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I’ve haven’t written in awhile, life and dreams are blending, I have a hard time keeping track of dates, my list of things to do is longer then ever and my inner work is deeper then ever.
I had a dream its been with me for awhile, the earth I was on lifted out of the ground and started flying, I realized I was not in control in many ways, I could only control what I did as it went flying fast over the world. I could see countries, people, war, love, starvation, greed, all the things that are swirled around, beauty, love making, death, nature, our destruction of nature, of each other and then beauty, the stars the sea, it all was there and flashing before me. I watched and continued to work on this little flying piece of the earth creating, and then sometimes the things I had or made would go flying off and I watched as they fell into the earth below. Then we went over the most beautiful city one I have never seen out of another world, shining full of light and I looked amazed at the beauty of a place I’ve only seen in a dream and then we continued on. There were others with me, but yet I was alone, some would come and try to take things from me, some would come and try to be with me, some would come and just watch with me, but no one was really close to me, i was an island within a island. Then it landed and I found myself in the woods, like the place I lived as a child my home, the only home I suppose I know is that, nature, the silence, the still the dark of night, I feel most at home in nature, I feel so connected, and there I was in the dark forest and I was back where I started, I wondered away into the woods alone and then I looked in the sky and three beings appeared, they were beautiful and light and they pushed the clouds away and I watched them and felt connected at peace and as if I had returned, home and then the dream ended…

I was looking for a picture for something to do with work and I found old pictures of me as a child, and I felt me, it was strange I remember then, I was such a idealist, I loved everyone, I loved people nature just loved life. I was so hopeful, I dreamed of a life full of love and beauty. I was such a hopeless romantic, I always only wanted to be with one person for a really long time, share a beautiful life with lots of love and beauty, inspiration and creation. I used to play pretend and live in that world writing the stories amongst the trees. Innocence, hope, love, I saw that innocence and then it cracked through something. I remember when I first started to realize that some people didn’t know how to love, and that many people somehow lost their innocence and ability to love. Making them seem to me like creatures from another planet one I didn’t know how to communicate with, I got confused, and hurt, things happened which challenged my heart, and then I found myself making a vow between me and whatever it is that listens to all the things I say in silence.. no matter what happens I never want to lose this, the ability to see beauty the ability to love the ability to be open the ability to be like a child… before our hearts get all cut up

I’ve fought for that with every I love you, with every song, with every creation, with everytime I would be the first to say I love you, with my hands my body my words my actions my life. I have been fighting not to lose that little girl, not to let her die, not to lose her eyes and heart no matter what happened. It’s not easy and sometimes its hard sometimes its like walking through fires burning away at my skin through my bones and into my heart, sometimes its like throwing myself off a building knowing that I may hit the ground and smash into a million bits, but I can put the pieces back together. But to lose her to lose me to lose the capacity to hope to believe to still dream of love creation beauty truth of a happy ending of a beautiful story would turn my heart to stone. I would then join the ranks of the walking dead, the disconnected, those who end up often becoming those who can hurt others and not even know it because they have disconnected themselves so much it is as if nothing is real anymore. They end up being able to rape, kill, destroy, and not feel the pain, or even enjoy it, for when the innocence is lost then there is no end to what it will take to feel something or feel complete.

Sometimes I feel like I struck a challenge with some unseen force about losing my soul, and I play a game of chess that involves test on a regular basis, recently these challenges have become more complex as I find myself in a world in which I am digging deeper to create. A world in which those I create with push me further and deeper, and I become more and more open in many ways to allow these creations to come out and yet within that process part of me becomes very sensitive and feels everything so much. Recently I decided to do 30 days, no smoking, no drinking, no coffee, no drugs, raw organic food. It was good timing for due to some intense changes in my life I had stopped being so clean, I was still cleaner and ate better then most but I had found myself working drinking lots of coffee and just pushing and part of it was because sometimes when faced with pain I like to push my way through it or create my way through it rather then sink into a dark shadow. But then I started getting almost sick, and I went to see my lady and she looked at my blood and what we saw wasn’t so good, so I knew I had to change so the timing couldn’t be better.

