Journal

Tales From A Gypsy – The Unknown & New Pictures

I am a bit overwhelmed
I am allowed to admit this I am human, I try to act like super women all the time but sometimes I look at my dreams and then look at reality and trying to see how it will all make sense sometimes leaves me feeling as if I am trying to carry a sky rise with my pinky finger.

This is usually when I remind myself to have faith in the unknown, I don’t know how I am going to finish funding the record the videos website etc, people ask budget all the time and its difficult when I say look I am funding this and I gave up my usually lifestyle aka having a apartment of my own to use the money to fund it. I have now officially gone all the way over the cliff for my dream after years of trying, working with others, being in a band, until being in the band was no longer an option because to stay would mean loss of myself and so I left . Yet leaving my audience leaving the stage getting emails about when and where would I play is like hearing from a child or lover you had to leave to go to war for awhile.

Now I am at war, not fighting is not an option, but sometimes war isn’t easy, yet giving up would be the death of me, so I stay, I only have so much time energy and resources and I am taking a razor blade to anything now that isn’t about music and just cutting away, leaving me sometimes feeling like I took two steps back. Yet I feel like its the right thing to do in my heart, despite the reality that already my song King Of Solitude has been downloaded off the torrent sides 50,000 +++ times and part of me is like cool, and the other part knows that 50,000 x .75 or .99 cents would fund the rest of my record and then I could maybe breathe a bit more and yet this has become all artist challenge I am not the only one out there who is willing to bite the bullet and give up comfort to fund a record. Yet I create something like air which people can just find and take and I want people to have it and enjoy it and use it, I want people to have it, i just would rather people email me and ask me for it, even if they can’t afford it or they don’t have a credit card, I would gladly send it to you and find a way we could barter something or honestly if people would just come to me and ask I would feel so much better about it I just want to know who you are, I want to be connected build a community, I don’t want to be some disconnected figure. I am a real person with a real life with real problems to solve, and I see my people as all those connected to me, I want to hear to connect to communicate, …

My best friend or one of them looked at me in my sea of suitcases which often are used to style my pictures and said , you know the girl in the pictures its not you, well it is but its not… It is me, it is the creation I create which is me part of me but then there is another me the me that just had to let go of everything, years of work, a home, a project, and other things and losing one thing can be a challenge but as usual it is extreme for me so I lost all in one big swoop, leaving me now in the process of rebuilding with only me and my community and friends which without I think I may have just ended up somewhere in some other country wondering in nature trying to make sense of life but even if sometimes I want to run away to the woods and hide in the trees high above the ground I am here working around the clock, just to finish what I started….

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I have to go work, I am just expressing something , I have so many ideas, videos, music, songs, but finding the time energy and resources to finish them all and eat somehow and pull it all together can sometimes be challenging, but I will continue to embrace this challenge even though the reality is..

I don’t know where my next gig is going to come from
I don’t know where I am going to live next half the time
I don’t know how I am going to fund it all and pull it all together if people just download everything for free because even finish a record to tour means fronting it all
I don’t know how I am going to reach the people when its just me and the internet at the moment
I don’t know if those i love will be there tomorrow
I don’t know whats coming next

Jillian Ann

I have accepted this state of the unknown for years and it lead me here so I will continue to trust it even though sometimes trusting in the unknown believing in the unseen
is hard for me and yet I know it is all there really is so I continue to have faith and whatever fears I have just walk through them rather then letting them stop me….

But right now I can only see one step ahead and so I am going to take that
and then hope i can see the next….

cancer of a closed soul

I think every girls and boys dream somewhere somehow is to fall in love and live happily ever after, to be loved and accepted by there family to be seen heard kissed loved.
I remember the first time I first peeled away more layers then ever before and was more open, and then just as I removed yet one more layer, the one I was sharing it with vanished.
Jumped ship, and I was left there in the middle of the ocean, the storm came and with it came the battle within regarding why, was it me? was I not good enough? am I not worthy?
and then of course the five million other things that come up after being left.

Once upon a time I made vows, when things really hurt I would work really hard not to do them to others, because maybe then at least it would all be useful. But that doesn’t always work. Now looking back being left was a great thing in many ways the growth that came was amazing I worked through it and then as usual when I felt I was ready to try again jumped in head first. Granted I realized although i have lots of experience in some areas not so much in others and so I learn by working through all this .

But then sometimes after jumping back in, these things would come up inside, great feelings, fears, concerns, my ability to trust, wondering if people really liked me or if they just liked me because I did thing for them, bought things, they liked the sex, or if they ever really saw me. Of course I am not a complete child anymore and I can for the most part tell if someone sees me, the me under all the stuff and makeup and pictures the me that will still be here when I am not. For years love was kinda like walking in fires, I got burned, scared, wounded, but I kept going back, learning evolving and not just with lovers but friends, family, music, art the industry relationships. I have fallen flat on my face, I have had the rug ripped out, my heart broken, but I always just get back up brush off stick a band aid on it and continue.

