Advocacy

Hotel Room Diaries = Nightmares and intentions 1

Hotel Room Diaries = Nightmares and intentions

Everything seems perfect beautiful room, beautiful friends, beautiful conversations, over amazing port wines in a beautiful place. I soak in a long bath work on music and fall asleep, I wake up around three am with my heart pounding,  and lots of things passing through, I try to count sheep, I try to go back to sleep, I eventually take 10 more milligrams of melatonin and another 950 milligrams of valerian root , to attempt to shut off the signal to shut off the energy so I can sleep…

Enter dreamlandia a world which last night despite my beautiful reality was dark in my dreams I saw things, I felt things, but I could do nothing, except accept things, allow things to unfold as they may all around me, watching things unfold which on some deep level caused me to feel a sense of sadness a deep sadness one I know well one I have spent a lifetime working with one that I feel almost infects all of us to some degree until we make a stand to overcome it…

In my dreams I couldn’t tell if i was dreaming or awake slipping between worlds between times between countries between worlds, in the dream I dug into why it felt dark in the morning I woke up and went for a walk.

The snow covered mountains became my backdrop the icey cold air awoke my dream like mind due to a overdose of herbs in attempts to turn my mind off,

What makes something poison for our spirits? why do things hurt ? what is real? what is my projections? what is fear? what is the truth? what takes an act that can be healing and turn it into harming…

I reflected on this…

The only difference between sexual abuse assault and or harm and making love is the intention…..
The act is the same, but it is the intention behind it, the motivation behind it, the care and concern for another above yourself that makes the difference between harmful and healing, loving and selfish

Why do we do what we do? why do I want to sleep with someone? why do I want to consume wine? why do I want your energy or to share energy?

This is not a new subject for me,  its one I have spent years reflecting observing practicing and falling face down over…..

Once there was someone I was so attracted to the thought of not being with them was as if someone ripped out my heart and left me alone empty, I realized this was about as unhealthy as it could get because my attraction to them had nothing to do with loving them, but rather they were a photo copy of a pattern one that involved a part of me that got so hurt I was trying to fix my past through someone else, my attraction to them was to a energy that they carried that mixed with a energy I carried would mainfest a pattern which controlled me worse then any drug this pattern was a imprint that had been made when I was young this pattern had to do with me trying to earn, fix, save, heal, be good enough, deserve love, and so I was attracted to someone who recreated the pattern of me always chasing something I could never find, but yet it was stronger then any drug, any need, any healthy desire.

When I realized I had to break this or else it would control me for the rest of my life I took some extreme measures, to become aware, to become present to really question my intention on why I wanted to be with someone, to be in a relationship, to sleep with someone, and if when I really tore it apart and reduced it to the core honestly it was the pattern or anything close I would end it. no matter how much I wanted to be with someone, no matter how much I felt like I needed them…

The moment it became a desperate need for that energy exchange I knew I was back in the pattern, it wasn’t love it was my wound talking to there wound, my poison attracting their poison so together we could initially feel like we were in love, but the truth was we were just re playing a role, re creating a imprint,

I realized the ONLY way to know the difference between the attraction I felt from the poison and the attraction I felt because it was healthy and loving was time and space and awareness…

If it was the poison I would feel huge energetic drops the moment they left, the need would overwhelm everything else including my own health, balance, and work, it would be like a addiction one I couldn’t say no to, if I found myself making boundaries and breaking them in some desperate attempt to connect I knew there was more going on. I also found if its the poison causing the attraction if you don’t act on it, but give it around a year to just be without indulging in blending energy fields it will become very clear if its healthy or if its based on repeating patterns that keep us stuck in energetic cycles that often lead to nuclear explosions and heart breaks…

If it was healthy

I may never feel the need so intensely     I would destroy my own boundaries over it, usually it felt stable, balanced, safe, easy, peaceful,  that vibration was hard to adjust to I was used to be attracted to people who recreated the pattern, who would leave, who were not fully present, who didn’t even know me really, much love me, but yet it felt like LOVE for a few months till the reality sunk in and I realized they were not lifting me up but I was on a roller coaster that was dropping me down more and more because of the constant distraction it provided my heart and mind from actually doing the work and or accomplishing anything but healthy…

Healthy sometimes felt boring, but I realized I have a choice now

Healthy allows me to focus my energy on creating, on doing the work, on evolving, on expanding, on growing rather then constantly working to keep my head above water because overtime the pattern is recreated it drops me ten thousand feet into the depths of the ocean and leaves me there…..until i swim back to shore…..

