to say more of how I actually feel in words, be it in a song or in a blog. Part of me feels safer here behind this screen. People still scare me sometimes, I trust some but still find them the most complex animal I never seem to fully understand. I like to communicate through art, through music, for I feel it bypasses all the misunderstandings and speaks to the soul . It is why I make art to communicate …..

I make list I made list of making music that charted, with top remixers, top producers, I made a list asking the universe for a lover who could understand me, for a manager who saw past just the profit, for a loft with big windows, for a hybrid suv, for hit songs, for a perfect body, for lots of gigs, for amazing food, amazing friends, amazing adventures….

its like a prayer, and it all happened…..

Now I am sitting in this beautiful world, in a beautiful home, with an amazing manager, an amazing producer, an amazing lover, amazing friends, my songs are all charting, and i have more then I can get out of my head, shows have all been going really well, photo shoots have been booking left and right, I have been getting auditions for top projects, I eat the best food you can buy I drink the best wine and have good coffee…

I have two kittys who love me, my life seems perfect even to me, its everything I worked for and continue to work for, and with every charting song, every approval every yes… part of me battles harder with each  accomplishment…

how do I grow, how do I write better songs, how do i sing better how do i get my body to be even more perfect, how can i find the perfect tracks for the perfect moment….

and then comes those days….. everything looks perfect… ? On the outside I never show this… I only blog it and burry it in pictures because if you care enough to read then you deserve to know…

everything seemed so perfect and then, something happened,  in the midst of all my  dreams coming true, I realized how fragile it all is, how none of it is anything more then a box of cards, how my perfect life could crumble at any second and everyone I love could vanish and I would be forgotten in a moment as a model and as a artist, and then it all felt unsteady, and then comes in the howling….

I feel like my past was like being with the mafia and in someways it was… “you’ll never get out of here alive” ” no one will ever want you ” ” you can’t do anything other then this ” ” no one really loves you ” ” your music sucks” ” you can’t sing ” ” you may as well sell yourself cause thats all your worth” and ” no one can ever really love you “

the howling… like the scars up and down my arms, reminds me of another world one far away, one I did make it out alive, one that still lingers in my memories , a world where abuse rape lies deception negativity were all very real, a world where being kidnapped and raped for days on end was real, a world where love and trust were lost in the confusion of master mind manipulators… a world where I was nothing more then vampire meat for a moment, at least to them, a world I vowed I would escape and I would become like them, i would become as strong as them, and I would fight like them, I would become the hunter, but I would not hunt for sport, or just for the kill….

A world which taught me what strength and compassion really means, and also what it means to fight for what you believe in, but sometimes I see it, I feel it, I know its all around me, that world is the flip the yin of the yang the shadow of the light and to deny its existence is to play the fool who ends up a slave without ever realizing it…

Sometimes it comes head on, and meets me… in my dreams in my waking

I dream I was trapped in the old world, trying to get back to my real world, trapped in a world where I had no ability to say no, a world where if someone wanted they just took , a world where I wasn’t able to defend myself a world where I didn’t know the escape… in the dream I kept trying to get on a plane to leave that world and come back to mine, but the hallways in the airport became a labyrinth a maze back to those who told me, I was only good for sex, only good for this, cause no one else wanted me or would love me

in the shadows lurks the ghost of my mother in her silence as her punishment for my anti religious choices a world where I wanted out but couldn’t find the door, then on my phone was my first rapist, texting me, sharing things I never wanted to envision again in my life… and in that world I wanted out……

I woke up… real world, perfect world… but I couldn’t shake the feeling,  like someone who escaped a war still waking up afraid a bombs about to land and blow it all up…

Everything is ok, i am safe, everything is ok I am safe…

its all in my mind……. Its my creation

I don’t want to go backward I dont want to return

I walk outside i see them, I feel them, “invisible”   they see me they feel me ” no not a inch”   this is my body, this is my life, this is my dream, I am not here to be interrupted I am not here to be your dinner I am not here for you, this is my space, this is my dream and you can stay in yours….

I find my dragon, go guard the doors and windows, my dragon is always with me, I can feel it, I used to be afraid of the dragon until I realized it protected me and my dream….