This is challenging at times, sometimes my deepest most hidden fears come pouring forward, often during times unexpected, but i have learned to see them as just that, fear, often based on programming, created from past experiences related to the current one, or because of what people “told me” . For a long time I used to think people didn’t really actually for real love me, this kept me apart from them. But once I opened up and let people in, even if I ended up burned a bit, I always grew and learned and each time I did it I became less afraid. Then something kick in, overtime I did anything often despite some fear, I would grow change evolve. Granted I always looked, thought tore it inside out, and usually if I got burned it was a lesson I had yet to learn or had forgotten I had learned. But in order to do this I had to work hard inside with the mind the thought process, and if a thought showed up saying “they don’t really care” I learned to look at “actions ” and ” reality” and then unless something was very very very clear with the actions and reality based on it say “no they do” and if I felt the actions did not, if I was connected I would communicate regarding how an action was causing a reaction.

But it doesn’t mean i am not at times scared, and pushing myself into the fire because I know to stay out of it is another death a slow one, a painful one, cancer of a closed soul and so I engage and risk all, yet feel all, and I get burned sometimes but more often then not it becomes something beautiful. For when two people or more can communicate deeply and openly it is one of the most beautiful things in this world. I feel great art, friends, love, relationships come through this and yet this is often so hard for many to do including me now and then. Although I force myself over the wall often, and my art, writing, blogging, creations are often part of that. For i feel it has to be in ever aspect of my life.

I have found the more open I become the more I feel alive and sure sometimes it hurts like hell, and i want to crawl under the bed and hide with a big kitty , I know with the same intensity I will feel love, bliss, hope, peace and so i take it all and feel it all. I live in a city with people who take medication to erase these things which I view as my teachers, where love is often reduced to souless exchanges power or control and yet I still believe in all of us is still that beautiful wide eyed open hearted child that sometimes just gets buried alive inside. The world can do it too you if you let it, I have learned pain fades, broken hearts mend, wounds heal, and the fear and pain will pass, and as it passes away there is room for something beautiful to rise from the decay . For me the trip has been to hold on, do all I can not to lose myself in all this and take it all as teachers,

Its past my bedtime I should go to sleep now

Jillian Ann

Tales From A Gypsy – Sunsets, Goodbye, and Sand Dunes

Once I landed in San Francisco I called my mother over the years I have realized she knows me and sometime I need to talk to those who know me, know my strengths and weaknesses who see me .  The city is so beautiful, bittersweet but beautiful, I gathered a few things I had left and tied up any lose strings, then ended up at my favorite place there.  I miss the city in ways, but I know i can always go back she will always be part of my home, has part of my soul, pieces of my life, memories sewn into her fabric. She taught me so much, in the hardest way but it was a lesson I had to learn for each lesson is taught right before I really need it or need to be aware of something I didn’t know or didn’t know how to deal with before.  She was the story of a childhood dream I still carry, that carried me to her but then I realized that if I stayed the dream would never be, and I may become nothing more but a memory carried away in the fog.

Leaving again driving down the coast to shoot, of course the timing couldn’t have been better, when I got the offer of why don’t we shoot in SF then drive down the coast and shoot at some of the most beautiful places on this side of the country I smiled for it was one of those someones watching over me moments of the matrix morphing.  I made art with people who I really like hanging out with and modeling when given not only creative input but am trusted not just as a model but a stylist, art director, location scouter, when my vision is given some play space everyday is like going to paint on a blank canvas.  Years ago I learned if I gave allot of myself, and creativity the pictures always came out so much better, and then I thought of what a model meant to me and for me it was about being a inspiration, a creative muse, if people were going to pay me to come and make pictures I wanted to make the best pictures possible and so over the years I have gotten more and more involved if given the ability. I also thought as a model I wanted to learn and teach for each person I worked with was a door to learn something for each of us have different lives I also realized I could often share something. So besides the creative exchange I have always see my time with other creatives as a beautiful thing where when open and engaged present and heart on my sleeve I often came out feeling as if heaven had somehow carved another beautiful moment into time and space through the time spent.

Sometimes its hard to do , big sets lots of chaos, but even then I love people and learning and sharing and expanding through each meeting conversation creation. I usually end up working with people over and over for years meaning they often become family to me, friends, and this is something which I really value.  Passing the ocean I got lost in the depth the beauty, like a soul we don’t even know how deep she runs. I have always found such comfort in the water, by the ocean the sound of the waves the sight of nothing but vast blue waters comforts me and reminds me how much bigger this all is . It amazes me to try to imagine all that happens within her all the life, the depth, the mystery and magic of the ocean. One day we stopped and I looked out I was here before I said, then dragged the photographer rock climbing, when in nature it is as she leads me, I just follow chasing the light looking for the perfect place where the light hits her and she turns into magic, aligning the sun with her and I is always my goal, sometimes it involves me becoming a tom boy, and in full makeup and my boots rock climbing . I found the perfect spot the photographer kept telling me I was going to kill him, no you will be fine just stay close to the ground . But then it was there and then in moments a creation had been made I was pleased with. Thankful to all involved including the creator who created the beautiful setting.

