Jillian Ann
  • Home
  • Music
    • Dubstep/Bass
    • Cinematica
    • Trance/House
    • Know Us
    • Confess
    • Ravager Remixs
    • Love Again
    • Beauty & The Bass
    • Set it Of
    • King Of Solitude
    • Beta
  • Gigs
    • Future Shows
    • Past Shows
    • Resume
  • Read
    • News
    • Journal
    • Poetry
    • Advocacy
    • All That Was
  • Images
    • Press Shots
    • Album Art
    • Live
    • life + <3′s + my i’s
    • Flyers + Things
    • Secret 1.0
  • Watch
    • Music Videos
    • Reel + Film Clips
    • My Music In Film/TV
    • Video Blog
    • Live Videos
    • Fan Made Videos
  • Free
    • Free Music
    • My Iphone App
    • Wallpapers
  • Store
    • Downloads
    • My Store
    • BandCamp
    • BeatPort
    • Itunes
  • ABOUT ME +
    • Bio
    • Press
    • Contact
    • Facebook
    • Soundcloud
    • Twitter
    • YouTube
    • Resume
    • Myspace
    • Simplify Recordings
    • ReverbNation
    • SongKick
  • Mailing List
  • Links

Journal

The Visitor 1

He sat down across from me

This is serious .. I said as I looked at his face
hidden in the night under the blackened sky
“yes it is” I know or else you wouldn’t have come
to visit me …

On the table in front of me he laid out
my entire life, the tools I had gathered
the things I had learned, the gifts I had
been given I saw the pieces as they
were laid out one by one…

Do you see the board ?
Yes ,
Do you understand the game?
I believe so …
Then how do you play ? to win or lose ?
neither, you just play
Correct for if you limit the game if you perceive
something as winning or losing you therefore
limit the game and yourself….

Example…
Remember when you were drugged, kidnapped,raped
yes.. was that winning or losing
neither, for what i learned helped me more then the momentary pain
when you were at the height of your musical career and the project
dissolved was that winning or losing
neither for without that I would never had opened the doors which
created these future opportunities
When you fell in love and thought they were the one and then they were gone
neither for without the lose I would have never loved this person who taught me
this ..

He drew a line across the board…
Now what are you going to do….

I looked at the board with all of the pieces
all of the gifts with a map of the world
a map of dreams a map of possibilities

We are going to raise the stakes now
everything in on the board
your entire life, all your dreams, everyone you love and loved
Your pride, your fear, your insecurities, your shadows, your past,
the things that hurt you the most and the things that you fear the most
they are all on the board..

I looked at him… so if you came then you came to show me
something I don’t already know

The silence drew in as the sun started to rise

Your next move means risking everything you are and have been
for in order for you to move forward you must take all the things
you fear, everything that hurt you, every memory, every trauma,
every secret, every doubt, every thing people use against you,
everything you believed, every insecurity every self doubt, all the
things that hold you back and place them on the board
anything your still keeping inside you most now take out
and use it, use all of it, and fear none of it, or else it will prevent you
from playing with your whole being…

If you play with any less then every ounce of energy then you ….

“aren’t really playing”

I am just watching then as other play, and i become like the
pieces on the board…

he looked out as the sun started to crack over the city

You can run away now and he turned toward the rising sun..

I looked at him, but if I run then I may as well end this game
once and for all,

But if you stay you have to risk everything or else
your not actually playing

I know…

Do you understand the risk if you continue to play ?

I looked out a thousand things flashed inside of my third eye

yes.. I understand what I am risking, I understand it may not be the easiest
thing to do, but yet to run despite my fears, despite my doubts, would be to never really live…

It would be to live as many live, to wake up to do things you don’t even understand why you do them, to believe things you don’t even understand why to believe, to secretly never feel loved, to secretly never feel ok, then to end up trying to numb the never ending hunting inside that says something is wrong with pills, or drugs, or some distraction, and to live always distracting yourself from yourself because you ran from yourself and you never played you were always but a piece being played is to never really live and I would rather end the game and move out of this world and body into another… I see them everywhere there not here, there somewhere else, and if I ask them things they look away, their eyes glass over I feel their hearts push out, and then they say… everything is ok…. as they then turn and go back into the machine, plug in , distract and silence the voice inside…

I don’t want to live like that …

So Yes I understand the risk, I understand the cliff I understand the fall, I understand the pain, I understand the great heights and depths I may have to travel and yet even though part of me wants to run, I know

there is nowhere to run, so I either play or am played and I already put everything on the board

my love
my heart
my money
my pride
my time
my family
my ego
my body
my soul
my life…

he looked at me….

fine then be prepared to play with everything you are and everything you can become and never look back and never let yourself doubt your dreams and never forget why you play

ahhhhh

Thats the hard part, thats the trick, for in this world in this town they teach you to play for money, for love, for fame, for power, but that can’t be the reason you play or you’ll never really play, for when you have something to lose you can’t give your all and so only when you have nothing to lose or win can you ever really play…

very few really play you have seen them they are forever remembered for when they play and how they play can change the game

He looked away

Are you still going to play….?