and it requires me to stand back
to pull away
to pull in
to pull back

and really look into my own intention
into my own choices
into my own heart

if I am not present, If I am not connected
if there is no peace
then I have to really seek why I am doing it, and if I am doing it out of the intention to love and grow or the intention of trying to fix something in my past…

I know I cant go back through someone else to heal a situation with another person from a long time ago
just like I know I cant find my father through a lover
or heal the wounds from rape from allowing someone to use me in a similar way to ease the pain for a moment….

and so the only difference between what becomes poison and what becomes healing is intention
not only regarding oneself but also the other

love puts anothers needs ahead of desires and wants

abuse is a extreme of not caring about another more then your own desire

rape is the extreme of that on steroids when someone cares nothing for the one they are taking from

but that energy can be subtle and its sneaky….and so often it takes time and space to really see whats going on

without that its easy to repeat patterns unaware

and now back to the snow

Posted on: 01-11-2012
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

protest – blue notes – from the <3 0

protest

I need to write I understand what I am about to write about may not all be sunshine and hearts but its real and I feel I need to do something with it because keeping it all inside is starting to burst at the seems…

I understand nothing has changed we are in the same cycle as before, but what I am seeing and have experienced in this area causes me concern. I lost my best friend shortly after the patriot act was passed he was framed arrested and killed before i could do anything about it . I saw up close and personally what happens when someone is “marked” or “put on the list” he was a artist and activist he was nothing more he wasn’t a threat to anyone or anything the only thing he did wrong was have an opinion .

A week before he was killed I had a dream it was the most intense dream I ever had something came into my dream it was half human half droid it shot me in the arm with something and said you will be silenced, and then I woke up, but when I woke up I couldn’t stay conscious I kept passing out, eventually it passed exactly a week later my best friend who was the one person I talked to everyday was gone…

I stayed away from politics ever since, there was much I wanted to say and express, for having your best friend and family taken away when they were innocent by some strange silent in the night stranger is enough to make you think twice. Since then I have been aware we all die, and death isn’t the end so I am not afraid of it, but to say I don’t have a hard time with some of the things going on in this world would be a lie.

I have a hard time with people being killed for no reason other then maybe disagreeing, i have a hard time with religions who outcast others due to what they believe, I have a hard time with people who say they love you unconditionally but then when you don’t follow there system cut you off, its challenging to process it all sometimes and to try to find an understanding on why people behave in such a way….

to kill anyone is a thought that makes me sad, I feel bad for letting someone down, much less to actually hurt someone, but to kill someone for not reason other then them disagreeing and yet we do it all the time…our country does it, we do it in our thoughts, we do it over religion, sex, color, class, the separation and division fueled by fear keeps us stuck in this cycle one that I feel if we don’t break will just lead humanity through the same rising and falling we have experienced so many times….

I went to the protest, because my friends were there and I live down the street, and what I saw left me with the feeling I had before 911 the feeling I had before the earthquake in Japan, the feeling that something is happening here which will lead to an energetic shift which if not met with an equal one of love hope art and alternative paths could tip a very delicate balance thats already on edge over…….

Watching the police state versus the people I felt a deep sadness, to see the police without emotion, as if their hearts had been trained out of them, to see most of the protesters be peaceful but others full of anger, from years of suppression and pain, to see them face to face was like being at the center of a battle field, and the only thing i knew how to do was to walk in-between the police and the protesters doing everything I could to prevent that one strike which could have set the whole thing mad. The air was as thick as a knife, as the police pushed everyone out and then away, and I already know what will happen next, at the next protest there will be more police, and more will be filed and put in jail, if anyone starts anything violent it will turn mad, and sadly with the intensity this world is going through I feel its only time before it gets worse… unless we do something to shift it….

how can we fix it ? how can we end the violence ? how can we not all be but pawns in some other persons game ?

i don’t want to lose another friend to that energy,

I feel personally even though I care about whats going on out there and it breaks my heart to see and be aware of many of the injustices in our world that the best thing I can do is focus on art and music and finding solutions to help resolve some of the suffering….