Being there reminded me of things, some which caused little feelings to push out of my heart, I just watch them, just listen just release it all. Going back to all these places and creating something beautiful there was a way for me to close one chapter and start another one. In this one I know sometimes  I have to leave, or shut a door for its not good for me and sometimes thats hard because I always want everything to work out, and to always live happily ever after.  I love people, I wish it was that easy, we could just all love each other, no games, no lies , not trying to control or judge or just use each other. But I found sometimes thats not easy. I will usually fight to the death for what I love be it art, or friends or loved ones, but sometimes the death comes despite my fighting for it to live then I reflect learn and move forward for to stay in mourning for long never made sense to me. If I did that I would never do anything, so I just move through it.

Today we ended up shooting at the sand dunes , we walked into some at first and I looked around wait these aren’t right and then I again dragged the photographer or rather i just went and if he was going to have anything to shoot he had to follow;) deep into the dunes, something so peaceful there like being in the desert nothing but thousands of years of huge stones crushed and pushed up by the sea warmed by the sun wrapped all around me for as far as I could see, we created and created and then I found myself laying in the sun on the sand like a animal who found a new home, I buried my hands and feet into the sand and just laid there in the warmth in the beauty in this feeling of deep peace a feeling of belonging, as if the sand and its thousands of tiny pieces was wrapping around me, feeding me, grounding me, it was love in its own way and I was in this utter moment of bliss, he looked at me, you can stay you know…
I knew I had to go, but I was really enjoying the moment so it lasted longer, we took lots of portraits there because I was so into laying in the sand, covering myself with it, not even caring it was getting all over my clothing and hair.

Its hard living in the city sometimes, I miss nature, the silence the feelings the connection, I feel so grounded there, in the city I love it, but sometimes i long to just hike, to breathe to lay in and just morph into the sand and sea the sky and trees and become one with all that flows through all of this that often gets lost in the noise. I have to wake up soon to shoot some more in the city so I am going to call it a night for now;) More soon

Jillian Ann

Once upon a time I used to dream of living out of suitcases as a little girl packing and unpacking, then I left home the first time, I felt maybe if I started over in a new place it would be better. Atlanta wasn’t the easiest city on me, I was 17 and walking around wounded and I caught the attention of my share of people who just saw me as a object, a possession, or something to just take with or without my permission. Somewhere in there I hit the bottom, that was a place which taught me allot, its so far now, but it was the bottom, death and I got to know each other, but something out there bent the rules of the matrix and so I am still here and it was then I knew, I wasn’t alone in this world for sure no doubt ever since.

In Atlanta I had my first taste of fame, and saw the other side of it, which from then on out taught me so much about what was important and what actually wasn’t. After getting my heart broken I left the city and moved to New York. I called it home although I would still move anytime I got my heart broken, I realized today its been my pattern, my heart gets broken I move, let go of all that was and start over. New home, new furniture, new city or at least neighborhood. I stayed in NY for a long time but it was because I thought I would be with someone forever and stayed there a long time working on my art and the heart. Then I realized that forever was but a dream I carried alone, and New York changed for artist I headed west. I came to LA first, found myself exploring something which then became clear had to dissolve I move yet again to San Francisco. Granted in all this I was never “home” for more then a week or so at a time and I also went and lived in Miami, Milan, Chicago and a few other places here and there and traveled non stop. While in San Francisco I was on tour more then half the time and if not on tour was often modeling somewhere or LA .

She looked at me what would you do, give up your house your car move across the world for love and art, we smiled, that’s exactly what I have done, granted love art my family and friends are the most important things to me. I have a habit of building homes and then just leaving them behind furniture, clothing, books, kitchens, this last time though my sand mandala was bigger for it encompassed everything, all my dreams, all those childhood hopes were all wrapped into one glass ball. Until the ball became a thousand pieces of sand. Over the years my gypsy life has evolved because I realized I could live and work anywhere, I could create and make a living anywhere and so the world became a playground. Touring was wonderful and I loved the non stop place to place influx of inspiration people and ideas.

Right now I am focusing on finishing a few records, and in that process I am trying not to leave LA as much although it seems even when trying I am gone half the time because of work in other places. I am focusing on taking everything I do creatively to another level, which is a challenge for me because it not only involves all of me, but also involves me taking all I have and investing it into something. But i have been doing this in one way or another since I left home and despite the challenges and the heart breaks I am happier and more inspired now then ever even though I am yet again creating on a blank page . Yet a blank page a new start means I can evolve and create something that never was before, be it music, art, pictures, writings, websites, film. If anything part of me is frustrated doing anything other then creation and spending time with loved ones. I feel so far removed sometimes from the day to day things like car registration or other things I have to care for. Once I dive in head first into the creative mode it is as if the world transforms into a hybrid of a dream and vision in color.