Yes…

Why are you going to play ?

For the things I never speak about

But i know and you know

the city closed in….

The time is now

I know

So go and play

Play till your light leaves your body
Till the sun fails to rise
Till there is nothing left
play with all of your
mind body and heart
play for the things
you don’t speak about
……..

He drew a line

Remember why you play
Remember to play
and Remember never to forget
the one rule that overcomes all the others
there is only one way to really play
and that is by playing
willing to lose everything
willing to give everything
willing to walk with nothing

I looked up…

what would the world be like
if everyone knew
you couldn’t win
you couldn’t lose
you can only really play?

what if the whole world knew
you cant lose love
you cant lose things
you cant own love
you cant own things

what if the whole world remembered
who we are
who we can be
who we would become
if we could see the truth

but the truth was lost
in a game others created
with rules to rule
in fear and doubt
but there is no fear
when there is nothing to lose

I looked at the fading stars
I am part of that
I looked at the rising sun
I am part of that
I looked at the sky
I am part of that
and when I leave this body
I got back to that
and I cannot carry
anything but light

so now…..

I chose to play

……
Then it was over
he was gone
and I remembered everything
as if it was a dream

Posted on: 12-26-2011
Posted in: Journal

Black Box – Kraddy – me playing a fighter :) 0

Only my friends could talk me into fighting and making out with a stranger till 7 am in the morning
I must love Kraddy or else I would have never gone this far ;)

xo
Jillian Ann

Posted on: 12-5-2011
Posted in: Journal, News

find myself home 1

The rules , there were so many of them most of them did not make sense to me .  More then half of them went against my nature, and so then I was taught it was sin …

I found if I didn’t  behave , dress, eat, love, worship, work, do as they wanted the energy would shift I can always feel that shift and then the very ones you think love you who you feel safe with who you trust turn to you and say or act in such a way that send the message…

yours bad, wrong, evil, dark,  its not ok, right, your not good, your not doing what your suppossed to…

It could be about politics, sex, religion, my  clothing, what I eat for dinner, what I did or didn’t do and I remember everytime it happened part of me would sink to the floor…

….. but wait this means you don’t really love me and you never really did? or your love was based on conditions on rules you created without even telling me i had to follow them to be loved……..

Then I would retreat into my art, into the woods , into books paper music, I would try to find the other people like me… I wanted to run away to the land of misfits because the non misfits never seemed to want or love me anyways and so I wanted to escape that world which felt cold and limited a exsistence lived walking on egg shells…

I left it all, I left with nothing to find my family to find myself, to find a world in which people could love me for me, accept me as me and not just cut me off or judge me when I do something they view as wrong…  To me the only thing that matters in this world is love, and the only way to love someone is to love them regardless of if they lose it sometimes,if they fall , if they get high, if they fall apart, if they make a mistake, if they believe in god or worship the moon,  to love someone is to love them in all of there evolutions transformation and realizations anything is not love and yet is what is sold as love everyday to humanity through religion, through even spiritual dogmatic thought, through fear breeding seperation and division…

I roamed the earth and now and then I would met people who I connected to a soul level and I usually would try to scare them off right away by not hiding anything just to see if they lived what they preached, if you say your a warrior for love and I show you my shadow and you want to wipe me out of your life then you cant ever love me anyways we all have a shadow side, we all have our traumas and our wounds, we all have our breakdowns and if we cant love and fight for each other in the breakdown then well its not love, its like a drug and when its good your there and when its not a high your gone and that to me is not love its something else…..

I found some people here and there, who would watch the shadow dance and be there in the breakdown and then almost as if they cast some magic spell I never needed to go there again i knew if they could handle the dark they could handle the light. Some people become very judgemental the moment they are challenged at a soul level and all of the sudden i would be reduced to dark, bad, wrong, or evil, rather then them realizing typically the only thing that bothers us about someone else is something within ourselves…

Those I found I kept because they didn’t just abandon me or stop caring about love the moment a storm came, and the rest I try to love regardless of how sometimes hard it is to reach out over and over trying to bridge the gap between hearts and keep the love and support alive…..

Then I found myself in a land of misfits and orphans but in this world magic would happen, sometimes because when your a misfit or a orphan all  you have left is your dreams creativity and heart, and I realized those who came from that land often understood and were more sensitive to the importance of loving someone and supporting them even when you disagree, even when you had a fight, even when you are uncomfortable…. maybe its easier to love when you already lost it all, maybe its easier to forgive when you had to just in order to not kill yourself or others, maybe its easier to have compassion when you see how much pain and suffering comes from lack of compassion…..

