Journal

My obsession with the perfect mix 0

THe perfect mix takes the perfect songs takes hours days weeks of hunting at festivals on soundcloud in blogs at my friends sets on beatport for those songs that to me are perfect and then to find lots of them in different genres, sometimes I think it would be easier to make them, but the perfect songs are the ones that never clear the dance floor that the 40 yearold lady and the 20 yearold burner are into, the perfect songs to me are the ones people who dont even know what glitch hop or dubstep is love, and those songs are like needles in a haystack.

As a artist, songwriter and producer Dj’ing has become a great way to really learn what works and doesnt I figured out with singing what works and doesnt, and some of the songs I write are not dance songs, but rather then limit myself to a box I choose electronica as a box its a big box, with lots of options, i understand why so many DJs produce and what so many people who kill it as a DJ were musicians or producers first. But if you make electronic music you pretty much have to be a DJ now, or else you’ll be living at your moms house or girlfriends like so many do or have, because it seems people who love electronic music are also super geeks and figured out how to get it all for free. My first record moved enough for me to think I could just stay at home and hide behind my computers and make music, but then the industry changed and I realized I had to come out.

I was painfully shy, I used to not be then had been torn to pieces by people and situations which in retrospect did it to control me, but in my head I just was afraid of the lions dean the sharks and the wolf pits so I would be really open and share my life art and music through a screen cause I could be hidden in a castle away from the sharks on the otherside and if someone was mean I would just delete it . Real lifes not like that, but I realized I had to play out on a stage or else I was never going to evolve.

I was terrified  I mean getting on a stage where lots of people are looking at you is intense, more so when all you knew was people trying to tear you off the stage from your past, so my first incarnation was in a band full of very intense men, who to me were like a army and I felt safe in there, until that world had its own internal complications and I knew I had to evolve again, then I partnered up with another person who I viewed as strong and safe, and I wasnt alone on the stage, and it lasted and I grew and then I knew I had to go to another level… but this one was alone, I realized if i was ever going to reach my goals or mainfest my dream I had to let go of my fear of getting eaten alive and put myself out there…

When I was 18 I used to DJ all my records and gear was stolen along with all my cds and it was so painful to lose it all for I had modeled and worked around the clock to afford it I was a runaway I had to figure it all out I couldn’t afford to replace it and there was no way to replace the records so many were rare,I just let it all go, and focused on singing producing and songwriting then I realized I could fuse it all together my love for DJ’ing, my songwriting, my productions, my love for electronic music and hybrid all of it together for a live show.

My obsession was now not only with writing great songs, working on great productions, being a present performer but also with infusing all the DJ skills into the mix and fusing the ability to read a crowd with the ability to mix on the spot ( my sets are never pre programmed I practice mixing live allot so I can do it in real time so I can make love to a crowd  and respond as they respond ) but then my obsession became finding or making stuff that I wanted to play which people seemed to want to hear, which had soul and feeling even if it was “dance music”

Blending all of it together is something I obsess over, just like obsessing on growing and evolving, I spend most of my time, practicing, rehearsing, writing, recording, performing, promoting music, booking gigs, hunting for music, learning new tecnology or making money to fund things I want to do, in that obsession I have learned allot what it really takes, the time it takes the focus it takes and how a hit is a hit, be it s hook or on the dance floor and a hit is music people feel in there souls and that has enough presence in it to last and go home with them, I find when I am hunting music for my DJ music what inspires me to keep it and maybe play it and what makes me skip to the next song, and I find that if I want to skip my own song I need to go back to the drawing board….

I was first trained as a classical pianist and that is pretty intense its about perfection, its about you training till you can play it perfectly, then I was a dancer same theory, hours weeks of training before doing shows, then I was a singer in NYC working with the labels and producers who all were about mastering your craft for 3 years I worked with a vocal coach for hours a day, I’ve written hundreds of songs I bury, and only recently have I stopped burying them all, because half the time I am never completely satisfied with my work I ALWAYS see how I can be better i ALWAYS SEE how I can write a better song, do a better mix sing better perform better produce mix better and I have had to have others tell me to get the fuck over it cause I can always see a way to make things better… and if I didn’t have amazing people I respected telling me it was good I would bury all my art mixes and work to be found only after i died….

But for me to not train obsessively to not work around the clock in a attempt to master the instrument ( my body mind and spirit ) so I can deliver it is a insult to the gift, and to the source.

But the fear I learned from the sharks and wolves is what I have to get over and finding that balance is sometimes difficult.  For I never want to go into the fighting ring until I have trained to fight have the muscles and know I have a chance of not getting destroyed… but what I didn’t realize for years was I could only train in the ring, and the ring is the stage is the releases is when I walk in naked with nothing but me and my friends have co created….

