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A long time ago in a land far away lived a girl with dreams of making music and giving back
she left home as a teenager due to lack of support and an understanding she was on her own with this dream
people thought she was pretty so they offered to pay her to model she was a free spirit so why not.

One day she ended up in a place with a bunch of people for a shoot, the next thing she knew she was 17
it turned into a nightmare of being drugged kept and raped over and over on top of that they did it to her friends
and video taped it. Shocked confused she returned to her town and didn’t know what to do so she simple
tried to erase it with the use of substances. But then she was afraid to go anywhere afraid of being judged
afraid of it being found out full known she would be blamed, framed, accused and so she did all she could to manage.

Then she went to a shoot it was suppossed to be a artistic nude shoot she had no problem with running around naked
she never thought it was a big deal, but then the photographer turned on her, did bad things, documented it, she
was in shock and ran away as fast as she could, within a year he put it out for sale, causing her to want to forever
hide, and was destroyed. She then was told by them she could never be or do anything else so she became the
best she could at the underworld of art, fetish, and erotica, because at 18 she believed she was forever marked…

Then one days she decided that if she didn’t fight for her dream and also return to try to see justice regarding what
was taken, stolen from her she would be cowering in fear to those who were not correct. She decided the only way to
undo all that had been done was to fight for her dream, fight to create beauty in pictures, in music, in art, and also
go back armed with others to confront those who did these things to her and other women, to try to stop the violence
and the harm. She went back and did all she could, some battles were won others are still being dealt with.

From then on every photograph she made was a statement to anyone who knew or saw or heard the stories
a statement that a women can reclaim her beauty, her sexuality, and her strength even if people had stuck a bullet
through their heart. That a women could overcome everything and anything and turn it around and make something beautiful out of it.
Sometimes she is faced with others, artist, people who say she is bad, dark, evil because they only see a photo
or a video from a time long ago and far away, and they judge based on a perception of what they think they are.
When this happens she just sees a lack of understanding, compassion and a mind that judges prior to understanding.
Light does not judge, love does not condem, and real love accepts people for who they are .

She will never stop, creating beautiful art, and music, and photos because she hopes with every creation she can
inspire anyone who has ever been told they are bad, dark, not good enough evil, because of something
they did or was done to them.  Yes they may be sexy photos but its a way to reclaim what was taken, and yes
it may be naked but its to celebrate the beauty of the body that was created to be enjoyed. Yes it may stir
emotions, feelings thoughts, but all great art does.

What drives her is the desire to see those who are captive to fear, to judegment, to shame to guilt free from all those things
and to see those who were broken, find the courge and the strengh within themselves to shine, evolve and be the
best they can be, to live for their dreams, to follow their heart and not to let those who harm turn your heart cold or to anger
but rather transform that energy into beauty.

The intention is to unraval the story day by day image by image song by song…

Now She sits, she is nowhere near done but she knows deep down, the battle is being won with every show, every image, every song

and shes fighting for anyone who has been there

or will be

I received this message from a dear friend and one of the men who I admire for all they do for others in business art and so I thought I would respond by a blog considering I haven’t blogged much and I really appreciate these types of questions. So I am going to break from the never ending feat of making music working on shows and other productions to talk about something which I feel matters for all of us.

“Can you answer this question: how can a male best connect with the feminine within himself? The flow of my creativity is connected to this. Right now my
first answer is deep self appreciation. Any other ways?”

First off the insight that feminine nature and creativity is often connected is a very good insight one many never see and or stumble upon.  I feel the loss of balance between ones male and female energies within oneself as well as being able to connect to others from both perspectives as a male or female is one of the many underlying causes of so many misunderstandings, stagnation in creativity, and causes many to never really deeply connect to oneself or another making the concept of “love” and “relationships” challenging if not impossible.

As a women who has spent the majority of my adult life single or solo, living alone, traveling alone and building a world alone I had to learn how to keep my masculine and feminine energy balanced. For living in a world that is male dominated and not only male dominated but surrounded with some of the most powerful intelligent headstrong and sometimes challenging men on the planet part of me connected deeply to the elements within myself that were more like them. A strong intellect, the ability to work endlessly, the hunter within, the aspect of me which had no problem going on a battlefield emotionally, mentally or physically and going head to head with anything that I faced.

I needed this to survive and to protect myself what I was creating as well as to be able to operate amongst many who had lost touch with the more feminine side for if I couldn’t stand with them and or be seen as a equal then I would never be respect and could never actually accomplish anything creatively and or with the other work I do because if someone doesn’t respect you then you often become subservient under them or worse they treat you with indifference. Neither are very good positions to be in if your attempting to actually create or build something be it art or a new perspective.