But then there was this one day,  I was alone, I forgot I wasn’t alone, I forgot how to call, how to ask for help, how to reach out, I locked myself in my own castle which became a prison, all of the sudden I felt it all
everything I’ve spent a life time healing, working with, working through, I felt the blows, cascade internally, externally I looked around for something for someone, I felt like I was sinking, I felt like everything was falling apart, I felt everything that had happened as if it was happening… flashbacks can be fun this one wasn’t
I tried calling a few people no one picked up, I looked at my Facebook, tempted to statues update the truth, I feel like jumping, or cutting or something, something drastic, to channel all this , I know its a feeling, I know it will pass, I know its just coming up to come out, but then I got lost in it, and once in it didn’t know how to get out not without returning to the old exit….

which was to override the feeling with another feeling, and although its not “bad” its also a pattern I have been working on breaking….

outside everything was still perfect, but inside I got lost, somewhere in the past, and i know stay present stay in the moment, but what do you do when the moment triggers the past? how do you deal with a past you ran from for most of your life? and so I worked through it with some help and then was back here…..

I am trying to learn what it means to feel safe, as a child i never felt safe due to a world which exploded all the time, then I found safety in isolation, but it was also isolation, and even though part of me still runs to hide in it, i am trying to come out from behind the screen, behind my bones, behind my fear, behind my doubt, I want to trust people, I want to trust situations, but for so long I didn’t know what it meant to feel safe, and I get confused, I want to feel safe, but part of me only knows a world where it didn’t exist for so long unless I was isolated in my own self protection prision…

But living in a cage even one I built to keep myself safe is no way to live, its not the dream, but isolating and pulling away and building a castle around my heart was the only way I could keep it….

and I wear black to keep away the darkness , and I dont look in your eyes unless I feel safe, and I hide in the shadows to avoid being seen because I don’t like pulling bullets out and there are many who shoot them aimlessly and unaware of the harm they cause…

there are places in this world I feel safe, I feel I can come out and play and others where it is as if someone stole everybody’s soul and there hungry for light and if they see it they will just try to take it…. without care for the soul its attached too….

I am not dark.. I know the dark , I have seen the dark, I have felt what happens when people lose their empathy, their compassion , and they become hungry ghost, and if I encounter a hungry ghost I try to disappear from its view……

in order to never become one that needs to feed on anything other then the sun

sometimes I forget I get lost in the program in the system that says i need more… for a moment , while walking down this path…. sometimes I lose sight of the un under the clouds…

but then i remember

this is my dream
and I can spin it from the sun and the moon
the water and the earth
the trees and the animals

I am part of the all
and all is within me
and all i will ever need
is all here

and everything else is the trap to steal energy

clarity

sometimes its hard to see part my own perception
and sometimes its hard to reach out
in a world where it seems
there is hardly any time left
for our souls

in all the work
and all the to do
in all the projects
and all the buzz

sometimes though i have to stop everything or else nothing makes sense

how can i dream if i can’t see
how can i create if i can’t dream
how can i love if i am not here

and so sometimes

i just stop it all

long enough to see

the dream
and create

the next one

i write this story

from a dream
within a dream’

\

Confess
(c) Jillian Ann

It’s no secret by now
I don’t always go home
I have a tendency to roam

I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess

I’m doing what I was taught
was so wrong openly breaking all of the rules
but baby its just to be closer to you

I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess

I’ve exchanged mere morality
With all its judgements and hypocrisy
To let love be the only ruler of me

I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess

I’ll confess I’ll never be a saint
Cause love takes me astray
Lord knows I try to behave
But when love comes around
No walls can hold me down

I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess
Directed, Photographed & Edited by Billy Sheahan
Featuring Rachael Weathers
“Confess” written and performed by Jillian Ann with Bruce Somers, Producer, Composer, Engineer
Hair/Makeup and styling by Chelsy Usher
Color Correction by Kelly Armstrong
Assistant Director & Visual FX, Katrina Nelken
Wardrobe by S&G Clothing

I love this track you can buy it Here or clicking below

I posted the Lyrics and also a few other things, it was featured on the front page of beatport ( yay )

It’s being played on BBC 1xtra ( hear the clip here ) the remix by Enei already and other places rumor has it