I am super excited about the future, I am in the middle or re thinking my website, the music and art, and I have more ideas then I can seem to process, but I am inspired by all those I am able to create with, by technology for I feel its getting to a place where I may be able to do what I always wanted with my website, music and art. For I have been my own boss my whole life and so not being that is something that makes me feel caged, I love creating with people for people but I like to be able to create freely. I have lots to do, but am so inspired to do it, that it carries me . Yet the dream expands beyond art into creating a life, a home, a family, and also being able to share with my family, loved ones community. I have been learning so much lately on where things are and going regarding music the internet and technology and its both allot for me to wrap my head around and inspiring. Computers now are insane with what they can do regarding creation and now I see and understand I have all the tools to create things before I only saw in my head. Now its just carving out the time and space to create it all and time has become my most precious resource , for everyday I know it could be the last and so I want to do a few more things before I leave.

This gypsy thing now feels like home, my roots are invisible connecting above and to the earth below then to those i know and love, the tree grows tall and healthy under the sun and by the sea.

Around there is always chaos, the world has its pain and suffering, loss and things which are just hard to see or deal with, but yet despite all this the tree stands firm for it is not dependent on things which come and go so easily. This dream survives because I have let go of it being defined, rather it is the path, the trip, the work, the creation, the love shared the heart to heart connections, the smiles and tears that carry it on. That is something which is only lost if I lose hope, or give up and that’s not possible and so the tree continues to grow, maybe slowly but it continues to expand with each creation, each song, each moment.

I am excited, and that’s a place I love to be, inspired, hopeful, despite the challenges and shadows
I am thankful for all those around me who are part of this

Loss makes way for growth , yet loss can be challenging. I have dreams or visions or a fusion of both, I take them and I keep them in the center of
my heart. Then when the storm comes and its hard to see, when I can’t see the way through, or up the hill or it seems bigger and or impossible
I just turn to the dream and have faith the unseen will become the seen. This isn’t always so easy and lately its been a challenge for the loss sometimes
seems bigger and in that place after the fire has burned away all that was and you can see the new life starting to rise out of the ashes to have faith
that one days the forest will return to its glory can be like falling in love after you’ve had your heart broken more times then not…

Yet the other-side of this would be to sink into the ashes, and be lost in the blackness, not seeing the new life growing up stronger then before.
I try to see all things even the difficult things as something that is expanding me inside out, my heart now actually feels like it is pushing through the ashes
and growing in directions I didn’t know it could grow in, and as it happens what is important to me continues to evolve, and now the time has come
to lay down all I used to hold and allow it to fade , in order to make room for growth.

I have to focus on giving myself completely over to the process and the journey, so that it can take me where I need to be. Yet to surrender is sometimes
difficult for it means stepping into the unknown which is beautiful because all is possible . Although if I died tomorrow I would count my blessings for
I have been given so much, by so many, in so many ways and the love and support I have had from my friends “family” and others causes my heart
to overflow. In this world that is all there is, and all that comes from love shines bright amongst the neon lights and palm trees.

For without love, no amount of money, power, fame, glory, or achievements could feed my soul, the food I need to eat comes from something above
and beyond the merry go round , and yet with love even the most difficult challenging painful things become easier. This magic to me is
what makes life beautiful, and yet it is something which is everywhere always and always connected to me, love is always there in a million ways
with a thousand faces, in the air dancing across the night sky in the starlight carried across the palm trees, beamed down from the sunlight.

It is a force that if I close my eyes in stillness or open them and look into the sky or someones eyes and I see it everywhere like air , always breathing it
even if unaware of the life force often forgotten if distracted from what really is, below and above all this…

With this I wrap the dreams and follow them wherever they will lead, despite how impossible sometimes it seems…..

If I died tomorrow I would die in peace… for I have come to a place where in this crazy world full of shadows and light I have found such joy and love despite all the challenges life brings…

I am so thankful for the people in my life, for the doors I get to walk through for the art I get to create, and although the dream has not fully unfolded i am so thankful to see it unfold to this point already. I’ve always believed in something, I saw somewhere in a dream as a child this dream became my guide and it helped me walk through whatever dark times or challenges may come. Although this dream is still but a child and has much room to grow just being here despite the fact I was told it was impossible and I would never even get here is evidence in something beyond space and time.

Although here I have a blank slate, and don’t know where I will sleep next month or week, in this state of free falling in a world that usually feels so solid and yet it is here that after years of holding on to things which only held me back by letting go and being open to whatever may come through the greatest loss I had yet to face I have found myself feeling more connected to a path I knew in a dream then before.

Yet this path would not be possible if it wasn’t for the beautiful people who show up through some matrix of divine connections translated into this world exactly when and where they need to be. As we are able to grow, heal, love, touch, discover expand, help and work with each other this dream becomes etched through little creations words, pictures, songs which are then left behind, to out live any of us. This is love in action, this is to me I suppose at this point what I care about the most, some alternative reality in which my car matters less then my interactions, less then my friends, family, loved ones. Granted in this I am like a rock always being chipped away at, but as each chip falls the beautiful creation evolves but just as a amazing sculpture could not be seen in just a piece of rock, I must let go off and loss things to which I may have or still cling to in order for something beautiful to evolve.