I found myself feeling a but out of touch with my female aspect I had spent so long having to be both the male and female in so many dynamics from work to my personal life being a strong minded women and a strong minded being if I couldn’t respect a man I would often become like the man, working to protect alter hunt for and or take over the situation and dynamic. I realized in order for my feminine side to be able to really come out I had to nurture it, and also find those who were capable of being strong enough, courageous enough, and in touch enough to allow me to be both a strong entity as well as embrace the side of me that is very much a feeler, intuitive, nurturing, side. Until I could embrace my own mother, lover, feeler, healer, sensitive emotionally and intuitively driven aspect I never felt complete alone and I am very aware that until i felt complete alone and in balance with both aspects to engage with others would often be a subconscious seeking of balance.

I started digging studying what happened to women, men and our relationship with each other in the arts, in politics, religion, government.  I discovered that once upon a time the world was run very different women were “allowed” and “supported” in positions of power, be it as leaders or healers.  When the time came of the fusing of politics and religion, when the politicians learned they could control people more easily through religion they had to wipe out anything which challenged that.  Women who were capable of being so intune they could see inside peoples bodies, communicate telepathically, have physic gifts, who would use there expression of the feminine through sex and other engagements allowing a man to not only witness what the feminine was fully developed, but to also provide a pathway into there own feminine nature through sharing there own. If  a women is fully expressive in and out of bed of the feminine it allows a man to venture into another world, one of pleasure, beauty, away from the hunt. Into a cocoon of bliss where taste smell beauty touch and the exchange of energies acts as a mirror to the body mind and soul and allows a man to explore not only the feminine by visiting this space but often see it within himself.

As a women I spend a good amount of time cultivating that feminine aspect of myself, I am very aware that it is very connected to my capacity to “birth” creations as well as to be intuitively connected to the world around me and others.  I always work to make my space as beautiful as possible, for I feel being in beauty inspires the creation of beauty, and although the majority of my resources are dumped back into art I always work to make my living and creative space as inspiring and as filled with beauty as possible. I build alters, collect art, Paint, make vision boards, make things as cozy as possible, and I always try to make mine and the space I share with others as cocoon like as possible. I use all the senses in this process, sound, smell, taste, feel, and also the energetic intuitive ones often left on the list. I have often inherited spaces which lacked love and the energy of the actual space would feel as such so I often would pour it in, be it by cleaning, creating, and sending not only those I encounter as animals or people but also spaces love and nurture. By nurturing caring for physical spaces,  animals, plants, and creating beauty without I often tap into it within.

I also believe in nurture of the mind, body, soul, which I being alone most of the time have learned I most first and formats provide for myself. Nurture for my body means I care about it and everything I consume I do so with awareness, If I consume food it is to nurture and to feed my body, or to enjoy and be lost in the bliss of the experience.  If I consume a vice, wine, coffee etc I am aware of its ups and downs and yet also if it brings pleasure allow myself a bit of being naughty, for chocolate wine, coffee and so on invoke often a response of pleasure and I am a huge fan of bringing pleasure to oneself through the ritual of what you consume. If you perceive everything you eat drink or consume as a ritual, as a spiritual physical meeting of worlds, and are aware that everything you consume will have a cause and effect then you become empowered to chose your pleasure or your nurture rather then just eating to eat.

With the Mind, I believe we often become what we intake to some degree, which is why I feel personally I must protect my intake, I am often around people who are just stuck in a negative cycle and or have a negative outlook on life I cannot be of any use to help alter that if I get sucked in. So I constantly try to balance my mental intake by choosing to intake things which are mind expanding, educating, thought provoking, inspiring, beautiful, and that inspire me and bring pleasure peace and joy. If something or someone brings only negative energy, put downs, violence, anger, hate, fear, guilt, manipulation, and or is trying to through fear cause me to summit in power,  I tend to engage with it as little as possible, and when engaging work hard at trying not to get consumed or sucked into this.  Granted this means I avoid many things because they do not feel good to me mentally spiritually or emotionally. Religion that is fear and guilt based, those who try to gain power through belittling putting down, or playing games, as well as media which carries the message of that type of energy. I am very aware its out there and actively do what i can to counteract it and to actually empower people through education, and self awareness for many with hold information and education as a way to control. Women cover there eyes at the sight of a blood bath, they often didn’t want to engage in violent actives outside of some occasional rough sex and short of having to save there love ones would much rather communicate through any issues.