This is Hollywood everywhere I go there is drugs and drinking beautiful people and a party, I used to hide in my cocoon and create and never went out, I love people but in NYC I laid low for the most part, here though I go to events I do lots of meetings shoots traveling always something and i love people and I love to play and so finding balance has been something I am working on. I am not against playing and having fun I just was not eating much, drinking way to much coffee and then burning at both ends and so for the last 5 days I have been trying to listen and not push my body past its limit by using coffee to keep myself awake . Strangely I find myself feeling a little more emo, I’ve just been embracing these emotions, I am around all of these beautiful people who I am blessed to have in my life, who I am able to be myself with, me that kid with big eyes and lots of dreams and yet there are times I find myself putting up my walls and or retreating. I wish I didn’t ever have to do that, I wish we could all just be like children able to see the beauty in each other and love each other regardless of class color regardless of fame beauty money power regardless of what we did yesterday or ten years ago. Just accept each other and see the beauty the possibility and not be afraid to really love each other and live it do it say it… be it…

For In that world and with those who are able to do that, when I am with others who despite our faults, our beautiful mistakes we can smile love and laugh our way through anything, with those and in that world I still am her, that little girl with those big eyes unafraid to love to dream to create. It makes me sad anytime I have to hide her under a wall , or walk away because I know if I stay it will enable harm for sadly there are some who like to eat, steal, take , break, use or drain that innocence love and energy and sadly I have learned I just have to fight through awareness and protect myself from those who will harm me, aware or not of it. I never like leaving, I never want to shut down or off, I never want to be guarded or build walls, I don’t want the world to be like that and yet I know if I don’t death can come quickly for it as if I am a prize, like an animal in the woods, sometimes the hunters come, they care not who you are or what you are, they just want your head as a trophy. If I sense that energy I have to be like a deer and vanish or find a rock to put between me and them or shape shift into one of them so they don’t kill me just for kicks. As a female maybe it’s not the same for a tall large male but for me with all 109 pounds of me I have spent a large part of my life litterly feeling hunted, while walking to my car if I dress like a girl I will have cars stop, people run up, cars chase me, its strange I understand the game, and most of it is harmless but not always and since I’ve actually encounter those who when I said no thank you, didn’t listen enough to have to take things a little more seriously. Sometimes I wish I was a 6’7 man, because then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I have to blend into the shadows and keep my eyes open all the time. I wish I lived in a world where we could just be drawn to each other, and all of us just were able to tune into that, rather then try to make something do what you want despite what they want. I really love people, but for me love isn’t what it seems to have become to so many in this country… I just love it just is I like to love people animals plants It just flows through, if I try to keep it in I explode or it makes me feel sad, because I don’t feel I am supposed to keep it in, i feel its meant to flow through and around..

The longer I am alive the more important somethings become and the less important everything else becomes. To love like a child is high on my list, to leave behind as much as I can, to love despite fear or pain, To love even when I am afraid to love, To challenge myself to continue on even if the dream seems impossible, To never give up hope, to love deeply and whole heartedly not cutting any of myself off out of fear of getting hurt. Embracing the pain when I do get hurt and learning from it but not allowing it to cause me to not be open to others or love. I also realize that in the end which could be at any moment for me or any of us all that matters is what I left , the love I left, what I did, not what I have , not what I owned, not who I knew, but I will only leave behind traces of love, through creation and action. Nothing else really matters and I hope to leave behind as much as I can to inspire others to continue to dream, love, create, believe, and have hope….