It is through these interactions, heartbreaks, loss, set backs, starting over, wars, through the love, healing, forgiveness, acceptance, through the suffering and the bliss that the sculpture is crafted and now after years of this process I look back and although its far from completion I see something a dream emerging out of the stone. So I accept the blows for as the chips fall I know that under it all is something beautiful that will evolve until the day it is done and then some of it will remain and the other will return to ashes and dust .

In these times I am so thankful for those around me, who are my friends, my family, my loved ones, my community, and for all I have been blessed to see and live through for as I step back I can see in the stone something of beauty being carved. Through surrender to what may come I have found what comes always teaches me something which only prepares me for the next blow which as it is carved in although painful turns into something of beauty….

I’ve haven’t written in awhile, life and dreams are blending, I have a hard time keeping track of dates, my list of things to do is longer then ever and my inner work is deeper then ever.
I had a dream its been with me for awhile, the earth I was on lifted out of the ground and started flying, I realized I was not in control in many ways, I could only control what I did as it went flying fast over the world. I could see countries, people, war, love, starvation, greed, all the things that are swirled around, beauty, love making, death, nature, our destruction of nature, of each other and then beauty, the stars the sea, it all was there and flashing before me. I watched and continued to work on this little flying piece of the earth creating, and then sometimes the things I had or made would go flying off and I watched as they fell into the earth below. Then we went over the most beautiful city one I have never seen out of another world, shining full of light and I looked amazed at the beauty of a place I’ve only seen in a dream and then we continued on. There were others with me, but yet I was alone, some would come and try to take things from me, some would come and try to be with me, some would come and just watch with me, but no one was really close to me, i was an island within a island. Then it landed and I found myself in the woods, like the place I lived as a child my home, the only home I suppose I know is that, nature, the silence, the still the dark of night, I feel most at home in nature, I feel so connected, and there I was in the dark forest and I was back where I started, I wondered away into the woods alone and then I looked in the sky and three beings appeared, they were beautiful and light and they pushed the clouds away and I watched them and felt connected at peace and as if I had returned, home and then the dream ended…

I was looking for a picture for something to do with work and I found old pictures of me as a child, and I felt me, it was strange I remember then, I was such a idealist, I loved everyone, I loved people nature just loved life. I was so hopeful, I dreamed of a life full of love and beauty. I was such a hopeless romantic, I always only wanted to be with one person for a really long time, share a beautiful life with lots of love and beauty, inspiration and creation. I used to play pretend and live in that world writing the stories amongst the trees. Innocence, hope, love, I saw that innocence and then it cracked through something. I remember when I first started to realize that some people didn’t know how to love, and that many people somehow lost their innocence and ability to love. Making them seem to me like creatures from another planet one I didn’t know how to communicate with, I got confused, and hurt, things happened which challenged my heart, and then I found myself making a vow between me and whatever it is that listens to all the things I say in silence.. no matter what happens I never want to lose this, the ability to see beauty the ability to love the ability to be open the ability to be like a child… before our hearts get all cut up

I’ve fought for that with every I love you, with every song, with every creation, with everytime I would be the first to say I love you, with my hands my body my words my actions my life. I have been fighting not to lose that little girl, not to let her die, not to lose her eyes and heart no matter what happened. It’s not easy and sometimes its hard sometimes its like walking through fires burning away at my skin through my bones and into my heart, sometimes its like throwing myself off a building knowing that I may hit the ground and smash into a million bits, but I can put the pieces back together. But to lose her to lose me to lose the capacity to hope to believe to still dream of love creation beauty truth of a happy ending of a beautiful story would turn my heart to stone. I would then join the ranks of the walking dead, the disconnected, those who end up often becoming those who can hurt others and not even know it because they have disconnected themselves so much it is as if nothing is real anymore. They end up being able to rape, kill, destroy, and not feel the pain, or even enjoy it, for when the innocence is lost then there is no end to what it will take to feel something or feel complete.

Sometimes I feel like I struck a challenge with some unseen force about losing my soul, and I play a game of chess that involves test on a regular basis, recently these challenges have become more complex as I find myself in a world in which I am digging deeper to create. A world in which those I create with push me further and deeper, and I become more and more open in many ways to allow these creations to come out and yet within that process part of me becomes very sensitive and feels everything so much. Recently I decided to do 30 days, no smoking, no drinking, no coffee, no drugs, raw organic food. It was good timing for due to some intense changes in my life I had stopped being so clean, I was still cleaner and ate better then most but I had found myself working drinking lots of coffee and just pushing and part of it was because sometimes when faced with pain I like to push my way through it or create my way through it rather then sink into a dark shadow. But then I started getting almost sick, and I went to see my lady and she looked at my blood and what we saw wasn’t so good, so I knew I had to change so the timing couldn’t be better.