To help find ways to connect the dots so more people can eat, more people can survive, more people can feel loved and happy, in hopes that by mending and melting enough hearts eventually war will no longer be needed…

and so I work …in this attempt to use everything I have an am to try to turn just one heart away from that energy, from becoming willing

to stand and look another human in the eye

and not feel

and not see

and not connect

to the heart and soul within…

for what I saw with the thousands of police in riot gear was that, the empty eyes of those trained to harm or to kill if needed there own family over an idea…..

the ONLY way I know of to stop a war before it happens is to REACH their HEARTS

and WE can do that with love capsulated however we can find ways to capsulate it and get it inside of the hearts of as many as possible

for to me the battle is in the heart and soul of every being
and the battle is not about money or power or countries
but about them remembering

love, how to love and that we are all one….

to kill one is to kill oneself

and so the only thing I know how to do now with all I feel and see

is to try to take as much love as I can and wrap it in bullets of sound picture films and get it

into as many hearts as possible

so when we are faced with that choice to love or hate
to kill or heal

we wont forget

who we really are and what really matters…..

and so with this

I send my love

to everyone

even the ones who have killed those i loved

Posted on: 12-9-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

My Behind the Scenes from Occupy Los Angeles Raid – Nov 2011 0

Posted on: 12-1-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, News

code 4

 

 

 

 

Do you see the program

Its inside your mind

Keeping you captive to a game

you never wanted to play

how do you create

your own game

first find the program

second rewrite it

with your own code

create your own program

code your own game

rewire un- wire

they taught me I couldn’t dream awake

why  would they teach such a thing

they taught me love was but a comoddity

a way to buy eternity

who are they

was the program written by those

who are dead for I only see

whats living in front of me

strip down the code

restructure the program

start in the  mind

with each thought

which brings forth a reality

in order to take back your mind

you have to know it is you

so much is programs

we didn’t chose

we are not machines

we have the capacity

to re-write our own code

re structure our own dna

each thought alters

each cell which alters

our entire being

what is within

is without

so as above

is below

write your own code

 

 

Posted on: 11-8-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog, Poetry

For Something 1

Occupy ? anonymous ? change ?

When anonymous first showed up I like many was inspired and still am I posted it and shared it with lots of people getting everything from I was supporting terrorist to hate mail in response.

I decided to drill in, and I did, due to the nature of all of this much of what I learned I have kept to myself but the major issue was not all anonymous is anonymous some of it is actually people trying to destroy all the good there.  Considering its anonymous well its hard to know who is really  behind it. anonymous started the encouragement for all of us to protest and gave instructions on how to Occupy this and that.

I have friends who are bankers who run hedge firms who sell and trade companies who work in gas oil electricity I went to them so what do you think? how do you feel ?

Everyone I know in the highest levels of the system says there is issues, but the question is how do we fix them ? many of the people higher up say great its broken people are upset people are starving but the reality is it isn’t all the banks, its not all the bankers just cause someone works on wallstreet doesn’t make them evil. There is corruption there is deception but most of it is worse then we even want to see or admit to…

Those who are sphere heading most of the things which are REALLY hurting us won’t give a fuck if your on wallstreet you could live there for the rest of your life on occupy and unless you can convince there children or wife to care and go to them well they will just ignore you and continue to make deals which make millions vanish into bank accounts of the chosen.

But lets face it some of this is OUR fault its sooo much easier to blame someone else, the banks, the government, the system, rather then look at our own lives and say what could we change.  And if we are going to go to the bank and to the government to the system we better have a plan, or else they will bring out big foot and lots of people will end up dead or injured  defeated and depressed and guess what NOTHING in the system will have changed.

But how many of us bought a house WE knew we couldn’t afford ? how many of us spend money we don’t have? how many of us buy into this american dream on some level then when we realize we are in over our heads we need to blame someone else when the reality is we are just as anyone else.  I support all those who are out at Occupy , but what if you spent all your time there putting your heads together, making a plan, doing research on the system and how it works, and then offered everyone including yourself a new road map.

One of my wallstreet friends said I want to see people standing FOR something… and then expressed how against all this is pretty negative and isn’t really changing anything and you know what……

I agree what if we stand for something like honesty from our politicians, truth in our media, transparency with where our money goes,  what if we work with the banks with the government and try to shift things by offering a path a way of life a heart to heart connection by being strong by showing another way by setting a example ?

I remember living in SF the tangents I would hear about the PIGS , I would never call a police man a PIG or treat them as my enemy at the end of the day most of them are people who became police thinking it was a way to help and I find when I treat them as humans just like me just like my banker friends just like everyone then all of the sudden we can learn and grow and work together.  But I would be the first one to go to them when they come to bust parties and or in any situation mainly because I found when I approach them with reason then they respond with reason.

Example me and my old band were playing a rave in northern ca all of the sudden the police came , everyone of course was concerned for clear reason, i went out I was sober and went right up to them before they came in, it turns out we were on private land government land, and they could have arrested and charged everyone of us with trespassing,  I looked them dead in the eyes  ” look we can’t have the kids leave or panic it would be very bad, NO one here should drive ” they looked at me and reminded me everything we were doing was illegal I said I understand but this is about safety.  I negotiated they agreed to not bring in the storm troopers we shut off the music and then I said look I have friends here who’s visas may not be valid, they informed me in case another division showed up ( aka federal etc ) cause we were on government land they should go.