Please check out the whole record and buy it so we can hang out and make more music …

Below is the music + lyrics + screen shot spread and share

Love Again
© Jillian Ann + John B

Hard to say goodbye
Hard to say goodbye
Hard to say goodbye
Hard to say goodbye

its hard to say goodbye
but I believe we’ll love again
its hard to say goodbye
yes I believe we’ll love again
its hard to say goodbye
but I believe we’ll love again
its hard to say goodbye
yes I believe we’ll love again

You’ve gone missing when
I looked into your eyes
They were empty
Our fire had died
The time has come
to turn the page
somethings
just aren’t meant to last
and I know we never wanted
it to end this way
all the words we wish we had
never said
but sometimes the fire
burns out of control

Star crossed lovers
from a different life
maybe next time
you’ll be mine
Star crossed lovers
from a different life
maybe next time
you’ll be mine
Star crossed lovers
from a different life

Hard to say goodbye
Hard to say goodbye
Hard to say goodbye
Hard to say goodbye

its hard to say goodbye
but I believe we’ll love again
its hard to say goodbye
yes I believe we’ll love again
its hard to say goodbye
but I believe we’ll love again
its hard to say goodbye
yes I believe we’ll love again

2012

front page feature on beatport

and this is the clip from the BBC 1xtra

and if your still reading please join my mailing list <3

My track with Carly-D Labrat and Dr Knobz came out on Gruntworthy Records Today

it was featured on the front page of Beatports Glitch Hop Page

You can Hear and listen to the track below

I am also posting a capture of the feature and the lyrics

Beauty & The Bass
©
Jillian Ann + Carly D

Music is my weapon of mass seduction
Beauty and the Bass

Lets get lost now
tear my walls down
strip it all away
show me what you hide

Lets get lost now
tear my walls down
strip it all away
show me what you hide

They warned me of your animalistic side
but I happen to like such things
so just let the beast come out tonight
show me your animalistic side
I like it rough so do it like the boys
I happen to like such things
so just let the beast come out tonight
show me your animalistic side

and I’ll surrender
if you answer my call
show me intensity
and I’ll give you my all
and I’ll surrender

Beauty and the Bass
Beauty and the Bass
Beauty and the Bass
Beauty and the Bass

and now i am bragging

Get the track and join the email list

<3

Everything seems perfect beautiful room, beautiful friends, beautiful conversations, over amazing port wines in a beautiful place. I soak in a long bath work on music and fall asleep, I wake up around three am with my heart pounding,  and lots of things passing through, I try to count sheep, I try to go back to sleep, I eventually take 10 more milligrams of melatonin and another 950 milligrams of valerian root , to attempt to shut off the signal to shut off the energy so I can sleep…

Enter dreamlandia a world which last night despite my beautiful reality was dark in my dreams I saw things, I felt things, but I could do nothing, except accept things, allow things to unfold as they may all around me, watching things unfold which on some deep level caused me to feel a sense of sadness a deep sadness one I know well one I have spent a lifetime working with one that I feel almost infects all of us to some degree until we make a stand to overcome it…

In my dreams I couldn’t tell if i was dreaming or awake slipping between worlds between times between countries between worlds, in the dream I dug into why it felt dark in the morning I woke up and went for a walk.

The snow covered mountains became my backdrop the icey cold air awoke my dream like mind due to a overdose of herbs in attempts to turn my mind off,

What makes something poison for our spirits? why do things hurt ? what is real? what is my projections? what is fear? what is the truth? what takes an act that can be healing and turn it into harming…

I reflected on this…

The only difference between sexual abuse assault and or harm and making love is the intention…..
The act is the same, but it is the intention behind it, the motivation behind it, the care and concern for another above yourself that makes the difference between harmful and healing, loving and selfish

Why do we do what we do? why do I want to sleep with someone? why do I want to consume wine? why do I want your energy or to share energy?

This is not a new subject for me,  its one I have spent years reflecting observing practicing and falling face down over…..