This is Hollywood everywhere I go there is drugs and drinking beautiful people and a party, I used to hide in my cocoon and create and never went out, I love people but in NYC I laid low for the most part, here though I go to events I do lots of meetings shoots traveling always something and i love people and I love to play and so finding balance has been something I am working on. I am not against playing and having fun I just was not eating much, drinking way to much coffee and then burning at both ends and so for the last 5 days I have been trying to listen and not push my body past its limit by using coffee to keep myself awake . Strangely I find myself feeling a little more emo, I’ve just been embracing these emotions, I am around all of these beautiful people who I am blessed to have in my life, who I am able to be myself with, me that kid with big eyes and lots of dreams and yet there are times I find myself putting up my walls and or retreating. I wish I didn’t ever have to do that, I wish we could all just be like children able to see the beauty in each other and love each other regardless of class color regardless of fame beauty money power regardless of what we did yesterday or ten years ago. Just accept each other and see the beauty the possibility and not be afraid to really love each other and live it do it say it… be it…

For In that world and with those who are able to do that, when I am with others who despite our faults, our beautiful mistakes we can smile love and laugh our way through anything, with those and in that world I still am her, that little girl with those big eyes unafraid to love to dream to create. It makes me sad anytime I have to hide her under a wall , or walk away because I know if I stay it will enable harm for sadly there are some who like to eat, steal, take , break, use or drain that innocence love and energy and sadly I have learned I just have to fight through awareness and protect myself from those who will harm me, aware or not of it. I never like leaving, I never want to shut down or off, I never want to be guarded or build walls, I don’t want the world to be like that and yet I know if I don’t death can come quickly for it as if I am a prize, like an animal in the woods, sometimes the hunters come, they care not who you are or what you are, they just want your head as a trophy. If I sense that energy I have to be like a deer and vanish or find a rock to put between me and them or shape shift into one of them so they don’t kill me just for kicks. As a female maybe it’s not the same for a tall large male but for me with all 109 pounds of me I have spent a large part of my life litterly feeling hunted, while walking to my car if I dress like a girl I will have cars stop, people run up, cars chase me, its strange I understand the game, and most of it is harmless but not always and since I’ve actually encounter those who when I said no thank you, didn’t listen enough to have to take things a little more seriously. Sometimes I wish I was a 6’7 man, because then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I have to blend into the shadows and keep my eyes open all the time. I wish I lived in a world where we could just be drawn to each other, and all of us just were able to tune into that, rather then try to make something do what you want despite what they want. I really love people, but for me love isn’t what it seems to have become to so many in this country… I just love it just is I like to love people animals plants It just flows through, if I try to keep it in I explode or it makes me feel sad, because I don’t feel I am supposed to keep it in, i feel its meant to flow through and around..

The longer I am alive the more important somethings become and the less important everything else becomes. To love like a child is high on my list, to leave behind as much as I can, to love despite fear or pain, To love even when I am afraid to love, To challenge myself to continue on even if the dream seems impossible, To never give up hope, to love deeply and whole heartedly not cutting any of myself off out of fear of getting hurt. Embracing the pain when I do get hurt and learning from it but not allowing it to cause me to not be open to others or love. I also realize that in the end which could be at any moment for me or any of us all that matters is what I left , the love I left, what I did, not what I have , not what I owned, not who I knew, but I will only leave behind traces of love, through creation and action. Nothing else really matters and I hope to leave behind as much as I can to inspire others to continue to dream, love, create, believe, and have hope….

I’ve tasted death I know at any moment I could be gone, this could be over, Everything changed after that happened after I died at least my perspective, for I realized this day may be my last I may not have another and since then it has been some of the driving force behind my “I love yous” and my creations, for I know when I die if I keep creating I can at least leave something behind to maybe inspire others, and with love I can give that, and leave that behind, for without love, without hope, without dreams our world, our hearts will fade to black and death shall come inside out. So now at this point in my life creating, loving, sharing, giving, expanding, seeing , being open, real, honest is far more important then anything else… I find myself if I walk this path feeling free like a child and that is priceless….

Friday, January 29th 2009

I’ve learned over the years not to hold things in. Yet I am always working and it seems often always with people and so finding the balance can sometimes be challenging, but I developed a bit of a survivor mentality, yet sometimes my survivor mentality can cross into the white picket fence zone which is a place that for me I try not to live in. Once upon a time it was the way I was told to be or live. On the outside everything was fine, on the outside I held it together, on the outside what was behind the white picket fence was sane, balanced, safe and healthy. I was told not to say anything about what happened behind that white picket fence, and so the abuse and harm that happened I internalized . I didn’t know what else to do with it, and since I was told I wasn’t allowed to speak of these things or else it would only lead to more pain, or that was what I was taught I didn’t and then my survivor side would kick in.

That survivor side chose staying alive, and as a women or child the reality was and has been that when push comes to shove and violence and or force were used as a weapon I knew that the attempt to fight back may leave me six feet under and so from an early age I would just accept it, for I didn’t see or understand how I could stop or fight it. Then I would go and try to release the pain that resulted after it happened, for I couldn’t understand why people would do things and yet I could see often they weren’t there, it was this dark thing which seemed so empty and I was just something they tried to take something from me. I grew up in this cycle unable to know how to break it, then I ended up running away from home, and the white picket fences stayed up, sometimes I was brave enough to speak of the things which had happened and when I was I found out that I wasn’t worthless, but I had been taught that such things were shameful and of course if they happened it was because somehow it was my fault. This of course did a number on my head and left me doing all I could to stay in the light .

