The Song, The Production, The Video, The Remixes , The Website
The Song
“Confess”
was inspired years ago, as I observed in others and ended up being the target of harsh judgments and condemnation over choices in sexuality and lifestyle. I grew up in Georgia, in a very religious home where I was told that having sex before marriage was evil, homosexuals and bisexuals were damned and basically that sex was evil and a corrupting influence. Looking back, it’s a good thing that most of the people who held these beliefs did not even suspect there were such things as transsexuals or gay couples with children or it would have made the average church goers apoplectic. I, and countless other children, were programmed to believe these things and it caused me to have a intense internal battles for years even as I went forth and met some pretty great people who were damned for all eternity.
Confess
was written while I was living in New York. I remember that I was coming home from a weekend spent with my lover at the time, I was on the train and it was Sunday morning and I wrote the chorus first, then went home and wrote the rest of the song.
It was a moment of light piercing through all I had known, a moment of making a choice to live and love without regret, to love those I love despite them being a man or a woman, to love how I love, be it a way which some don’t understand and or accept. In a world where I feel religion has been used to suppress our own natural awareness and path and that has separated sexuality and spirituality as well as caused many to feel guilty or wrong about their natural selves. I wanted to stand for something else.
This song was my way of taking back something for myself, believing in something because it felt right in my heart and soul despite rules and limitations that were created by a bunch of dead men in order to keep me controlled and unaware or living in guilt and shame. Sexuality and spirituality are closely linked for me, but suppression and hypocrisy create a world in which the molesting of children, rape, and general sexual abuse happens all the time and are quietly swept under the covers. Meanwhile gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals and those who prefer to play darker are demonized and labeled evil and told they are going to burn in hell forever. After years of struggling with this I came to understand that who I was and how I was and who my friends were was not evil or wrong. This is my response to all that tried to put me in a box, called me ‘wrong’ out of fear and programming. For me, love should not be limited, should never be deemed evil, to love someone to share your body, energy to explore different levels of trust and closeness is nothing but beautiful. It should come as no surprise that incidents of rape and domestic abuse are higher in the “bible belt” than anywhere else per capita. I personally experienced abuse and feel that in order for us to end the cycle, we have to let go of the idea that our own sexuality is evil, we should accept what is and ourselves and allow ourselves to love as we feel, guided and connected from within our hearts and spirits. The energy which leads to such tragic events as a child being raped, often comes from a deep suppression and fear created by ideas, this song is about another idea.. to love and live without regret, to love as we feel, regardless of what anyone told us, for that is their perspective and their ideas and it doesn’t make it true.
The only truth I know is how to love and after making a choice to no longer live in guilt or fear because of something someone taught me because of an idea which when put under a razor didn’t hold up has lead me to this.. so this song is a reflection of making that choice to stand up for what I believe in when it comes to love and sexuality.
To Love without Regrets…..
This is what Confess is about.
Lyrics Here
Confess
(c) Jillian Ann
It’s no secret by now
I don’t always go home
I have a tendency to roam
I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess
I’m doing what I was taught
was so wrong openly breaking all of the rules
but baby its just to be closer to you
I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess
I’ve exchanged mere morality
With all its judgements and hypocrisy
To let love be the only ruler of me
I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess
I’ll confess I’ll never be a saint
Cause love takes me astray
Lord knows I try to behave
But when love comes around
No walls can hold me down
I must confess
I love without regret
and I must confess
I live without regret
and I must confess
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdPSKZxcPTo
My partner in crime wrote an amazing behind the video piece here ( http://billysheahan.com/blog/?p=823) he may have said it all better than me;) but below is my versionIt all started through an email, as most of my life does in one way or another. I got an email from a photographer in Chicago who really wanted to shoot me. I loved his work, he loved mine, it was a perfect connection. Billy soon became one of my best friends and one of my favorite photographers to work with, (http://billysheahan.com/) he pushed me I pushed him, his home was always a cocoon, I always grew he offered me a place to create and express myself fully .
It always made for amazing pictures and a deep friendship. We both continued to evolve with our fascination with imagery and we both started to get into film and moving pictures. With the Canon D5 I saw a world of possibilities open up, and one day the light bulb went off, ” we can make a video look like a picture” with the filters and the same lighting that he used to make amazing art with me and if we could make it move then it would be epic. We did a little spot for fun
I loved how it turned out and it gave me lots of ideas,My manager was going to Midem and wanted to take some of my work with him, I wanted a video to go with the song. My dream is to have an amazing video for each song, all moving works of art. Being independent and funding this all on my own meant I was working with both limited time and very limited funds, I emailed Billy the song, which was not finished yet but telling him I thought we could make a video in the next few weeks and have it done in time for Midem. This happened during the holidays, in the winter, shooting in Chicago, details that I didn’t factor in, I just knew we had to do it and do it now, without a budget, without anything other than our creative energy and imagination. I reached out to Chelsey Usher my old roommate from New York who happens to be one amazing stylist who also happened to have moved to Chicago and asked her if she would be willing to give up her holiday weekend to make some art. She was down and not only did she rock on hair and makeup and styling she also let us use her home for shooting, the shower scene, comes from her shower ,she was sick and worked despite being ill, long days long hours she was amazing.