I like the land of the misfits and orphans

somedays on holidays part of me feels a little loss, I try to communicate through the differences i have had and have with those i love, I write endless emails trying to bridge the gap, I have made efforts to communicate despite the different perspectives on politics, religion, sex, love, and when I reach out and can’t connect back at the heart with those I love who can’t love or see me, sometimes its challenging for me to just let go and on holidays sometimes I stare at the phone hopping this time

they will call, they will write, they will respond and we can live happily ever after able to love each other despite all of our differences and when silence is the only response there is a moment when my heart sometimes pushes against my body and I have to go walk in the starlight and remind myself were all one, were all connected and my only responsibility is to keep sending them love over the airwaves and NEVER let the hurt or pain the fear or loss turn into anger for then I can become like so many slicing off each others heads out of fear due to misunderstanding, miscommunication, or differences and its hard sometimes… it seems it would be easier not to care, its not easy to care and know all you can do is love them from afar even if they may see you as bad, unworthy, unlovable, forever ….but my other option is to let this heart grow cold and close off with everytime I love someone and then kill the love within and without as a response to the hate, anger, fear, or lack of love coming from them….

Our world so vast

so beautiful and yet under all the protest and the war

under all the confusion and insanity

is a truth I see everyday that stings inside of me as a constant reminder….

to try to love no matter what ruthless no matter how challenging ever ending even at the death of my pride and ego each time I reach out despite the response, each time I make a song despite the end of its reach, to do things because of love and for love not for things that will fade in the passing day….

I live in a world full of some people may not understand and yet I have found more support love and compassion within it then anywhere else in the world and I am thankful for all of them for they remind me there is still love that is endless dreams without a ceiling and the potential to do anything who support me through all of my ups and downs my bliss and breakdowns my dreams and when my world crashes down, I am thankful to have found a world in which if I can dream it I can create it and somewhere someone will be there to run with me through these fields and fantasies crossing back into reality….

On the way here someone came up to me ” your not from around here”  ” no I am not ” ” where are you from ” ” Los Angeles”  I looked at him I saw way more then I knew how to explain in 5 seconds…

” some places have more doors then others , leave while you still have the chance “

I walked off , sometimes if you stay in the same place afraid to move you never get to reach that other world where dreams and reality fuse in magical connections, There are times I have to leave to go to follow something so translucent its only a soft melody under the noise buried in my soul, but if i follow it I always find myself at home…

home is a place where I can be me

free

open

loving

connected

one

with those around me

without judgement without fear

this may be heaven… and I may already be here….

and I am thankful for this even though in moments its challenging and one day I hope everyone will be here for in the end all the petty things that tear us apart

are nothing but ashes and dust all that matters is the love we share everything else is fades into the wind… into the past… all these rules are nothing more then invisible lines keeping us seperated and torn apart from our own hearts….

its challenging to transform the things that hurt into a open heart over and over but its the only way not to let the empty petty things tear love away

and so here I continue to try to stay

 

 

Posted on: 11-26-2011
Posted in: Journal

close 1

close

photo
IMG_0574
IMG_0610


Sometimes I wonder if the reason I have always been a loner of sorts
with my piano and cats often as the closest things to me is because
I never felt safe in my family or with my family as a kid and the concept
of being close brings up things I have worked through to the best of my
ability but still sometimes are challenging…

Holidays can be like that my friends became my family because my family
may as well not be there, due to religion and differences on perspectives
the capacity to accept me and love me are challenging and I have spent
most of my adult life realizing that I can’t change them, and I cant live for them
leaving me the one who has reached out so many times to never hear a response
from them or the response being less then warm to give up on reaching out
accept the fact that I am actually alone in this world and yet never alone…

But the holidays are always challenging for everyone leaves to go home
and I go to see my friends or spend it with my manager who is as close to
family as I have, and when things are stormy due to health, conflicts or other storms
with my friends or loved ones, I remind myself everything comes and goes, and sometimes I wonder if my non attachment is just the way I have learned to deal with loss , by never really expecting anyone or anything to be there tomorrow it makes it easier when there gone, or leave,  and yet if I stay here in the moment…

Life is beautiful it has its little moments of feelings of loss or sadness but overall its beautiful and I feel loved and accepted more then ever its just not from my blood lines, its not even from some of the people I was close to a decade ago, but I never feel alone or unloved as long as I stay here now and realize what comes and goes is perfect and the loss comes to teach me and love is always here within me and the reality is

That is all that is real the rest is just like a beautiful dream one which changes everyday I close my eyes and open them again, and I could hang on to the what ifs and only and count the trauma and losses the suffering and damage or look at the beautiful sky right in front of me and say wait everything is beautiful and ok even if it all ends here even if my lover my family my animals go on or leave or pass away and even if I die well then the dream just changes form and so

I’ll stay here and send love to all those who aren’t here for whatever reason, people come people go from family to lovers for reasons to many to count but right in front of me is the most magical life I think anyone could ever live and so I will let the ghost sleep and stay in this beautiful moment where when I look around I often question if I am still dreaming….