I knew deep inside the white picket fence wasn’t real and the truth was the only thing that could set me free, and yet it seemed so challenging for when you know that by speaking of and or returning to attempt to stand up for myself I had to face those who had through force violence lies and manipulation taken used exploited and or harmed me was terrifying . Yet I knew the only way out was through and the only way through was to tear down the white picket fence and accept and embrace not only what I had been through but also find the strength not to hide the truth.

I often felt like I was dealing with monsters from some other planet, I never understood how or why people would do such things, rape, lies, manipulation, trickery, and other forms of abuse, then at a point I realized it was because of some kind of emptiness or some need for power or control. Then I developed the capacity to have compassion on them, for anyone who is so empty, they need to take from someone or harm someone must not be a happy person. I knew that despite all the things that happened my spirit was never touched for my body may be connected and my heart may hurt and sometimes it was very difficult to understand why and learn how to find the light in it all I knew that I was still me and I knew that I was connected to a source which provided me with limitless love, and energy. Every wound could be healed through this and so no matter what happened or how much it hurt I knew that it would heal and I would continue on.

As I really embraced that, I was able to slowly tear out the white picket fence. Yet I realize that I have the hardest time with that fence when its those closest to me, for I see the beauty in people and sometimes can be blinded by that and live in hope that one day the beauty I see within their soul will overcome the part that ends up harming them and others be it often in a state of unawareness. Its hardest for me there for I always want to give people chances and more chances and allow time and space for things to work out to be resolved for growth and healing for we all do things sometimes which aren’t so loving.

I learned how to leave to runaway when I was 17, shortly after I found myself in situations in which I became paralyzed a deer in headlights, I found myself in situations I thought were safe only to find myself in a split second unable to process and or respond to what was happening. I never got a lesson on what to do when someone you think you can trust all of the sudden goes after the kill, and even if I had been told I could fight back when you’re a tiny thing compared at the time I didn’t want to die and I could tell that the people who I was dealing with would have no problem going one step further I just submitted. For I didn’t know what else to do, and many things happened over a year or so in which I ended up in that kind of situation. In various forms with various faces, and because I was on my own and working non stop I didn’t really allow myself to process it all, and I didn’t know how to talk about it then, for I was scared of being judged and or looked down upon.

But then people started coming into my life and as I opened up I found they had experienced things like it, and I remember the first time I was able to really share it with someone who understood and it only brought us closer. I slowly started opening up and as I did I found people who really actually cared about making sure I got through it, healed through it, learned from it and was able to end the cycle . Yet to this day there are times and situations I find it challenging to talk about for it requires me tearing down another section of the white picket fence and yet as I do I find more and more strength. Yet sometimes still I find myself behind the fence, and when I do I reflect on why and how come I’ve returned . Granted in America its common, the american dream tainted with extremely high rates of rape, abuse, lies and deception, all painted behind these cute little houses and shiny new cars. It’s challenging to live in a world where sexuality has been dubbed as evil and so rather then having a healthy sex life we end up with a high rate of rape, and sexual abuse in our country, something people don’t seem to like to talk about. Suppression doesn’t help anyone involved, and most of the time its women, children, or others who are easier prey who are the ones who first off get hurt and then are told it’s their fault and the system really offers very little support or help and its pretty traumatic the last thing you want to do is have to prove it, and I know for me even seeing them again seemed like something I never wanted.

At this point I’ve embraced all of my experiences and they have all taught me something and since it apparently hasn’t killed me it has only made me stronger and I hope that through what I am able to create with music and art that through each creation of beauty be it a picture or a song I am able to return and face all that came before and to transform something that was maybe seems dark and or people don’t understand into something beautiful . Yet in order to do this I cannot live behind a white picket fence, I have to face accept embrace and work with whatever comes my way. I’ve also learned I don’t have to summit and at this point not only would I fight back or at least stand up for myself but for everyone else in that place. Sometimes its hard to do more so when its someone close to you, but the only way to end the cycle of abuse is to be actively involved in it and finding a way to end it, be it leaving and or leaving and then standing up for yourself and or returning in order to deal with it.

Once upon a time someone did something really not nice, and then decided it would be a good idea to try to exploit it, I was pretty traumatized by it all and it was so big and scary at the time that I just ran and tried to hide from it. Then I told someone who then gathered a small army, so to speak and they said they would go and fight for me, to do what they could to stop it and return as much of what was taken to me. I remember the love I felt the kindness was such a strong contrast to what had been done that it did something to me and broke something down in a good way. The little army went out and won, and I remember it was a small piece and I could never erase what happened, but the mere fact that the little army fought for me gave me hope and also was something I then wanted to do myself. For sometimes people just need someone to fight with them and for them and we can do that for each other it’s a much better use of energy then tearing each other apart.