Once I knew we were going to shoot I contacted my friends at S&G clothing ( http://sandgclothing.com ) to see if I could pull clothing from them, I love the clothing they create and it is earth friendly, I love the values they have and their work ethic. I wanted to feature their designs in the video. The clothing really played a role in the video, after spending years in the modeling industry I like to work with and support designers who not only make amazing clothing but also try to be aware of how their work effects the planet and the culture. I love their work and support them not only because they are amazing people, amazing designers but because they are aware of what they do and how they do it. I needed my counter part, casting is always complex for me, I tend to work with people I know or friends of friends, finding someone to play my counter part, my mirror wasn’t as hard as I thought, I had a few in mind but ended up going with Rachael Weathers after she was sent to me through other photographers who told me I had a twin. She was a pleasure to work with, performed wonderfully and was super sweet and helpful on set.
The day before we were going to shoot I found out I had lost my Piano Location, I had met Deborah Vogt at a trunk show in Los Angeles the same week. While we were talking she told me she had just moved from Chicago and had been involved with a large artist community there, she currently runs Dialect Gallery in Downtown LA ( http://www.downtowndialect.com/) once I realized we didn’t have a location I called her asking if she knew of anywhere with a cool setting and a piano . She was so kind and gave me names and numbers of people to call, now let’s just reflect, this is someone I met a week before and I am calling to find a piano with no real budget and she hands over contacts as if we had known each other for years. When people are so kind and generous it gives me hope in humanity and in the further creation of a better world through our little actions. The next thing i know I am on the phone with Max Glascott of Catalyst Chicago ( http://www.myspace.com/chicatalyst ) Max was amazing he invited us over to look at the space. Once arriving I was in heaven, in fact I didn’t want to leave, studios, piano, kitchen a huge making art living life space that was not only a perfect set but the vibe was amazing. Max was super sweet and I hope we get to continue to create together, they were so kind and gave us full run of the space to work on the video. It was an space full of great things to build sets on the fly with. They made us coffee and were nothing but supportive. Shooting there was epic and fun, it ended up being so much fun I don’t think any of us wanted to leave. Max ended up doing a remix for Confess which I really love, ( http://soundcloud.com/jillianann/confess-the-abominable-twitch-seven-year-plan ) I hope to do some more music with him or go stay at Catalyst again and create even more beautiful things. Once we had all the pieces in place, Billy Rachael and I all sat down and went over my vision, we all put in our ideas, Chelsey came up with some as well, I like to work with people like that, I don’t know or see everything I may have a vision but I was working with people who all saw things I didn’t see but really helped contribute. My manager sent Jean us some inspiration and we plotted how to pull it all off in two days of shooting in the cold and snowy Chicago winter. The next thing I knew we were shooting, all of us working together, it was really beautiful for me, for years it has been my dream to create music on this level and then to create visual art to match. I have spent my life learning all of them so I could fuse them one day. The team I put together are all people I feel are amazingly talented and some of the nicest most creative people I have ever met which are the kind of people I love to create with. Shooting was so much fun, even though we were all under the gun and working around the clock the love and support made it so much fun. I was sad when it was over, and when we all had to go back to our own worlds.
I didn’t want to go, but once home Billy and I and Jean were all in close contact through the editing process, editing is such a vital part to the video, as an artist its one of the most important parts to me, I have found I like to be really involved, Billy and I went back and forth, exchanging ideas, he sent me rough drafts I would come back with ideas, at one point I went through and watched everything we shot and time coded all the parts I liked the most. Once Billy Jean and I were happy with a edit then it went to Kelly Armstrong ( http://www.colorplayground.com ), who added magic through creating beautiful color pallets to bring the colors out even more. As it really came together I was growing even more excited, I wanted to create a beautiful art pieces to express something that has often been left in the dark and or perceived as cheap, naughty, dark, bad, For me being an artist who likes to play with limitations and explore many aspects of life and sexuality I wanted to create something which showed the beauty of such things. I hope I succeeded in some way.
“Confess” music video by Jillian Ann
Directed, Photographed & Edited by Billy Sheahan
Featuring Rachael Weathers
“Confess” written and performed by Jillian Ann with Bruce Somers, Producer, Composer, Engineer
Hair/Makeup and styling by Chelsy Usher
Color Correction by Kelly Armstrong
Assistant Director & Visual FX, Katrina Nelken
Wardrobe by S&G Clothing