Once there was someone I was so attracted to the thought of not being with them was as if someone ripped out my heart and left me alone empty, I realized this was about as unhealthy as it could get because my attraction to them had nothing to do with loving them, but rather they were a photo copy of a pattern one that involved a part of me that got so hurt I was trying to fix my past through someone else, my attraction to them was to a energy that they carried that mixed with a energy I carried would mainfest a pattern which controlled me worse then any drug this pattern was a imprint that had been made when I was young this pattern had to do with me trying to earn, fix, save, heal, be good enough, deserve love, and so I was attracted to someone who recreated the pattern of me always chasing something I could never find, but yet it was stronger then any drug, any need, any healthy desire.

When I realized I had to break this or else it would control me for the rest of my life I took some extreme measures, to become aware, to become present to really question my intention on why I wanted to be with someone, to be in a relationship, to sleep with someone, and if when I really tore it apart and reduced it to the core honestly it was the pattern or anything close I would end it. no matter how much I wanted to be with someone, no matter how much I felt like I needed them…

The moment it became a desperate need for that energy exchange I knew I was back in the pattern, it wasn’t love it was my wound talking to there wound, my poison attracting their poison so together we could initially feel like we were in love, but the truth was we were just re playing a role, re creating a imprint,

I realized the ONLY way to know the difference between the attraction I felt from the poison and the attraction I felt because it was healthy and loving was time and space and awareness…

If it was the poison I would feel huge energetic drops the moment they left, the need would overwhelm everything else including my own health, balance, and work, it would be like a addiction one I couldn’t say no to, if I found myself making boundaries and breaking them in some desperate attempt to connect I knew there was more going on. I also found if its the poison causing the attraction if you don’t act on it, but give it around a year to just be without indulging in blending energy fields it will become very clear if its healthy or if its based on repeating patterns that keep us stuck in energetic cycles that often lead to nuclear explosions and heart breaks…

If it was healthy

I may never feel the need so intensely     I would destroy my own boundaries over it, usually it felt stable, balanced, safe, easy, peaceful,  that vibration was hard to adjust to I was used to be attracted to people who recreated the pattern, who would leave, who were not fully present, who didn’t even know me really, much love me, but yet it felt like LOVE for a few months till the reality sunk in and I realized they were not lifting me up but I was on a roller coaster that was dropping me down more and more because of the constant distraction it provided my heart and mind from actually doing the work and or accomplishing anything but healthy…

Healthy sometimes felt boring, but I realized I have a choice now

Healthy allows me to focus my energy on creating, on doing the work, on evolving, on expanding, on growing rather then constantly working to keep my head above water because overtime the pattern is recreated it drops me ten thousand feet into the depths of the ocean and leaves me there…..until i swim back to shore…..

and it requires me to stand back
to pull away
to pull in
to pull back

and really look into my own intention
into my own choices
into my own heart

if I am not present, If I am not connected
if there is no peace
then I have to really seek why I am doing it, and if I am doing it out of the intention to love and grow or the intention of trying to fix something in my past…

I know I cant go back through someone else to heal a situation with another person from a long time ago
just like I know I cant find my father through a lover
or heal the wounds from rape from allowing someone to use me in a similar way to ease the pain for a moment….

and so the only difference between what becomes poison and what becomes healing is intention
not only regarding oneself but also the other

love puts anothers needs ahead of desires and wants

abuse is a extreme of not caring about another more then your own desire

rape is the extreme of that on steroids when someone cares nothing for the one they are taking from

but that energy can be subtle and its sneaky….and so often it takes time and space to really see whats going on

without that its easy to repeat patterns unaware

and now back to the snow

This is serious .. I said as I looked at his face
hidden in the night under the blackened sky
“yes it is” I know or else you wouldn’t have come
to visit me …

On the table in front of me he laid out
my entire life, the tools I had gathered
the things I had learned, the gifts I had
been given I saw the pieces as they
were laid out one by one…

Do you see the board ?
Yes ,
Do you understand the game?
I believe so …
Then how do you play ? to win or lose ?
neither, you just play
Correct for if you limit the game if you perceive
something as winning or losing you therefore
limit the game and yourself….

Example…
Remember when you were drugged, kidnapped,raped
yes.. was that winning or losing
neither, for what i learned helped me more then the momentary pain
when you were at the height of your musical career and the project
dissolved was that winning or losing
neither for without that I would never had opened the doors which
created these future opportunities
When you fell in love and thought they were the one and then they were gone
neither for without the lose I would have never loved this person who taught me
this ..