Posted on: 11-21-2011
Posted in: Journal

part 1 0

I am writing this it will be all you have to read from me while i am at burningman and i hope you read it because i am going to say stuff I normally wouldn’t say but upon a month of reflection and soul searching I feel its a good time and space to share this. A long time ago I used to lay in the grass and just stare in the sky, I lived in nature and spent the first 17 years of my life spending hours if not days alone in nature. I found a connection there as i stared into the sky as i walked with the animals and sang with the trees, I found a peace and a sense of awareness that filled me with a bliss that no drug has ever touched. I tapped into something then and used to lay down and then I would start to travel, I would see and feel so many things, all over the world, it was as if I could be anywhere and see anything, I realized everything that was and ever was is all right here, its all inside and around of and if we listen we can hear it. Nature became my mother, my father, my guide, animals were my teachers. Animals taught me loyality animals don’t lie animals just are . I bonded deeply with animals always felt like we could talk just by looking each other in the eyes. It was in those woods I got a message, or rather it was like a download, I saw all these things I saw where I needed to go, a path was laid out, I would look into the clouds and say how am i suppossed to get from being a little kid whos never been to school all the way there , and it always responded just listen just follow and never give up . The dream unfolded the visions the ideas, I started working on it as a child, I read every book i could find about art, music, healing, nature, humanity. I stuided every religion, history, everything I could get my hands on. My family wanted me to be a missionary but when I listened to my heart when I went into the woods, it told me , that it wasn’t correct that path wasn’t correct. It had been distorted it had been twisted and because of that it caused many pain and suffering. I came to this realization very young, but then tried to communicate it to my parents, my sunday school teachers and I was either punished or silenced. I would run back into the woods often in tears, they don’t understand, and then the earth the animals and the plants would feed me no matter how much I hurt it would always restore me. I started singing in the woods as I walked and songs just came so many songs, I could just sing all day, and I would it was magic it was beautiful it felt like I was in heaven there alone with my dogs as my guards singing in the woods. Then I would sing in church, kids would make fun of me, people told me it was all wrong. People were not like animals I found most people kinda scared me. So then I didn’t want to sing in front of people, because I felt like they didn’t understand it, I wasn’t singing to try to sing perfect or to impress anyone I was singing because it to me was my prayer my way of communicating with the universe with nature with animals. But I would go into the woods and it would say someday you will be here and I would see these places stages in places but then I would say, but when I sing people just attack me? why would I ever want to sing for them, when it seems all they want to do is tear me down. I was confused, this world confused me, nature didn’t confuse me my animals didn’t confuse me. I remember then seeing it coming, it was like a shadow, i saw it in a dream during the day , these machines, coming to kill the forrest to kill nature, I remember I would feel so much pain, then all around where i lived they started tearing down the trees, they started destoying the forrest and then I started to feel as though I was lost, all these strange lights made me feel tired, all this stuff for sale I didn’t want all this noise from all the cars and all the new stores. I was devestaed, there killing you, there killing you. I would run and hide in what was left and then there was no forrest it was all suburbs and I missed the trees, I would find a cove and bury myself in the bush, I would dig a tunnel and make a little circle and collect pretty things from nature and place them in it. Then we moved further out, and once again I had forrest, but then I felt it coming all over the world the machines, the smoke, and then came the walmarts, and the burger kings, and the mcdonalds, and I would walk in these stores and look around at all this stuff. I didn’t want it I just wanted things to make art with and books to read. Then one day they came into my forrest and cut down so much of it. I went in after and ran my hands over the trunks of the trees and there blood and I felt as those part of me was dying. Then I found coffee shops, I found music venues, I found a few friends who saw the world l ike me, and as the forrest vanished all around me I tried to find a new home. A new place I felt safe, I found when I was in places with music and art it felt ok, but so many places just felt off, people seemed like they were turning into these sleep walkign zombies in so many places who would just snap over anything and become angry and then I would feel the anger and the violence and then I would see the wars, the bombs, the destuction and it was too much for me to take , I didn’t know how to process it, why are they doing this? why are they killing each other? why are they destroying the world, why is this happening. I would run into the woods I would drive into the woods, and ask why? As I got older it became clear if I was going to be a artist, a writing, a creator, my parents wouldnt support me unless i was a christian artist, writer, missionary, or a christian. I tried to explain, I tried to share, I just wanted to love them and be loved, but it seemed unless I was that they couldn’t love me they couldn’t accept me and it was painful. I didn’t know what to do with the pain I felt and so I would run, but if i couldn’t run if I couldn’t escape to the woods I would feel trapped. Then I didn’t want to hurt anyone, not a animal, not a person, not nature, so sometimes I would cut myself for when I did that it didn’t hurt so much inside. I discovered drugs, they took me places, they took me away from feeling trapped , they took me into other worlds. They took me out of this one with the machines and more into the other one, and i felt safer there, people confused me this world confused me, but when i would close my eyes under the trees and smoke I felt with the plants inside out I was deeper in nature and further away from the things I didn’t understand. But then the day came where i knew if I stayed at home if I stayed there in suburba I would never get out alive. I had a choice to make stay and keep my family and live a lie in my soul and deny every beautiful moment every beautiful connect every dream or leave. I went to my mother nature in tears, what do i do where do i go. She said run, run and you’ll be ok, its time for you to go to the cities and start your work, but the cities have no trees, yes but I am still there in the sky, in the sun the wind the rain the concrete the steal the wood , it all came from me. So I went in the night with a backpack with my best friend who came to take me away. I had nothing, and then I was in the city, I was 17 with a backpack….