Most people are open to a conversation when you treat them like people and your educated about your cause and the reality of it . But to make things us against them without solutions will only lead us chasing our tail till someone brings out the big foot .

We need solutions we have enough problems and from my perspective be it what its worth I spend my time making friends and talking to those in the system as well as outside about how we can find them bring them together and make change not by separation but by fusing the worlds, bring me your visionary answers bring me a way to make all of this work bring me the solutions and if I have my set of keys I ‘ll open the door to those who can turn them and shift things, but show me a way to fix thing, stand for something, bring me a plan….

Invent a solution, find a way to heal things, find a way to create a better reality, then find people like me or others who run in a few worlds , but throwing stones at the castle will only piss off the knights

Invade the castle
become the kings dream advisor
and change it inside out

be smarter, faster, more focused have a sharper razor then those you want to see change and you will create that change….

I don’t think division serves us nor do I think not seeing the reality that without a plan we will only create a new kind of chaos
get rid the banks and government and lets see how long it takes us to have the same problems that come with that everytime it happens
when the mafia and drug lords the warlords and extremist come out to play
look at every other country when there government gets dismantled shall I list examples on what happens?

Why not work with them? I find everyone I was told was a evil snake man often is really reasonable when I meet them and open to ideas more so if it is more effective more eco friendly, I feel everyone knows we need change but

How ? and what is that change?

Put your minds together and map the plan then go fight to get it seen heard and into reality

going to war without a plan is just a way to get massacred

For something
Together
with a plan

<3

Posted on: 10-28-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

What is Beauty 1


Over the last two days I was being paid put up in a hotel given my coffee and making money to spend time stare at reflect on and be in one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. As I took in the beauty all around I realized I was being paid to hang out in places which most people spend a whole year working in order to go to on vacation. I realized that most of my life is actually spent in places most people only dream of being going exploring, Bali, Festivals, BurningMan, Paris, London,  Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, the far away beaches and hidden forrest the magical places I get to go to and hang out for my “work”

I am very blessed with a magical beautiful overflowing with art music and beautiful people in my life its so inspiring it gives me insomnia cause I often think of all i could be creating or doing rather then sleeping. I am thankful for everything that has come to be in this place I call home for now.

I don’t like the word work, In fact I have never seen it as work, and will be the first one to say I never had a real job. Well except briefly in Atlanta as a 17 yearold runaway I bartender but that hardly counted, i got to listen to music and serve people drinks and talk it was “fun” . My life is unique but I created it to be that way because to me what was important and always has been important was to create beauty, to become beauty, to share beauty, to inspire and be inspired. I never cared much about money as long as I had enough to continue creating and evolving I love what I do and always have. I love writing songs, I love singing, I love Dj’ing, I love performing live, I LOVE music, I love people, I love making pictures as a model, muse or photographer, and I love being a part of films. I love making websites I love writing, I love connecting with people, I love traveling, exploring growing and learning. Every encounter every show every experience causes me to grow richer and deeper in love inspiration and experience. It is why I have no issue never stopping because I love what i do, I love the challenges I love the never ending ability to grow and evolve in my creation connections and process.
What is Beauty and some of the Keys I have found to unlock it

I am sharing this I get letters, emails, people ask me about things so I had a download I should share this so I will.

First it all started when I was very young, I was looking in the mirror and watched as my body and face would transform, then I started noticing it in pictures, I could see my energy shifting altering in pictures, what I was feeling or thinking was coming across. Then I went deeper, I am nothing but energy, i am not solid I am not my body my body is a extension of my spirit, it is but energy. If it is but energy then how I live what I put in my body be it food, or through my mind will come out. I will become what I think what I eat what I believe. I was so young when I had this awareness I was still a child.