The first time I stepped into the ring, my heart raced I was all alone and it was then I realized it was already in me, it always had been I just had to get in the ring and take the risk of getting beat down, and if I did get beat down get up and go right back to the ring. Meanwhile spending all the hours besides eating, sleep, making love, to training learning and mastering the disciplines it takes to not only write good songs, and sing good songs and perform them fully present, but to making amazing music, …. training my mind body and spirit so when I am there I can really connect and dive in…

Once on stage there is no turning back there is no exit if I lose the crowd I lose the fight, it means I didn’t connect with them, it means I am not communicating with them, and understanding that goes way beyond making beats, its much deeper then playing the top 10 songs on beatport, when I make or look for music for me its about finding stuff that connects somehow be it about our human adventures or our spiritual ones, and I don’t care whats popular, I care about what people feel and what i feel be it in my own music or in a dubstep mix…anyone who choses to make music for a living and survives these days has to have a deep love and passion for it, but I also know how hard it is to finish a record when your working a full time job or trying to figure out how to eat, and so this work is one I do out of love, for the music for the gift and for those moments when someone comes up to me and i see it moved them they danced they cried they felt…..

because under it all

I spent my whole childhood reflecting on trying to find a way to keep people from getting eaten by the nothingness and I thought about being a missionary, or a healer, then I realized art be it visual or musicial can act like a electrical surge to the heart to the spirit and we as artist are like conduits between the source and humanity and if we use our gifts we can cut through things almost impossible to cut through without art acting as the conduit …. and so I decided to be a artist,

And  I lived through and saw some very intense things and understand why so many choose to disconnect from source, when we get really hurt its hard sometimes to know how to talk how to heal or how to share that

but music can offer a way to express things be it through dance or just by connecting to anothers soul and source through it that can help release that and alchemize it

and so when people dance i hope I am giving them a release for whatever then need it for and so

its always been a challenge between the “industry” “ego” and trying to be a good conduit…

 

and now back to my obsession

 

Posted on: 04-8-2012
Posted in: Journal

the girl with the machete 1

the girl with the machete

There is a little girl who used to be in my dreams all the time, she had a machete and she would come after me to try to kill me, for years I tried to stop her till one day i did when I realized in the dream she just needed love and so rather then fearing her I reached out to hug her and she put down the machete…

Sitting in my beautiful loft with my beautiful boyfriend in a beautiful city eating the best food on this planet drinking water from a 3k machine all of the sudden all I wanted to do was to cut myself, or shoot heroin , or break a glass, my reality wouldn’t be cause of such emotions, but the day before in the middle of rehearsing and setting up the space for a event I received a letter from my mother with words that never cease to cut and all of the sudden it was a flood gate of feelings I hadn’t felt very much since childhood.

Flashes of things that I won’t write came to mind, I didn’t know how to talk about it so I took a bottle of wine to the roof and curled up in the cold under the stars and just let as much as I could out. The next day people where here things were happening and i just wanted to run, run far and fast. i tried to escape and didn’t get passed the hall, where another breakdown happened, I don’t like to “bother” people with emotions that aren’t ” perfect” its a program I am trying to forget but always being pretty and perfect was a art form I had learned…

The day continued until something inside of me needed out, of the busy, out of the work, out of the trying to complete lots of projects and I got sent to the sauna, a place where i meditate more then anywhere. Meanwhile guest were arriving for my birthday and I wasn’t there I was in the sauna meeting head on with the girl and the machete….

I layer back as my body sweated as I felt the peace of silence and the cocoon of the walls wrapping around me.  I went inside to met her and to negotiate I realized she was coming after me to kill me, and all the pain and rage and anger she felt was getting turned on me…

In the meeting I realize she had learned to attack me ( i learned to internalize ) everything I felt, because I feared becoming like those who were abusive so much I never wanted to be angry, because often in the abuse it was out of anger and uncontrolled anger . But the girl with the machete was a fighter and a very good one, and she had a weapon for a reason but because I had refused to allow myself to feel or be angry at others even if they did very harmful things to me, she was taught when something hurt to just hurt it more to override the pain …

But in this meeting I realized she needed to understand it was ok to be angry at those who beat, raped, who were emotionally, abusive, it was ok to be a fighter and it was even ok for her to have a machete, that machete could be used to protect us in the future, but it needs to be used properly and attacking ourselves because we think its our fault we were raped, abused or harmed isn’t using the weapon properly….

then I gave her a mission…

I have a idea… lets go back to the underworld and we’ll take the machete and lets go find all the pieces of our hearts, all the joy , all the dreams, they tried to take, and get them all back, and while were at it, lets look for anymore strings stuck to our hearts and spirits taking energy from us and lets cut them, you can use your machete for that, lets go and fight for our dreams and spirit, we don’t have to cave or be slaves to anyone or anything else…