Posted on: 08-29-2011
Posted in: Journal

Kill the Ideas 0

Kill the Ideas

we are told we aren’t beautiful
we aren’t worthy to be loved
we aren’t good enough
we need a title or a god
a religion or a lover
we need approval by a system
a teacher a preacher
many are told they are bad
or evil for something they
did or didn’t do

none of this true
none of it is real

we are perfect we are sovereign

and they can rape, steal, break, harm, lie,
kill us and they can’t touch us

and no matter what happened to you
what trauma or harm or abuse what injustice
or projection or rejection  your

still beautiful
still lovable
still perfect
still sovereign
still divine
still able to accomplish your dreams
be happy be loved and shine as bright as the sun

no one can take your light
no one can take your love
no one can take your spirit
no one can take your dreams
no one can take your life

reclaim it all, its yours, it always was
and anything else isn’t just a idea

delete the idea
destroy the idea

we are the hope
the brighter we shine
the more we love
the more we create
the more we forgive
the more we fight
with passion with fire
with courage
never giving up
on ourselves or each other

the more we can shift this world away from that idea
and restore balance inside out from our hearts
into this world

and no
its not always easy
not today
not yesterday
not tomorrow

but your either fighting for love
for truth for hope maybe your crying
through it maybe it hurts like hell
maybe you breakdown
maybe but never ever ever give up

cause then

your dying

Time to kill the ideas
the agreements
the things we didn’t’ chose
time to create out of love
out of hope
out of change a new world
that starts inside our hearts and minds

 

Posted on: 08-26-2011
Posted in: Blog, Journal, Poetry

Protected: the key Enter your password to view comments.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Posted on: 08-19-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog, Journal

BurningMan – Artist Without Tickets- Scalpers -and The Future of Underground Music 3

My name is Jillian Ann ( bass kitty  )
I am a truly independent musician and artist.
I have watched the consolidation of the music companies bring about lessened diversity and generate less income each year.  In what has been an otherwise bleak landscape, the festivals have been a bright spot.  Brighter still has been the outpouring of creativity in the electronic and dance world where diversity is encouraged and free from entangling label contracts, artistic collaborations are the norm.
I have also seen communities shut down events that feature dj’s and electronic acts, labeling this kind of music as not creative and not worthy of the term ‘concert’, thereby falling under different rules.  Insomniac is proving that this “fringe” is indeed talented and can generate revenue in colossal proportions.  And it is not just here in the US, this is global, ,so much so in fact that larger promoters like Live Nation, who have avoided this kind of music in the past, are now becoming players. Time will tell if they understand the special dynamics of this type of music event or not, I hope they do or they will fail in their endeavors.

All of this makes what is happening with Burning Man so sad.  This was the start of many a career and the inspiration behind many of the festivals today.  It meant something to be a “burner”. Something special and inspiring happened at Burning Man and the world felt it.  For those of you who do not know, Burning Man does not pay any musical artists to perform.  Large camps are set up each with their own stages and people pay to stay in one camp or another.  Artists frequently will play several camps and it has traditionally been a terrific networking and artistic experience, the electronic version of Woodstock if you will with a lot more than just music.

Artists were offered discounted tickets as few could afford the price of the ticket and camping and all the associated costs and without them there would be no festival.  Everyone was a star,  and everyone made the festival what it was.  Now the scalpers have taken the tickets and hundreds of artists who are scheduled to play are unable to get any unless they want to pay over a thousand dollars for a ticket.  I understand that the tickets should have been purchased the instant they went on sale, but scalpers will always win in the race for tickets and that very fact is contrary to the philosophy of Burning Man.
I would like to believe that this is taking everyone by surprise as this has never happened before.  Between all of us maybe we can re-claim what is an important event for our community and protect it from the greed that has consumed the rest of our industry.
Or maybe not….

This is a list of artist without tickets ( last I heard )  and  created a facebook page to try to help find the artist tickets if anyone can help we would be extremely thankful <3

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116288128467562

* please let us know if anyone on this list has one asap and how many they need * This list Includes DJS,Bands,Performers and even the Abraxas -Dragon Art Car -