He drew a line across the board…
Now what are you going to do….

I looked at the board with all of the pieces
all of the gifts with a map of the world
a map of dreams a map of possibilities

We are going to raise the stakes now
everything in on the board
your entire life, all your dreams, everyone you love and loved
Your pride, your fear, your insecurities, your shadows, your past,
the things that hurt you the most and the things that you fear the most
they are all on the board..

I looked at him… so if you came then you came to show me
something I don’t already know

The silence drew in as the sun started to rise

Your next move means risking everything you are and have been
for in order for you to move forward you must take all the things
you fear, everything that hurt you, every memory, every trauma,
every secret, every doubt, every thing people use against you,
everything you believed, every insecurity every self doubt, all the
things that hold you back and place them on the board
anything your still keeping inside you most now take out
and use it, use all of it, and fear none of it, or else it will prevent you
from playing with your whole being…

If you play with any less then every ounce of energy then you ….

“aren’t really playing”

I am just watching then as other play, and i become like the
pieces on the board…

he looked out as the sun started to crack over the city

You can run away now and he turned toward the rising sun..

I looked at him, but if I run then I may as well end this game
once and for all,

But if you stay you have to risk everything or else
your not actually playing

I know…

Do you understand the risk if you continue to play ?

I looked out a thousand things flashed inside of my third eye

yes.. I understand what I am risking, I understand it may not be the easiest
thing to do, but yet to run despite my fears, despite my doubts, would be to never really live…

It would be to live as many live, to wake up to do things you don’t even understand why you do them, to believe things you don’t even understand why to believe, to secretly never feel loved, to secretly never feel ok, then to end up trying to numb the never ending hunting inside that says something is wrong with pills, or drugs, or some distraction, and to live always distracting yourself from yourself because you ran from yourself and you never played you were always but a piece being played is to never really live and I would rather end the game and move out of this world and body into another… I see them everywhere there not here, there somewhere else, and if I ask them things they look away, their eyes glass over I feel their hearts push out, and then they say… everything is ok…. as they then turn and go back into the machine, plug in , distract and silence the voice inside…

I don’t want to live like that …

So Yes I understand the risk, I understand the cliff I understand the fall, I understand the pain, I understand the great heights and depths I may have to travel and yet even though part of me wants to run, I know

there is nowhere to run, so I either play or am played and I already put everything on the board

my love
my heart
my money
my pride
my time
my family
my ego
my body
my soul
my life…

he looked at me….

fine then be prepared to play with everything you are and everything you can become and never look back and never let yourself doubt your dreams and never forget why you play

ahhhhh

Thats the hard part, thats the trick, for in this world in this town they teach you to play for money, for love, for fame, for power, but that can’t be the reason you play or you’ll never really play, for when you have something to lose you can’t give your all and so only when you have nothing to lose or win can you ever really play…

very few really play you have seen them they are forever remembered for when they play and how they play can change the game

He looked away

Are you still going to play….?

Yes…

Why are you going to play ?

For the things I never speak about

But i know and you know

the city closed in….

The time is now

I know

So go and play

Play till your light leaves your body
Till the sun fails to rise
Till there is nothing left
play with all of your
mind body and heart
play for the things
you don’t speak about
……..

He drew a line

Remember why you play
Remember to play
and Remember never to forget
the one rule that overcomes all the others
there is only one way to really play
and that is by playing
willing to lose everything
willing to give everything
willing to walk with nothing

I looked up…

what would the world be like
if everyone knew
you couldn’t win
you couldn’t lose
you can only really play?

what if the whole world knew
you cant lose love
you cant lose things
you cant own love
you cant own things

what if the whole world remembered
who we are
who we can be
who we would become
if we could see the truth

but the truth was lost
in a game others created
with rules to rule
in fear and doubt
but there is no fear
when there is nothing to lose

I looked at the fading stars
I am part of that
I looked at the rising sun
I am part of that
I looked at the sky
I am part of that
and when I leave this body
I got back to that
and I cannot carry
anything but light

so now…..