And we can use all this to protect ourselves and if there is ever a next time someone tries to harm us we can fight back, its ok to use that machete if we have to , ideally we never have to fight like that we can just escape and avoid the conflict but if it happens you now have permission to take the machete and use it as a weapon not on us but to fight to protect us if we ever need it…

I made it home for my party, it was beautiful, I cried when a room full of people sang me happy birthday… The next day I realized how lucky I was to still be here and to have a little fighter inside who’s very skilled with a machete now I just need to train her to use it for justice and protection and not be afraid of it rather embrace it and use it for creating and protecting hearts and dreams

Posted on: 03-31-2012
Posted in: Journal

Dream inside out – picture + words = digital diary 1

March 25 2012

I used to blog all the time, then I felt I couldn’t share so much, too many people were reading. Now I feel like no one reads them anymore, they just look at my tweets and statues updates so I feel like I can blog again.  For some reason I am always able to say more of how I actually feel in words, be it in a song or in a blog. Part of me feels safer here behind this screen. People still scare me sometimes, I trust some but still find them the most complex animal I never seem to fully understand. I like to communicate through art, through music, for I feel it bypasses all the misunderstandings and speaks to the soul . It is why I make art to communicate …..

I make list I made list of making music that charted, with top remixers, top producers, I made a list asking the universe for a lover who could understand me, for a manager who saw past just the profit, for a loft with big windows, for a hybrid suv, for hit songs, for a perfect body, for lots of gigs, for amazing food, amazing friends, amazing adventures….

its like a prayer, and it all happened…..

Now I am sitting in this beautiful world, in a beautiful home, with an amazing manager, an amazing producer, an amazing lover, amazing friends, my songs are all charting, and i have more then I can get out of my head, shows have all been going really well, photo shoots have been booking left and right, I have been getting auditions for top projects, I eat the best food you can buy I drink the best wine and have good coffee…

I have two kittys who love me, my life seems perfect even to me, its everything I worked for and continue to work for, and with every charting song, every approval every yes… part of me battles harder with each  accomplishment…

how do I grow, how do I write better songs, how do i sing better how do i get my body to be even more perfect, how can i find the perfect tracks for the perfect moment….

and then comes those days….. everything looks perfect… ? On the outside I never show this… I only blog it and burry it in pictures because if you care enough to read then you deserve to know…

everything seemed so perfect and then, something happened,  in the midst of all my  dreams coming true, I realized how fragile it all is, how none of it is anything more then a box of cards, how my perfect life could crumble at any second and everyone I love could vanish and I would be forgotten in a moment as a model and as a artist, and then it all felt unsteady, and then comes in the howling….

I feel like my past was like being with the mafia and in someways it was… “you’ll never get out of here alive” ” no one will ever want you ” ” you can’t do anything other then this ” ” no one really loves you ” ” your music sucks” ” you can’t sing ” ” you may as well sell yourself cause thats all your worth” and ” no one can ever really love you “

the howling… like the scars up and down my arms, reminds me of another world one far away, one I did make it out alive, one that still lingers in my memories , a world where abuse rape lies deception negativity were all very real, a world where being kidnapped and raped for days on end was real, a world where love and trust were lost in the confusion of master mind manipulators… a world where I was nothing more then vampire meat for a moment, at least to them, a world I vowed I would escape and I would become like them, i would become as strong as them, and I would fight like them, I would become the hunter, but I would not hunt for sport, or just for the kill….

A world which taught me what strength and compassion really means, and also what it means to fight for what you believe in, but sometimes I see it, I feel it, I know its all around me, that world is the flip the yin of the yang the shadow of the light and to deny its existence is to play the fool who ends up a slave without ever realizing it…

Sometimes it comes head on, and meets me… in my dreams in my waking

I dream I was trapped in the old world, trying to get back to my real world, trapped in a world where I had no ability to say no, a world where if someone wanted they just took , a world where I wasn’t able to defend myself a world where I didn’t know the escape… in the dream I kept trying to get on a plane to leave that world and come back to mine, but the hallways in the airport became a labyrinth a maze back to those who told me, I was only good for sex, only good for this, cause no one else wanted me or would love me

in the shadows lurks the ghost of my mother in her silence as her punishment for my anti religious choices a world where I wanted out but couldn’t find the door, then on my phone was my first rapist, texting me, sharing things I never wanted to envision again in my life… and in that world I wanted out……

I woke up… real world, perfect world… but I couldn’t shake the feeling,  like someone who escaped a war still waking up afraid a bombs about to land and blow it all up…

Everything is ok, i am safe, everything is ok I am safe…

its all in my mind……. Its my creation

I don’t want to go backward I dont want to return

I walk outside i see them, I feel them, “invisible”   they see me they feel me ” no not a inch”   this is my body, this is my life, this is my dream, I am not here to be interrupted I am not here to be your dinner I am not here for you, this is my space, this is my dream and you can stay in yours….