I’ve tasted death I know at any moment I could be gone, this could be over, Everything changed after that happened after I died at least my perspective, for I realized this day may be my last I may not have another and since then it has been some of the driving force behind my “I love yous” and my creations, for I know when I die if I keep creating I can at least leave something behind to maybe inspire others, and with love I can give that, and leave that behind, for without love, without hope, without dreams our world, our hearts will fade to black and death shall come inside out. So now at this point in my life creating, loving, sharing, giving, expanding, seeing , being open, real, honest is far more important then anything else… I find myself if I walk this path feeling free like a child and that is priceless….

Friday, January 29th 2009

I’ve learned over the years not to hold things in. Yet I am always working and it seems often always with people and so finding the balance can sometimes be challenging, but I developed a bit of a survivor mentality, yet sometimes my survivor mentality can cross into the white picket fence zone which is a place that for me I try not to live in. Once upon a time it was the way I was told to be or live. On the outside everything was fine, on the outside I held it together, on the outside what was behind the white picket fence was sane, balanced, safe and healthy. I was told not to say anything about what happened behind that white picket fence, and so the abuse and harm that happened I internalized . I didn’t know what else to do with it, and since I was told I wasn’t allowed to speak of these things or else it would only lead to more pain, or that was what I was taught I didn’t and then my survivor side would kick in.

That survivor side chose staying alive, and as a women or child the reality was and has been that when push comes to shove and violence and or force were used as a weapon I knew that the attempt to fight back may leave me six feet under and so from an early age I would just accept it, for I didn’t see or understand how I could stop or fight it. Then I would go and try to release the pain that resulted after it happened, for I couldn’t understand why people would do things and yet I could see often they weren’t there, it was this dark thing which seemed so empty and I was just something they tried to take something from me. I grew up in this cycle unable to know how to break it, then I ended up running away from home, and the white picket fences stayed up, sometimes I was brave enough to speak of the things which had happened and when I was I found out that I wasn’t worthless, but I had been taught that such things were shameful and of course if they happened it was because somehow it was my fault. This of course did a number on my head and left me doing all I could to stay in the light .

I knew deep inside the white picket fence wasn’t real and the truth was the only thing that could set me free, and yet it seemed so challenging for when you know that by speaking of and or returning to attempt to stand up for myself I had to face those who had through force violence lies and manipulation taken used exploited and or harmed me was terrifying . Yet I knew the only way out was through and the only way through was to tear down the white picket fence and accept and embrace not only what I had been through but also find the strength not to hide the truth.

I often felt like I was dealing with monsters from some other planet, I never understood how or why people would do such things, rape, lies, manipulation, trickery, and other forms of abuse, then at a point I realized it was because of some kind of emptiness or some need for power or control. Then I developed the capacity to have compassion on them, for anyone who is so empty, they need to take from someone or harm someone must not be a happy person. I knew that despite all the things that happened my spirit was never touched for my body may be connected and my heart may hurt and sometimes it was very difficult to understand why and learn how to find the light in it all I knew that I was still me and I knew that I was connected to a source which provided me with limitless love, and energy. Every wound could be healed through this and so no matter what happened or how much it hurt I knew that it would heal and I would continue on.

As I really embraced that, I was able to slowly tear out the white picket fence. Yet I realize that I have the hardest time with that fence when its those closest to me, for I see the beauty in people and sometimes can be blinded by that and live in hope that one day the beauty I see within their soul will overcome the part that ends up harming them and others be it often in a state of unawareness. Its hardest for me there for I always want to give people chances and more chances and allow time and space for things to work out to be resolved for growth and healing for we all do things sometimes which aren’t so loving.

I learned how to leave to runaway when I was 17, shortly after I found myself in situations in which I became paralyzed a deer in headlights, I found myself in situations I thought were safe only to find myself in a split second unable to process and or respond to what was happening. I never got a lesson on what to do when someone you think you can trust all of the sudden goes after the kill, and even if I had been told I could fight back when you’re a tiny thing compared at the time I didn’t want to die and I could tell that the people who I was dealing with would have no problem going one step further I just submitted. For I didn’t know what else to do, and many things happened over a year or so in which I ended up in that kind of situation. In various forms with various faces, and because I was on my own and working non stop I didn’t really allow myself to process it all, and I didn’t know how to talk about it then, for I was scared of being judged and or looked down upon.