Women are very intuitively and cultivating that as a women or male i feel is vital, the concept of being psychic telepathy and so on are all very real, just like women’s uncanny capacity to see things in dreams or even in a waking meditative state when they are cleaning the house that gives them insights on how to help protect nurture love and heal those around them. As well as warnings of danger, I have always sensed danger, not only for myself but those i loved danger of not only physical well being but also of well being being compromised or attacked or lost in general. Then the mother in me would reach out and try to intervene  not always successfully for at this point people are so out of touch with these very normal things to me that you can be perceived as crazy and or like a worried jewish mother. Yet to not care is not embracing the feminine aspect within.

Overall I spend a great deal in silence, listening, tuning in to what I feel what i dream what I sense. I nurture myself emotionally physically mentally with things which inspire intuition creation expression and beauty.

Emotionally men have sadly and to my utter disagreement been taught they  must hide their tears, fears, doubts, and become stone strong unmovable. Yet to me emotions are such a guiding tool, and very useful for navigating reality, if something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t, so many men and women force themselves to stay in situations that tear them apart inside out and make them very unhappy people which often leads to anger and then sometimes to violent outbreaks all of which could be avoided by embracing the feeling then using it to deal with it.  If something feels wrong, I will first try to resolve it by communication , for communication is the key to so much. If I cannot alter the energy through heart to heart communication, love and some time then I do not stay, I leave. The concept of being forced to stay in a relationship, a job, a place, a city, a country, because you think or were told you have to , is senseless to me. If something or someone isn’t energetically inspiring and or part of a evolving process its better to just let go and leave. Allow both to find places others and or situations which are more energetically aligned.

Of course this is radical in todays world, women and men stay in relationships which are far from healthy or nurturing out of fear often of being alone or judged, causing a deep decent of ones happiness very quietly which often leads to lives lived in depression, on medication, or that end in some explosion one day when the spirit has had enough suppression.  Causing many of the intense outbreaks of rape, violence, harm, etc that form my perspective could all be avoided.

Yet the lack of education on these matters is vast and so many have no idea. I feel you cannot be happy unless you find your own internal balance between the masculine and feminine side in all aspects including sensuality. Which is another aspect many men have lost , sex becomes almost purely animalistic where the concept of touch, taste, smell, the depth of really feeling, everything inside out and creating a deep connection that goes far beyond the pure instant of coming but actually engages all of the being is rare these days.  I feel its up to women and men to bring it back, for I feel our sex life greatly influences our external life. If sex has been reduced to the value of a drive through fast food stop,  to me its about as healthy as a suppressed dinner at mcdonalads.  I feel a sexual exchange between two people should always be a delight to all of the senses and being and if it is any less you are just missing out on so many of the positive aspects and yet I know many times I have just wanted others to slow down, or be more present, and I had my own time in that space when I was still young but quickly learned the quality of my sexual exchanges also affected the quality of my life. When people were not giving as much as taking or worse they just take without asking in the case of rape, date rape and so on which I have encountered and had to work through,  to me thats a extreme version of a lack of balance.  A man or women who is really intouch with both the feminine and male aspect can be very assertive and expressive with sexuality which I feel is healthy, but yet at the same time never pressure someone, and never force it or try to take what someone doesn’t want to share.  Sexually the balance is vital but many men and women are afraid to connect on a deep level, out of often the fear of getting hurt, and or its too intense,  yet I have found that as long as I am aware in the end I am first and foremost and must always be my own male and female lover and counterparts then getting deep and diving in soul first isn’t so scary because i know even if I dive in and come out and never return it is all within me. If I am blessed to be able to share it and exchange energy and create a magical space outside of time and space with someone then that is a beautiful moment, one which reminds me of all that is beautiful and connected, and yet I am aware I cannot consume another , own another, control another or hold another and that by diving in and giving and sharing all of myself I am also aware they may vanish and never return. If “they” become my way to the divine then I am cursed and so I must always remain my own path to bliss. So that way I can welcome love, art, others into my life fully, and yet very aware they may go, they may return they may not, and if I really love them, and myself I allow them to be them and allow myself to be me without trying to be someone I am not just in hopes to cling to something…

I feel at the end of the day many are all searching for love and completeness, and yet that is not something outside of ourselves, we are our own balance and lovers, to lose touch with that leads to much of the suffering i see in this world..

As esoteric as it sounds becoming your own path to bliss I feel is vital to the evolution of humanity and realizing at the end of the day you can give yourself everything you need to feel loved, happy, and inspired.

The balance between those energies is important but I feel only comes through a deep realization of the big picture approach to self nurture love and appreciation

Thats my very long response;)

With Love