I find my dragon, go guard the doors and windows, my dragon is always with me, I can feel it, I used to be afraid of the dragon until I realized it protected me and my dream….

But then there was this one day,  I was alone, I forgot I wasn’t alone, I forgot how to call, how to ask for help, how to reach out, I locked myself in my own castle which became a prison, all of the sudden I felt it all
everything I’ve spent a life time healing, working with, working through, I felt the blows, cascade internally, externally I looked around for something for someone, I felt like I was sinking, I felt like everything was falling apart, I felt everything that had happened as if it was happening… flashbacks can be fun this one wasn’t
I tried calling a few people no one picked up, I looked at my Facebook, tempted to statues update the truth, I feel like jumping, or cutting or something, something drastic, to channel all this , I know its a feeling, I know it will pass, I know its just coming up to come out, but then I got lost in it, and once in it didn’t know how to get out not without returning to the old exit….

which was to override the feeling with another feeling, and although its not “bad” its also a pattern I have been working on breaking….

outside everything was still perfect, but inside I got lost, somewhere in the past, and i know stay present stay in the moment, but what do you do when the moment triggers the past? how do you deal with a past you ran from for most of your life? and so I worked through it with some help and then was back here…..

I am trying to learn what it means to feel safe, as a child i never felt safe due to a world which exploded all the time, then I found safety in isolation, but it was also isolation, and even though part of me still runs to hide in it, i am trying to come out from behind the screen, behind my bones, behind my fear, behind my doubt, I want to trust people, I want to trust situations, but for so long I didn’t know what it meant to feel safe, and I get confused, I want to feel safe, but part of me only knows a world where it didn’t exist for so long unless I was isolated in my own self protection prision…

But living in a cage even one I built to keep myself safe is no way to live, its not the dream, but isolating and pulling away and building a castle around my heart was the only way I could keep it….

and I wear black to keep away the darkness , and I dont look in your eyes unless I feel safe, and I hide in the shadows to avoid being seen because I don’t like pulling bullets out and there are many who shoot them aimlessly and unaware of the harm they cause…

there are places in this world I feel safe, I feel I can come out and play and others where it is as if someone stole everybody’s soul and there hungry for light and if they see it they will just try to take it…. without care for the soul its attached too….

I am not dark.. I know the dark , I have seen the dark, I have felt what happens when people lose their empathy, their compassion , and they become hungry ghost, and if I encounter a hungry ghost I try to disappear from its view……

in order to never become one that needs to feed on anything other then the sun

sometimes I forget I get lost in the program in the system that says i need more… for a moment , while walking down this path…. sometimes I lose sight of the un under the clouds…

but then i remember

this is my dream
and I can spin it from the sun and the moon
the water and the earth
the trees and the animals

I am part of the all
and all is within me
and all i will ever need
is all here

and everything else is the trap to steal energy

clarity

sometimes its hard to see part my own perception
and sometimes its hard to reach out
in a world where it seems
there is hardly any time left
for our souls

in all the work
and all the to do
in all the projects
and all the buzz

sometimes though i have to stop everything or else nothing makes sense

how can i dream if i can’t see
how can i create if i can’t dream
how can i love if i am not here

and so sometimes

i just stop it all

long enough to see

the dream
and create

the next one

i write this story

from a dream
within a dream’

Posted on: 03-27-2012
Posted in: Journal

The Visitor 1

He sat down across from me

This is serious .. I said as I looked at his face
hidden in the night under the blackened sky
“yes it is” I know or else you wouldn’t have come
to visit me …

On the table in front of me he laid out
my entire life, the tools I had gathered
the things I had learned, the gifts I had
been given I saw the pieces as they
were laid out one by one…

Do you see the board ?
Yes ,
Do you understand the game?
I believe so …
Then how do you play ? to win or lose ?
neither, you just play
Correct for if you limit the game if you perceive
something as winning or losing you therefore
limit the game and yourself….

Example…
Remember when you were drugged, kidnapped,raped
yes.. was that winning or losing
neither, for what i learned helped me more then the momentary pain
when you were at the height of your musical career and the project
dissolved was that winning or losing
neither for without that I would never had opened the doors which
created these future opportunities
When you fell in love and thought they were the one and then they were gone
neither for without the lose I would have never loved this person who taught me
this ..

He drew a line across the board…
Now what are you going to do….

I looked at the board with all of the pieces
all of the gifts with a map of the world
a map of dreams a map of possibilities

We are going to raise the stakes now
everything in on the board
your entire life, all your dreams, everyone you love and loved
Your pride, your fear, your insecurities, your shadows, your past,
the things that hurt you the most and the things that you fear the most
they are all on the board..