I’ve learned I can’t go back and change my past, but I can work on writing a happy ending, I may not be able to forget the things I’ve experienced but I may be able to help others get through them or avoid them because i’ve been there. I know there are beautiful loving people in this world, who are safe, kind, and really good people, and I know it is not hopeless, and there is always the sun there to cut through the darkest clouds. There is always hope and love, nothing is hopeless we can transform anything into something beautiful. For everything is our teacher, white picket fences have to be torn down though, I realize now that by having them I only keep myself in a prison for if I am open about what is going on no matter how difficult or painful that through that I find my way through it, when I have not been open and hid behind the picket fences out of fear for one reason or another i just ended up stuck in a cycle that sometimes has required some divine chess moves and or intervention to break.

Sometimes it has to happen that way, sometimes someone or something has to come into our lives to help us break free or see something. Sometimes even the most beautiful spirits get captured, broken and chained to a castle with a ten foot wall. I have been blessed to have people in my life who show me a different way, and who show me love and show me it’s ok not only to not stay in a destructive or harmful situation but also how to not to be afraid to stand up for myself with love. To fight with love and compassion, and yet not enable harm or abuse, and its something I am still learning, my teachers have been challenging but now I can see how even the most painful of situations has allowed me to shed light in someway at some point in a place where without the experience and what I learned through it I would be unable to and so I am thankful for all of it and thankful for where it has brought me now . I appreciate love and kindness now in a way which I never would without the contrast and it also inspires me To be a better person and to continue tearing down the white picket fences.

My friend came with me, her plans in the start were for her to see her family, but things altered and so she has become my travel buddy. Shooting has taken over I had planned on having time to see my friends and catch up with some of my music people, hit the sauna and get some meditation and sleep in, but since being here its been non stop shooting, working on music, planning for shoots, and attempting to see who I can and get in some shopping. For this is the only place I like to shop, mainly because I know it and can actually find things here, in LA I just get lost and am clueless as to the best places to find things I actually want to wear.
The city never sleeps and it calls me to wander to walk to see the buildings and I keep feeling called to the old bridges I loved to walk night after night plugged into the source that inspired so much. I want to return there but I keep finding myself in studios late into the night creating pictures or music trying to finish all of it, part of me wants to just return to a world in which I came from one where I used to have so much alone time, to spend walking in nature or in this case New York at night became my forest . The buildings became my trees at three am as most slept and I would dress so I blended into the night and kept my eyes out of view so I could blend in. Before new york I would walk for hours a day in the woods, in LA walking seems hard to do, so I drive, its not the same I long for those walks. I fit one in on this trip, I walked late at night from 2:30-4 in the morning, around the city it burned in me, flooded me with memories ideas dreams visions as I saw how things have changed how some have stayed the same the world keeps moving and shifting around and I am still here, plugging into something else beyond all the hype and the flashing lights, beyond the ads and the screaming voices to buy me.
Meanwhile I am thankful for my work, I am working and lots, and many are not and I am thankful, and I am creating things which make me smile, and the music is at last coming together. I long to write I have all these songs stuck inside now wanting out, and while I am shooting they play inside my head and I long to write, but I have to move my studio, my floor has filled up and the noise has gotten to the point of making me move. Once I return to LA I have to figure out where, For I need a cocoon, to write in, one where no matter how small I can shut out the world the phone calls the emails the work and just go into that space, the forest, the dead nights, the silence and write, for now I can see how a song can reach its completion, I have people in my world now I am excited to work with who I love working with and trust and so now all those songs, that for years that were trapped inside can now come out be brought to life and then be set free..
I just have to sleep enough and stay alive in order to provide myself as a channel for that, its strange what mattered to me before doesn’t matter anymore and what matters to me now has been reduced to a very simple thing, and there are moment part of me looks back and felt comfortable there with some sense of home, some sense of belonging, and now I am flowing with the wind the world has become a forest the silence has been replaced with many people many things many projects, energy coming at me from all directions some beautiful and some I just have to cut and let go of. The world has become my home, my friends have become my family, my creative work has taken over and I have learned how to just let go. Even though part of me is scared and part of me struggles with this in moments, the world tells me I need all these things in order to have safety and or to fit in and many of those things I don’t have, and yet it is a choice for I have chosen the do or die jump and put every last ounce of everything I am and have into something that belongs in the land of the unseen.
I have no idea what the end of the story is, I only know that as much as I have been pouring out it has been pouring back in, creating a beautiful flow in which I never hit empty even though in moments if I bowed to the system and or the system of thought that has sunk many souls in our culture I would never ever take this chance.

But yet if I search within I know to stop to turn around to bow down to summit to something I don’t believe in would be the spiritual death of me, and so I continue on. Scared or not, sure or not, one moment at a time .

Chances are I should not be writing I need sleep have a headache and actually need to go transform for the shoot…

I am thankful for all that I have been given and will continue along this path scared or not;)