But then people started coming into my life and as I opened up I found they had experienced things like it, and I remember the first time I was able to really share it with someone who understood and it only brought us closer. I slowly started opening up and as I did I found people who really actually cared about making sure I got through it, healed through it, learned from it and was able to end the cycle . Yet to this day there are times and situations I find it challenging to talk about for it requires me tearing down another section of the white picket fence and yet as I do I find more and more strength. Yet sometimes still I find myself behind the fence, and when I do I reflect on why and how come I’ve returned . Granted in America its common, the american dream tainted with extremely high rates of rape, abuse, lies and deception, all painted behind these cute little houses and shiny new cars. It’s challenging to live in a world where sexuality has been dubbed as evil and so rather then having a healthy sex life we end up with a high rate of rape, and sexual abuse in our country, something people don’t seem to like to talk about. Suppression doesn’t help anyone involved, and most of the time its women, children, or others who are easier prey who are the ones who first off get hurt and then are told it’s their fault and the system really offers very little support or help and its pretty traumatic the last thing you want to do is have to prove it, and I know for me even seeing them again seemed like something I never wanted.

At this point I’ve embraced all of my experiences and they have all taught me something and since it apparently hasn’t killed me it has only made me stronger and I hope that through what I am able to create with music and art that through each creation of beauty be it a picture or a song I am able to return and face all that came before and to transform something that was maybe seems dark and or people don’t understand into something beautiful . Yet in order to do this I cannot live behind a white picket fence, I have to face accept embrace and work with whatever comes my way. I’ve also learned I don’t have to summit and at this point not only would I fight back or at least stand up for myself but for everyone else in that place. Sometimes its hard to do more so when its someone close to you, but the only way to end the cycle of abuse is to be actively involved in it and finding a way to end it, be it leaving and or leaving and then standing up for yourself and or returning in order to deal with it.

Once upon a time someone did something really not nice, and then decided it would be a good idea to try to exploit it, I was pretty traumatized by it all and it was so big and scary at the time that I just ran and tried to hide from it. Then I told someone who then gathered a small army, so to speak and they said they would go and fight for me, to do what they could to stop it and return as much of what was taken to me. I remember the love I felt the kindness was such a strong contrast to what had been done that it did something to me and broke something down in a good way. The little army went out and won, and I remember it was a small piece and I could never erase what happened, but the mere fact that the little army fought for me gave me hope and also was something I then wanted to do myself. For sometimes people just need someone to fight with them and for them and we can do that for each other it’s a much better use of energy then tearing each other apart.

I’ve learned I can’t go back and change my past, but I can work on writing a happy ending, I may not be able to forget the things I’ve experienced but I may be able to help others get through them or avoid them because i’ve been there. I know there are beautiful loving people in this world, who are safe, kind, and really good people, and I know it is not hopeless, and there is always the sun there to cut through the darkest clouds. There is always hope and love, nothing is hopeless we can transform anything into something beautiful. For everything is our teacher, white picket fences have to be torn down though, I realize now that by having them I only keep myself in a prison for if I am open about what is going on no matter how difficult or painful that through that I find my way through it, when I have not been open and hid behind the picket fences out of fear for one reason or another i just ended up stuck in a cycle that sometimes has required some divine chess moves and or intervention to break.