I looked at him… so if you came then you came to show me
something I don’t already know

The silence drew in as the sun started to rise

Your next move means risking everything you are and have been
for in order for you to move forward you must take all the things
you fear, everything that hurt you, every memory, every trauma,
every secret, every doubt, every thing people use against you,
everything you believed, every insecurity every self doubt, all the
things that hold you back and place them on the board
anything your still keeping inside you most now take out
and use it, use all of it, and fear none of it, or else it will prevent you
from playing with your whole being…

If you play with any less then every ounce of energy then you ….

“aren’t really playing”

I am just watching then as other play, and i become like the
pieces on the board…

he looked out as the sun started to crack over the city

You can run away now and he turned toward the rising sun..

I looked at him, but if I run then I may as well end this game
once and for all,

But if you stay you have to risk everything or else
your not actually playing

I know…

Do you understand the risk if you continue to play ?

I looked out a thousand things flashed inside of my third eye

yes.. I understand what I am risking, I understand it may not be the easiest
thing to do, but yet to run despite my fears, despite my doubts, would be to never really live…

It would be to live as many live, to wake up to do things you don’t even understand why you do them, to believe things you don’t even understand why to believe, to secretly never feel loved, to secretly never feel ok, then to end up trying to numb the never ending hunting inside that says something is wrong with pills, or drugs, or some distraction, and to live always distracting yourself from yourself because you ran from yourself and you never played you were always but a piece being played is to never really live and I would rather end the game and move out of this world and body into another… I see them everywhere there not here, there somewhere else, and if I ask them things they look away, their eyes glass over I feel their hearts push out, and then they say… everything is ok…. as they then turn and go back into the machine, plug in , distract and silence the voice inside…

I don’t want to live like that …

So Yes I understand the risk, I understand the cliff I understand the fall, I understand the pain, I understand the great heights and depths I may have to travel and yet even though part of me wants to run, I know

there is nowhere to run, so I either play or am played and I already put everything on the board

my love
my heart
my money
my pride
my time
my family
my ego
my body
my soul
my life…

he looked at me….

fine then be prepared to play with everything you are and everything you can become and never look back and never let yourself doubt your dreams and never forget why you play

ahhhhh

Thats the hard part, thats the trick, for in this world in this town they teach you to play for money, for love, for fame, for power, but that can’t be the reason you play or you’ll never really play, for when you have something to lose you can’t give your all and so only when you have nothing to lose or win can you ever really play…

very few really play you have seen them they are forever remembered for when they play and how they play can change the game

He looked away

Are you still going to play….?

Yes…

Why are you going to play ?

For the things I never speak about

But i know and you know

the city closed in….

The time is now

I know

So go and play

Play till your light leaves your body
Till the sun fails to rise
Till there is nothing left
play with all of your
mind body and heart
play for the things
you don’t speak about
……..

He drew a line

Remember why you play
Remember to play
and Remember never to forget
the one rule that overcomes all the others
there is only one way to really play
and that is by playing
willing to lose everything
willing to give everything
willing to walk with nothing

I looked up…

what would the world be like
if everyone knew
you couldn’t win
you couldn’t lose
you can only really play?

what if the whole world knew
you cant lose love
you cant lose things
you cant own love
you cant own things

what if the whole world remembered
who we are
who we can be
who we would become
if we could see the truth

but the truth was lost
in a game others created
with rules to rule
in fear and doubt
but there is no fear
when there is nothing to lose

I looked at the fading stars
I am part of that
I looked at the rising sun
I am part of that
I looked at the sky
I am part of that
and when I leave this body
I got back to that
and I cannot carry
anything but light

so now…..

I chose to play

……
Then it was over
he was gone
and I remembered everything
as if it was a dream

Posted on: 12-26-2011
Posted in: Journal

Black Box – Kraddy – me playing a fighter :) 0

Only my friends could talk me into fighting and making out with a stranger till 7 am in the morning
I must love Kraddy or else I would have never gone this far ;)

xo
Jillian Ann

Posted on: 12-5-2011
Posted in: Journal, News

find myself home 1

The rules , there were so many of them most of them did not make sense to me .  More then half of them went against my nature, and so then I was taught it was sin …

I found if I didn’t  behave , dress, eat, love, worship, work, do as they wanted the energy would shift I can always feel that shift and then the very ones you think love you who you feel safe with who you trust turn to you and say or act in such a way that send the message…

yours bad, wrong, evil, dark,  its not ok, right, your not good, your not doing what your suppossed to…

It could be about politics, sex, religion, my  clothing, what I eat for dinner, what I did or didn’t do and I remember everytime it happened part of me would sink to the floor…

….. but wait this means you don’t really love me and you never really did? or your love was based on conditions on rules you created without even telling me i had to follow them to be loved……..