Abraxas and The Mantis (art car/early set up)
An Ten Nae (GOT TIX)
Babylon System
Bass Couch Jeff (Big Sound camp 2:30&K)
Bassnectar (GOT TIX)
Beats Antique (David Satori, Sidecar Tommy, Zoe Jakes)
Bogl
Chlorophil
Danielson
David Starfire
Dials
DJ ICON
DJ Jonny Quest
Djunya
El Papachango
Emancipator
Eoto (3 People?)
Eva Ultra Violet
Freddy Todd
Freq Nasty (GOT TIX)
Funginears (Kyrian + 3)
Future Simple Project (GOT TIX!)
Gabriel E.L.F.
Gaudi
Gunslinger
HoopCharmer
Hopscotch (Anahata +2)
Iayon noemind
Ill Gates
Jillian Ann – (GOT TIX)
Jobot
Julliette
Kaminanda
Kitty-D  (GOT TIX)
Koralyra
Latter day dub
Love & Light – (GOT TIX!)
Lucia Luise
Luminaries
LYNX
Mimosa
Nanda
Nicoluminous (GOT TIX!)
Opiuo (coming from Australia!)
Ra So
Randy Seidman
Rich DDT
Rigzin
Rusty Bridges
Satchi Om (GOT TIX)
Scumfrog
Sean WildChild
Shpongle
SPL
Stasia Lotus
Stephan Jacobs
Steve Starlight
TDub
The Builder
Vibesquad (NOT GOING)
Zebber Encanti Experience (GOT TIX)

 

 

Posted on: 07-29-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog, Journal, News

seeking in circles 3

July 10 2011

271682_10150257997703866_501508865_7387884_3689140_o
263692_10150258079463866_501508865_7388842_6379700_n
280164_1970610783116_1178391260_31846707_2057936_o
277671_10150258143018866_501508865_7389461_614069_o


272106_10150258150248866_501508865_7389570_3044900_o
267959_10150257272858866_501508865_7381660_6656248_n
278673_10150257999083866_501508865_7387902_4426671_o
265397_10150258004933866_501508865_7387933_425201_o




What happened to time, the epic adventure of life keeps flying by. I have never had more support creatively, I’ve never had better friends, I have never been closer to my dreams.  Yet sometimes things feel so intense, sometimes I feel so alone in it, maybe I wonder if its because I never felt like I had a family and or I never felt I belonged, of course i looked for it when I was younger in love, and yet at the end of the day I often found myself facing a choice staying in something which wasn’t right for me, was abusive, dishonest, or not real, or being alone. That or our lives just crisscrossed apart, which isn’t a negative thing. The irony as art has always come first and it was my refuge, the concept of sharing that, live or by releasing recordings used to terrify me because music was my refuge it was my hiding place, now with touring, studios, writing and recording , its no longer my little hiding place.

Sometimes things have been difficult, I suppose since I have been on my own and never really had anyone but me and ( my friends) taking care of me, I developed a protective aspect, its the side of me that understands myself, and understands that  without protecting my own heart I will end up drained and wanting to leave all of it. I was there once i learned all about exploitation, as a young girl in the modeling industry, I learned how people would feed me drugs, and tell me to do things which weren’t actually good for me if it ment they would look better or profit off me. I learned about manipulation and deception the hard way. The music industry has its own flavor of it which is why  I keep those close who actually care about me, or at least I am as sure as I ever can be of anything, and who care about music for music sake. It causes me to feel somewhat safe even though the reality is part of me finds all of it sometimes intense…. and yet I’ve always been tough, strong, together, and yet

Part of me is trying to find a balance, I can’t music or perform without putting my whole heart into it and yet when I do it and people strike it, I then have to find a way to turn it off, or remove myself from it… I have been removing more and more…

maybe under all of this, I realize I never am home, cause the only home I ever knew was in my art in the silence of a random bath tube which changes states and or places every week… sometimes I meet another I feel at home with, and part of me always wonders if they are someone who can be a partner in crime in this adventure, some end up kidnapped into art creations and or life creations and others I seem to be too intense for… but then again I can only be myself and I chose a long time ago to keep my heart on my sleeve as much as I could despite the fact sometimes it hurts to the degree I find myself seeking a release, ideally one thats healthy or at least not destructive… but I just feel many artist feel more by choice, and the worlds intense its beautiful its epic its bliss but its also like walking around naked in a war zone.. thats how I feel somedays…

I keep trying to evolve into not taking things personally, its hard when its your family, its hard when its people you love, its hard when your naked without any armor but I guess I chose this  and I am working on a song about it, I could make choices and end it all, move to another country change my name and my hair, work as a waitress and write books I’d secretly release from far away places … I could just disappear… I could just vanish, I did it before…. but yet then I remember everyone else who maybe if I can finish all these songs, about stuff thats real to me, maybe they wont feel alone… and so sometimes under it all the only thing that keeps me here is knowing somewhere out there I can maybe give someone hope…

I went through lots of heavy stuff, I try to carry it and see it as gold, but sometimes under it all there is still a part of me that wishes this world was safer, there was more love and protection that people didn’t need to abuse, beat, rape, lie, deceive,murder, harm each other… and yet it was through all the pain I really came to appreciate beauty when I see it….

end random thoughts……I should maybe not post….