I chose to play

……
Then it was over
he was gone
and I remembered everything
as if it was a dream

I need to write I understand what I am about to write about may not all be sunshine and hearts but its real and I feel I need to do something with it because keeping it all inside is starting to burst at the seems…

I understand nothing has changed we are in the same cycle as before, but what I am seeing and have experienced in this area causes me concern. I lost my best friend shortly after the patriot act was passed he was framed arrested and killed before i could do anything about it . I saw up close and personally what happens when someone is “marked” or “put on the list” he was a artist and activist he was nothing more he wasn’t a threat to anyone or anything the only thing he did wrong was have an opinion .

A week before he was killed I had a dream it was the most intense dream I ever had something came into my dream it was half human half droid it shot me in the arm with something and said you will be silenced, and then I woke up, but when I woke up I couldn’t stay conscious I kept passing out, eventually it passed exactly a week later my best friend who was the one person I talked to everyday was gone…

I stayed away from politics ever since, there was much I wanted to say and express, for having your best friend and family taken away when they were innocent by some strange silent in the night stranger is enough to make you think twice. Since then I have been aware we all die, and death isn’t the end so I am not afraid of it, but to say I don’t have a hard time with some of the things going on in this world would be a lie.

I have a hard time with people being killed for no reason other then maybe disagreeing, i have a hard time with religions who outcast others due to what they believe, I have a hard time with people who say they love you unconditionally but then when you don’t follow there system cut you off, its challenging to process it all sometimes and to try to find an understanding on why people behave in such a way….

to kill anyone is a thought that makes me sad, I feel bad for letting someone down, much less to actually hurt someone, but to kill someone for not reason other then them disagreeing and yet we do it all the time…our country does it, we do it in our thoughts, we do it over religion, sex, color, class, the separation and division fueled by fear keeps us stuck in this cycle one that I feel if we don’t break will just lead humanity through the same rising and falling we have experienced so many times….

I went to the protest, because my friends were there and I live down the street, and what I saw left me with the feeling I had before 911 the feeling I had before the earthquake in Japan, the feeling that something is happening here which will lead to an energetic shift which if not met with an equal one of love hope art and alternative paths could tip a very delicate balance thats already on edge over…….

Watching the police state versus the people I felt a deep sadness, to see the police without emotion, as if their hearts had been trained out of them, to see most of the protesters be peaceful but others full of anger, from years of suppression and pain, to see them face to face was like being at the center of a battle field, and the only thing i knew how to do was to walk in-between the police and the protesters doing everything I could to prevent that one strike which could have set the whole thing mad. The air was as thick as a knife, as the police pushed everyone out and then away, and I already know what will happen next, at the next protest there will be more police, and more will be filed and put in jail, if anyone starts anything violent it will turn mad, and sadly with the intensity this world is going through I feel its only time before it gets worse… unless we do something to shift it….

how can we fix it ? how can we end the violence ? how can we not all be but pawns in some other persons game ?

i don’t want to lose another friend to that energy,

I feel personally even though I care about whats going on out there and it breaks my heart to see and be aware of many of the injustices in our world that the best thing I can do is focus on art and music and finding solutions to help resolve some of the suffering….

To help find ways to connect the dots so more people can eat, more people can survive, more people can feel loved and happy, in hopes that by mending and melting enough hearts eventually war will no longer be needed…

and so I work …in this attempt to use everything I have an am to try to turn just one heart away from that energy, from becoming willing

to stand and look another human in the eye

and not feel

and not see

and not connect

to the heart and soul within…

for what I saw with the thousands of police in riot gear was that, the empty eyes of those trained to harm or to kill if needed there own family over an idea…..

the ONLY way I know of to stop a war before it happens is to REACH their HEARTS

and WE can do that with love capsulated however we can find ways to capsulate it and get it inside of the hearts of as many as possible

for to me the battle is in the heart and soul of every being
and the battle is not about money or power or countries
but about them remembering

love, how to love and that we are all one….

to kill one is to kill oneself

and so the only thing I know how to do now with all I feel and see

is to try to take as much love as I can and wrap it in bullets of sound picture films and get it

into as many hearts as possible

so when we are faced with that choice to love or hate
to kill or heal

we wont forget

who we really are and what really matters…..

and so with this

I send my love

to everyone

even the ones who have killed those i loved

xo
Jillian Ann