Then I would retreat into my art, into the woods , into books paper music, I would try to find the other people like me… I wanted to run away to the land of misfits because the non misfits never seemed to want or love me anyways and so I wanted to escape that world which felt cold and limited a exsistence lived walking on egg shells…

I left it all, I left with nothing to find my family to find myself, to find a world in which people could love me for me, accept me as me and not just cut me off or judge me when I do something they view as wrong…  To me the only thing that matters in this world is love, and the only way to love someone is to love them regardless of if they lose it sometimes,if they fall , if they get high, if they fall apart, if they make a mistake, if they believe in god or worship the moon,  to love someone is to love them in all of there evolutions transformation and realizations anything is not love and yet is what is sold as love everyday to humanity through religion, through even spiritual dogmatic thought, through fear breeding seperation and division…

I roamed the earth and now and then I would met people who I connected to a soul level and I usually would try to scare them off right away by not hiding anything just to see if they lived what they preached, if you say your a warrior for love and I show you my shadow and you want to wipe me out of your life then you cant ever love me anyways we all have a shadow side, we all have our traumas and our wounds, we all have our breakdowns and if we cant love and fight for each other in the breakdown then well its not love, its like a drug and when its good your there and when its not a high your gone and that to me is not love its something else…..

I found some people here and there, who would watch the shadow dance and be there in the breakdown and then almost as if they cast some magic spell I never needed to go there again i knew if they could handle the dark they could handle the light. Some people become very judgemental the moment they are challenged at a soul level and all of the sudden i would be reduced to dark, bad, wrong, or evil, rather then them realizing typically the only thing that bothers us about someone else is something within ourselves…

Those I found I kept because they didn’t just abandon me or stop caring about love the moment a storm came, and the rest I try to love regardless of how sometimes hard it is to reach out over and over trying to bridge the gap between hearts and keep the love and support alive…..

Then I found myself in a land of misfits and orphans but in this world magic would happen, sometimes because when your a misfit or a orphan all  you have left is your dreams creativity and heart, and I realized those who came from that land often understood and were more sensitive to the importance of loving someone and supporting them even when you disagree, even when you had a fight, even when you are uncomfortable…. maybe its easier to love when you already lost it all, maybe its easier to forgive when you had to just in order to not kill yourself or others, maybe its easier to have compassion when you see how much pain and suffering comes from lack of compassion…..

I like the land of the misfits and orphans

somedays on holidays part of me feels a little loss, I try to communicate through the differences i have had and have with those i love, I write endless emails trying to bridge the gap, I have made efforts to communicate despite the different perspectives on politics, religion, sex, love, and when I reach out and can’t connect back at the heart with those I love who can’t love or see me, sometimes its challenging for me to just let go and on holidays sometimes I stare at the phone hopping this time

they will call, they will write, they will respond and we can live happily ever after able to love each other despite all of our differences and when silence is the only response there is a moment when my heart sometimes pushes against my body and I have to go walk in the starlight and remind myself were all one, were all connected and my only responsibility is to keep sending them love over the airwaves and NEVER let the hurt or pain the fear or loss turn into anger for then I can become like so many slicing off each others heads out of fear due to misunderstanding, miscommunication, or differences and its hard sometimes… it seems it would be easier not to care, its not easy to care and know all you can do is love them from afar even if they may see you as bad, unworthy, unlovable, forever ….but my other option is to let this heart grow cold and close off with everytime I love someone and then kill the love within and without as a response to the hate, anger, fear, or lack of love coming from them….

Our world so vast

so beautiful and yet under all the protest and the war

under all the confusion and insanity

is a truth I see everyday that stings inside of me as a constant reminder….

to try to love no matter what ruthless no matter how challenging ever ending even at the death of my pride and ego each time I reach out despite the response, each time I make a song despite the end of its reach, to do things because of love and for love not for things that will fade in the passing day….

I live in a world full of some people may not understand and yet I have found more support love and compassion within it then anywhere else in the world and I am thankful for all of them for they remind me there is still love that is endless dreams without a ceiling and the potential to do anything who support me through all of my ups and downs my bliss and breakdowns my dreams and when my world crashes down, I am thankful to have found a world in which if I can dream it I can create it and somewhere someone will be there to run with me through these fields and fantasies crossing back into reality….

On the way here someone came up to me ” your not from around here”  ” no I am not ” ” where are you from ” ” Los Angeles”  I looked at him I saw way more then I knew how to explain in 5 seconds…

” some places have more doors then others , leave while you still have the chance “

I walked off , sometimes if you stay in the same place afraid to move you never get to reach that other world where dreams and reality fuse in magical connections, There are times I have to leave to go to follow something so translucent its only a soft melody under the noise buried in my soul, but if i follow it I always find myself at home…

home is a place where I can be me

free

open

loving

connected

one

with those around me

without judgement without fear

this may be heaven… and I may already be here….