Posted on: 07-10-2011
Posted in: Blog, Journal

The Future of Food, GMO, Health, Your Food, Our Choice, Our Future, Your Health, Cancer+ Monsanto 0

The Future of Food, GMO, Health, Your Food, Our Choice, Our Future, Your Health, Cancer+  Monsanto

First off I don’t care how busy you are you have to watch all of this.. its very important for all of us here  and then ideally
make everyone you know do the same;) then below is my own personal thoughts regarding all this stuff. Or at least what I can
fit into a blog that I am trying to keep somewhat short.

I grew up eating all american pre packaged fast food, not all the time but enough to know what it did to me. Frozen pizza hot
dogs and vegetables that tasted like cardboard. I had no idea why as a kid but I had a feeling there was more to health then I
was learning though my culture. This sent me on now a 16 year journey of reading everything and anything I could get my
hands on about food, plants, herbs, medicines and drugs, and using myself as my  own test baby with many of them. I rapidly
learned that often what you see on tv or in print ( an AD ) is nothing more then something trying to convince you to buy
something. Being in the modeling industry when I was younger I did work for companies like coke etc and once realizing that
their product among with many others  aren’t going to make people healthy and often lead to the opposite .

Rather most major food companies Kraft, with is Merged with Nestle, Mcdonalads, Safeway, Heinz and so on which most
Americans view as a name brand trusted to deliver food and drink to them and there children care about nothing except making
lots of money off us. Sadly the ethics of many major food chains have gone down the toilet our food is filled with chemicals
preservatives and dyes words we don’t understand or hidden in titles like natural flavors. Sodium Nitrate can cause cancer,
Monosodium Glutamate aka MSG often causes nausea and headaches among other thing, Food Coloring some has been
known to cause thyroid cancer in rats and bladder cancer the list goes on if you look at the back of most food you get out of
safeway, walmart, etc you will often see a list of words besides sugar that you don’t understand.

My advice is if you don’t know what it is don’t eat it, this is your body would you have sex with someone you couldn’t see
didn’t know and couldn’t say there name. Food enters into your body and effects your mind body and spirit. It can heal you
and make you beautiful inside and out or it can add layers and layers of fat filled with toxins making you feel heavy taxing your
heart, lungs, kidney, liver etc leading to cancer, diabetes, and eventually often early painful expensive deaths. I personally have
watched people die those deaths and watched the body which in america has been severed from our minds give up and give in
after years of abuse often unknown to the host that they were slowly killing themselves.  Now it seems a month isn’t going by
without hearing from one person or another in my world they or there loved one have cancer, tumors, growths, and some of
these people eat “healthy” by american standards.

There are so many factors on what causes cancer, tumors, and so on, a strong body with a strong immune system can usually
keep cancer and tumors viruses bird flus swine flus at bay but I recently had my body tested by one of the most cutting edge
machines out and what is scary is according to this machine even those of us who are super healthy by american standards fall
below where we should be granted for me it may have been the lack of sleep for each night you don’t get enough sleep it
affects your immune system. I am aware of this and it is one thing I need to work on . But the problem is our world is not
what it used to be, we don’t even know if we are eating real food or something made in a lab in china. The air we are breathing
has chemicals and a million other things in it, what we bath in clean in live in all affect our body and often we are unaware till
we get a tumor or cancer then all of the sudden people start trying to be healthy sometime people can reverse the damage and
sometimes its too late.

Waiting till your sick to try to be aware of what your doing to your body by how you live and eat is not a good idea. Sadly it is
subconsciously encouraged by the many industries who all profit off your unawareness if you don’t know your food isn’t real
isn’t good for you and there are other options then you will blindly continue to buy it and support them. If you do not know
that your medicine actually in the long run causes more harm them good and you could actually resolve your “medical “
condition through changing your lifestyle and diet and what you eat you may chose not to buy it and therefore be a loss the a
pharmaceutical companies pocket. If you know that your Tied detergent may make you break out in a chemical rash ( like I
have at the moment ) or your soap is what is causing all the zits on your back or the air freshener is actually helping your kid
get asthma maybe you would change. But keeping you in the dark only believing the ads is
the point. Burry the truth deep below the surface so the masses don’t see it till its too late.

The mergers happening in the land of food are going to cause more problems for us in our future, for our choices will be
removed. The already have been without our awareness plants something that was here before monsanto and other major
corporations are now being patented which means we no longer have the rights to do as we wish with them. We believe we
live in a free country and with each passing day that becomes further and further from the truth. If they control the food and
the water they control us. For without food and water we will all die unless we all somehow can master being a breatharian .
If you care at all about your future or your children’s or their children you have to do something for if we all do nothing the
world being “created” for us is not a world in which we will be really cared for. Millions are starving because they lost all
they had to big companies who tricked them basically into a situation where they lost what they had believing they would gain
something more. Sadly it seems real ethics
have gone out the window in many major companies like monsanto . For many of the things they have done I would consider
beyond cruel to people who worked hard
there entire lives with far better ethics then monsanto.