Sometimes it has to happen that way, sometimes someone or something has to come into our lives to help us break free or see something. Sometimes even the most beautiful spirits get captured, broken and chained to a castle with a ten foot wall. I have been blessed to have people in my life who show me a different way, and who show me love and show me it’s ok not only to not stay in a destructive or harmful situation but also how to not to be afraid to stand up for myself with love. To fight with love and compassion, and yet not enable harm or abuse, and its something I am still learning, my teachers have been challenging but now I can see how even the most painful of situations has allowed me to shed light in someway at some point in a place where without the experience and what I learned through it I would be unable to and so I am thankful for all of it and thankful for where it has brought me now . I appreciate love and kindness now in a way which I never would without the contrast and it also inspires me To be a better person and to continue tearing down the white picket fences.

My friend came with me, her plans in the start were for her to see her family, but things altered and so she has become my travel buddy. Shooting has taken over I had planned on having time to see my friends and catch up with some of my music people, hit the sauna and get some meditation and sleep in, but since being here its been non stop shooting, working on music, planning for shoots, and attempting to see who I can and get in some shopping. For this is the only place I like to shop, mainly because I know it and can actually find things here, in LA I just get lost and am clueless as to the best places to find things I actually want to wear.
The city never sleeps and it calls me to wander to walk to see the buildings and I keep feeling called to the old bridges I loved to walk night after night plugged into the source that inspired so much. I want to return there but I keep finding myself in studios late into the night creating pictures or music trying to finish all of it, part of me wants to just return to a world in which I came from one where I used to have so much alone time, to spend walking in nature or in this case New York at night became my forest . The buildings became my trees at three am as most slept and I would dress so I blended into the night and kept my eyes out of view so I could blend in. Before new york I would walk for hours a day in the woods, in LA walking seems hard to do, so I drive, its not the same I long for those walks. I fit one in on this trip, I walked late at night from 2:30-4 in the morning, around the city it burned in me, flooded me with memories ideas dreams visions as I saw how things have changed how some have stayed the same the world keeps moving and shifting around and I am still here, plugging into something else beyond all the hype and the flashing lights, beyond the ads and the screaming voices to buy me.
Meanwhile I am thankful for my work, I am working and lots, and many are not and I am thankful, and I am creating things which make me smile, and the music is at last coming together. I long to write I have all these songs stuck inside now wanting out, and while I am shooting they play inside my head and I long to write, but I have to move my studio, my floor has filled up and the noise has gotten to the point of making me move. Once I return to LA I have to figure out where, For I need a cocoon, to write in, one where no matter how small I can shut out the world the phone calls the emails the work and just go into that space, the forest, the dead nights, the silence and write, for now I can see how a song can reach its completion, I have people in my world now I am excited to work with who I love working with and trust and so now all those songs, that for years that were trapped inside can now come out be brought to life and then be set free..
I just have to sleep enough and stay alive in order to provide myself as a channel for that, its strange what mattered to me before doesn’t matter anymore and what matters to me now has been reduced to a very simple thing, and there are moment part of me looks back and felt comfortable there with some sense of home, some sense of belonging, and now I am flowing with the wind the world has become a forest the silence has been replaced with many people many things many projects, energy coming at me from all directions some beautiful and some I just have to cut and let go of. The world has become my home, my friends have become my family, my creative work has taken over and I have learned how to just let go. Even though part of me is scared and part of me struggles with this in moments, the world tells me I need all these things in order to have safety and or to fit in and many of those things I don’t have, and yet it is a choice for I have chosen the do or die jump and put every last ounce of everything I am and have into something that belongs in the land of the unseen.
I have no idea what the end of the story is, I only know that as much as I have been pouring out it has been pouring back in, creating a beautiful flow in which I never hit empty even though in moments if I bowed to the system and or the system of thought that has sunk many souls in our culture I would never ever take this chance.

But yet if I search within I know to stop to turn around to bow down to summit to something I don’t believe in would be the spiritual death of me, and so I continue on. Scared or not, sure or not, one moment at a time .

Chances are I should not be writing I need sleep have a headache and actually need to go transform for the shoot…

I am thankful for all that I have been given and will continue along this path scared or not;)

So I wonder if this will work.. one two three

testing…

and you’re stuck with me on this one;)