and I am thankful for this even though in moments its challenging and one day I hope everyone will be here for in the end all the petty things that tear us apart

are nothing but ashes and dust all that matters is the love we share everything else is fades into the wind… into the past… all these rules are nothing more then invisible lines keeping us seperated and torn apart from our own hearts….

its challenging to transform the things that hurt into a open heart over and over but its the only way not to let the empty petty things tear love away

and so here I continue to try to stay

 

 

Posted on: 11-26-2011
Posted in: Journal

close 1

close

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I have always been a loner of sorts
with my piano and cats often as the closest things to me is because
I never felt safe in my family or with my family as a kid and the concept
of being close brings up things I have worked through to the best of my
ability but still sometimes are challenging…

Holidays can be like that my friends became my family because my family
may as well not be there, due to religion and differences on perspectives
the capacity to accept me and love me are challenging and I have spent
most of my adult life realizing that I can’t change them, and I cant live for them
leaving me the one who has reached out so many times to never hear a response
from them or the response being less then warm to give up on reaching out
accept the fact that I am actually alone in this world and yet never alone…

But the holidays are always challenging for everyone leaves to go home
and I go to see my friends or spend it with my manager who is as close to
family as I have, and when things are stormy due to health, conflicts or other storms
with my friends or loved ones, I remind myself everything comes and goes, and sometimes I wonder if my non attachment is just the way I have learned to deal with loss , by never really expecting anyone or anything to be there tomorrow it makes it easier when there gone, or leave,  and yet if I stay here in the moment…

Life is beautiful it has its little moments of feelings of loss or sadness but overall its beautiful and I feel loved and accepted more then ever its just not from my blood lines, its not even from some of the people I was close to a decade ago, but I never feel alone or unloved as long as I stay here now and realize what comes and goes is perfect and the loss comes to teach me and love is always here within me and the reality is

That is all that is real the rest is just like a beautiful dream one which changes everyday I close my eyes and open them again, and I could hang on to the what ifs and only and count the trauma and losses the suffering and damage or look at the beautiful sky right in front of me and say wait everything is beautiful and ok even if it all ends here even if my lover my family my animals go on or leave or pass away and even if I die well then the dream just changes form and so

I’ll stay here and send love to all those who aren’t here for whatever reason, people come people go from family to lovers for reasons to many to count but right in front of me is the most magical life I think anyone could ever live and so I will let the ghost sleep and stay in this beautiful moment where when I look around I often question if I am still dreaming….