Sadly we live in a world where the one who has the gold seems to win, even if its wrong, even if its messing with humanity
and nature. Even if its a slow war on humanity
Due to the amount of merging and lack of diversity its seen everywhere but seems extremely dangerous when major
corporations declare war on those who have been
growing our food and providing our water since the start of time. Nature is not meant to be owned, manipulated, altered. Do
we really think we are smarter then nature
we are the ones who have thrown this whole world out of balance so much so that if we do not work swiftly to regain our
own balance but also help our families the earth
and the world around us to come back into balance the lack of balance will only end in a cancer of the planet.

I became mostly an artist model in one way or another a long time ago, or working for designers I felt good about, makeup
etc, because I didn’t want to use my energy to
feed that cycle anymore then I already had and or do. I don’t want you to buy things I wouldn’t eat or drink because I look
cool, thats what they do, they hire people to make you think if you eat , drink, or use there product you will be cool. Its a
trick, it works apparently, we have a nation of consumers and really high rates of depression and suicide, not to mention
cancer, diabetes, and unhappy people.

The programs that have been burned into our brains may not be correct and we have to question and challenge all of them until
we can find the other side. If we can remember we have a choice then we do, if we forget because we are dazed by the shiny
lights and the pretty faces selling us our poison then we won’t .

After years of research I do my best to buy organic, local, fresh food and buy it from the people who grow it or as close as I
can get. On the road this becomes difficult and so then I research to find a coop or a place to eat that buys local or even better
buys local and grows there own food. When at home I go to the farmers market which if you live in the bay area and your not
you need to they rock and the food is SO much better then the stuff you can even get at rainbow or whole foods. I buy it
from the farmers, I can taste it smell it before I buy it. I can taste chemically treated food, I can smell it and my body doesn’t
like it. When in Austin shooting I forgot to tell them I only ate raw organic vegan food I just said raw vegan, I was shooting a
bit outside of the city so it wasn’t so easy to fix. I decided to eat it for a day and a half and see what happened. In
only a day and a half small bumps showed up on my face the kind that are the body trying to release toxins. When I went to
Austin to play I did research and found a place
that had raw organic food, and then in Chicago I did the same in less then three days all the bumps were gone and didn’t come
back. My body was trying to push out the
chemicals from the food. Much of the worlds “acne” problem isn’t just hormones but also the body trying to detox the
chemicals in our food, soap, clothing etc. I had the worst skin growing up. So bad agents used to advise drugs for it, which I
did, i tried all drugs, soaps, etc nothing worked. When I stopped eating anything not “organic and natural” and stopped using
anything on my face and skin that I wouldn’t eat ( and hair) except when I was shooting for I have no choice. My skin went
from horrible to now i don’t wear makeup and everyone says how beautiful it is. It wasn’t my body that was the problem it
was what I was doing to it that was the problem.

I believe you can live a happy beautiful life without being dragged down by one disorder or the other and you don’t have to be
a raw vegan that just what I feel is best for me and anyone who can do it. But you have to take control of your life and know
what your doing to your body by what you put into it and onto it. One of the most disturbing things in america is that if food is
Genetically Modified it is not “labeled” so you don’t know if your eating it or if your feeding it to your child . In other countries
it is illegal to
not say something is genetically modified and in America a first world country we have no clue what we are eating which is
utterly disturbing. Because of this fact I will go out of my way to make sure something is organic and labeled non gmo if it is
not then I won’t eat it . I will skip a meal eat a apple drink green tea but I wont eat it I don’t want to feel it coming out of my
skin or messing with my genes.

The movie above is a most see and something everyone should see I don’t care what you think you know or don’t know watch
it and share it because if we don’t do something our children may not have real food to eat. As a lover of real food and food
that taste amazing I want to do all I can to keep that food alive, which means doing it with my money, putting my money
where my mouth is. I will spend the money to support local farmers and those who provide real food, for its important for me
for you for our children and planet. Rather then buying something slightly cheaper and supporting the beast thats taking away
our rights when it comes to our food and even our body.
Nature can’t be owned.

Use your dollar to fight back and your mind to understand what is going on below the surface gloss

Jillian Ann

http://www.twitter.com/JillianAnn

Posted on: 07-7-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Journal
Page 1 of 41234»

Blog Categories

  • News
  • Journal
  • Poetry
  • Advocacy
  • Secret Pictures

Twitter

  • new studio.... new space... new songs soon... working on new remixes for a project... and rehearsing.. inbetween... http://t.co/7YUbAqYn
  • Booking Cities booking shows booking shoots its going to be a busy year ..... Super exciting
  • RT @DeepGreenFest: Don't miss Deep Green 2012 - Saturday, April 21! Feat. live music by @JillianAnn, @Indubious, @LuminariesMusic, & mor ...
  • @MMBE_UK @laurasnapes @punchrecords @cornerhousemcr Thanks for the love
  • RT @carlydmusic: Fuck yeah! Beauty and the Bass confirmed for NYC April 27th! Streets of Atlantis! @JillianAnn @carlydmusic good work @ ...
Email Me

Manager
Jean Renard
213 255 5007
moc/liamg//555dranernaej
Flickr