Posted on: 11-21-2011
Posted in: Journal

part 1 0

I am writing this it will be all you have to read from me while i am at burningman and i hope you read it because i am going to say stuff I normally wouldn’t say but upon a month of reflection and soul searching I feel its a good time and space to share this. A long time ago I used to lay in the grass and just stare in the sky, I lived in nature and spent the first 17 years of my life spending hours if not days alone in nature. I found a connection there as i stared into the sky as i walked with the animals and sang with the trees, I found a peace and a sense of awareness that filled me with a bliss that no drug has ever touched. I tapped into something then and used to lay down and then I would start to travel, I would see and feel so many things, all over the world, it was as if I could be anywhere and see anything, I realized everything that was and ever was is all right here, its all inside and around of and if we listen we can hear it. Nature became my mother, my father, my guide, animals were my teachers. Animals taught me loyality animals don’t lie animals just are . I bonded deeply with animals always felt like we could talk just by looking each other in the eyes. It was in those woods I got a message, or rather it was like a download, I saw all these things I saw where I needed to go, a path was laid out, I would look into the clouds and say how am i suppossed to get from being a little kid whos never been to school all the way there , and it always responded just listen just follow and never give up . The dream unfolded the visions the ideas, I started working on it as a child, I read every book i could find about art, music, healing, nature, humanity. I stuided every religion, history, everything I could get my hands on. My family wanted me to be a missionary but when I listened to my heart when I went into the woods, it told me , that it wasn’t correct that path wasn’t correct. It had been distorted it had been twisted and because of that it caused many pain and suffering. I came to this realization very young, but then tried to communicate it to my parents, my sunday school teachers and I was either punished or silenced. I would run back into the woods often in tears, they don’t understand, and then the earth the animals and the plants would feed me no matter how much I hurt it would always restore me. I started singing in the woods as I walked and songs just came so many songs, I could just sing all day, and I would it was magic it was beautiful it felt like I was in heaven there alone with my dogs as my guards singing in the woods. Then I would sing in church, kids would make fun of me, people told me it was all wrong. People were not like animals I found most people kinda scared me. So then I didn’t want to sing in front of people, because I felt like they didn’t understand it, I wasn’t singing to try to sing perfect or to impress anyone I was singing because it to me was my prayer my way of communicating with the universe with nature with animals. But I would go into the woods and it would say someday you will be here and I would see these places stages in places but then I would say, but when I sing people just attack me? why would I ever want to sing for them, when it seems all they want to do is tear me down. I was confused, this world confused me, nature didn’t confuse me my animals didn’t confuse me. I remember then seeing it coming, it was like a shadow, i saw it in a dream during the day , these machines, coming to kill the forrest to kill nature, I remember I would feel so much pain, then all around where i lived they started tearing down the trees, they started destoying the forrest and then I started to feel as though I was lost, all these strange lights made me feel tired, all this stuff for sale I didn’t want all this noise from all the cars and all the new stores. I was devestaed, there killing you, there killing you. I would run and hide in what was left and then there was no forrest it was all suburbs and I missed the trees, I would find a cove and bury myself in the bush, I would dig a tunnel and make a little circle and collect pretty things from nature and place them in it. Then we moved further out, and once again I had forrest, but then I felt it coming all over the world the machines, the smoke, and then came the walmarts, and the burger kings, and the mcdonalds, and I would walk in these stores and look around at all this stuff. I didn’t want it I just wanted things to make art with and books to read. Then one day they came into my forrest and cut down so much of it. I went in after and ran my hands over the trunks of the trees and there blood and I felt as those part of me was dying. Then I found coffee shops, I found music venues, I found a few friends who saw the world l ike me, and as the forrest vanished all around me I tried to find a new home. A new place I felt safe, I found when I was in places with music and art it felt ok, but so many places just felt off, people seemed like they were turning into these sleep walkign zombies in so many places who would just snap over anything and become angry and then I would feel the anger and the violence and then I would see the wars, the bombs, the destuction and it was too much for me to take , I didn’t know how to process it, why are they doing this? why are they killing each other? why are they destroying the world, why is this happening. I would run into the woods I would drive into the woods, and ask why? As I got older it became clear if I was going to be a artist, a writing, a creator, my parents wouldnt support me unless i was a christian artist, writer, missionary, or a christian. I tried to explain, I tried to share, I just wanted to love them and be loved, but it seemed unless I was that they couldn’t love me they couldn’t accept me and it was painful. I didn’t know what to do with the pain I felt and so I would run, but if i couldn’t run if I couldn’t escape to the woods I would feel trapped. Then I didn’t want to hurt anyone, not a animal, not a person, not nature, so sometimes I would cut myself for when I did that it didn’t hurt so much inside. I discovered drugs, they took me places, they took me away from feeling trapped , they took me into other worlds. They took me out of this one with the machines and more into the other one, and i felt safer there, people confused me this world confused me, but when i would close my eyes under the trees and smoke I felt with the plants inside out I was deeper in nature and further away from the things I didn’t understand. But then the day came where i knew if I stayed at home if I stayed there in suburba I would never get out alive. I had a choice to make stay and keep my family and live a lie in my soul and deny every beautiful moment every beautiful connect every dream or leave. I went to my mother nature in tears, what do i do where do i go. She said run, run and you’ll be ok, its time for you to go to the cities and start your work, but the cities have no trees, yes but I am still there in the sky, in the sun the wind the rain the concrete the steal the wood , it all came from me. So I went in the night with a backpack with my best friend who came to take me away. I had nothing, and then I was in the city, I was 17 with a backpack….

Posted on: 08-29-2011
Posted in: Journal

Kill the Ideas 0

Kill the Ideas

we are told we aren’t beautiful
we aren’t worthy to be loved
we aren’t good enough
we need a title or a god
a religion or a lover
we need approval by a system
a teacher a preacher
many are told they are bad
or evil for something they
did or didn’t do

none of this true
none of it is real

we are perfect we are sovereign

and they can rape, steal, break, harm, lie,
kill us and they can’t touch us

and no matter what happened to you
what trauma or harm or abuse what injustice
or projection or rejection  your

still beautiful
still lovable
still perfect
still sovereign
still divine
still able to accomplish your dreams
be happy be loved and shine as bright as the sun

no one can take your light
no one can take your love
no one can take your spirit
no one can take your dreams
no one can take your life

reclaim it all, its yours, it always was
and anything else isn’t just a idea

delete the idea
destroy the idea

we are the hope
the brighter we shine
the more we love
the more we create
the more we forgive
the more we fight
with passion with fire
with courage
never giving up
on ourselves or each other

the more we can shift this world away from that idea
and restore balance inside out from our hearts
into this world

and no
its not always easy
not today
not yesterday
not tomorrow

but your either fighting for love
for truth for hope maybe your crying
through it maybe it hurts like hell
maybe you breakdown
maybe but never ever ever give up

cause then

your dying

Time to kill the ideas
the agreements
the things we didn’t’ chose
time to create out of love
out of hope
out of change a new world
that starts inside our hearts and minds

 

Posted on: 08-26-2011
Posted in: Blog, Journal, Poetry

Protected: the key Enter your password to view comments.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Posted on: 08-19-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog, Journal
Page 1 of 512345»