I looked around me and saw lots of sad people who’s sadness and energy from there spirit had turned them ugly, layers of fat holding in mass emotions, fears, skin destroyed by what they put inside how they felt inside, then I noticed their energy they felt different, they felt like they were about to break, I felt lots of anger, pain, sadness, apathy, I felt violence, self destruction I felt it like a force . I called it the nothing in my mind, I grew up in the middle of nowhere america and the “nothing” seemed to consume people and their beauty there, it was everywhere I would watch people start to get lost, I could see it, the light would go away, they wouldn’t shine, they became part of this energy and it destroyed them it consumed them. Until all that was left was the need to try to consume to feed, but they were no longer feeding themselves they were feeding the nothing, and peoples lights got dimmer, and they would turn to religion, to addictions, to fantasies, to pills, violence, anything to numb the fear to numb the pain and the more they numbed it the stronger the nothing got till it eventually seemed to kill many. They were still alive, but became what I call the sleepwalkers, they aren’t there and then if something comes in that is shiny they all stop and stare, they all stop and sometimes they hate on it, cause it reminds them of themselves and their own potential , sometimes they want to consume it, sometimes they want to kill it but they always would stop and stare. .. I could feel them and they are still beautiful magnificent amazing spirits and beings under the suite of nothingness consuming them as they consume. They are still in there, but the nothing has a hold on them…

When I leave the big cities which tend to attract the shiny people, and go into places to shoot I walk in places and everyone stares,  I feel them all , I feel their stares, I feel them and its good, for in that moment they feel something they see something. A women asked if she could take a picture, she was so shy, then I said yes of course and then she was so excited, she showed all her friends, and I felt her smile, and I was happy , for she captured something which inspired her.  Many people see “modeling” as some trite some empty shallow way of making money, I saw modeling as a way to create share and capture beauty. I have tended to work with artist for the reason they care more about capturing beauty, and creating things which inspire. I don’t model to be famous, I never cared, and turned down lots of chances to be on TV just because I didn’t feel it was about capturing humanity in all is light and beauty for the purpose of inspiring people. I would rather make music, dj, sing, and model for those who do it for the purpose of creating beauty then to sell the nothingness with sexy appeal. I want to sell something else I want to sell a reminder of who we all are and what we are all capable of not work to sell a product which will give your soul cancer.

On Being Beautiful

Its about being beautiful naked

We fall in love and often end up naked in bed sharing that, in the end no man or women has wanted to love me has become my best friend or loved me because of the clothing I wore or because of the makeup on my face in fact most liked me the most stripped down inside out without the clothing, the makeup , with nothing but me.  I feel in order to love and be loved, to be beautiful and feel beautiful you have to start naked.  Beauty isn’t about clothing or makeup beauty is about something we can’t even put into words but know it when we see it. If your not happy or in love with yourself naked without all the fluff and fanfare how can you expect anyone else to see or love you ? to want to bask in your beauty? to want to kiss you all over your skin till they find your soul.  Feeling beautiful naked is challenging, even for me, even now, I still have moments or days where I remember the imprints when the programs come back. When I was younger I was told by others I was ugly, fat, useless, I was made fun of abused and those words became little programs which from time to time try to come steal my beauty and bliss. Those programs come from the nothing and want to kill me destroy my light and steal my beauty, so I fight it,  My first line of defense is beauty is not about how tiny my body is, not about how pretty my skin is, beauty is MY spirit manifest in this place I call a body, and my BEING is a extension of that spirit. If I am love and full of love and love myself and nurture my soul with what inspires me then I will become that which inspires.  If I first and foremost am not my own best lover then how can I ever give to anyone else.  If i do not love and or appreciate the beauty inside out within me how can I share, how can I give, how can I even be authentic ? if I do not love and respect and honor myself then I become like the nothing and the acts of love are about consuming not “sharing” sharing is inspiring, consuming is draining.
On days I don’t feel so beautiful I become my own best lover, I listen to my spirit and ask what it needs, often its sleep, beautiful music, calling a loved one, basking in the sun, dancing, making love to myself, dreaming, just soaking in the never ending supply of beauty and love thats all around me all the time. Now the program doesn’t have a chance on kicking me down, it used to, now it may try but I fight back quickly and get back into a place where I feel that beautiful energy all around again. I always reflect on why it happened what I can learn and so on. But I feel much of it is just the program of the nothing, one we can chose to follow and give our beauty to, or we can choose to overcome and shine bright on our own as the magnificent creatures we are.

We become what we CONSUME

When I was young I realized everything affected me, sound, smell, people, places, animals, nature, music, food, everything changed my energy slightly if i consumed it. Books, media, tv, the internet, everything I took in, mentally emotionally spiritually altered my energy slightly. Because I was just energy and it was just energy by PAYING attention to it I was feeding it or it was feeding me.  I realized this very young and would run away from things which didn’t inspire me, didn’t make me feel good. I was a freak kids would try to get me to watch things, listen to things I would feel them and if they didn’t feel good I would run away, i would turn away I would leave. I would TAKE my energy BACK.  The more I tuned in the more I realized what inspired me and what made me feel drained.

I believe EVERYTHING we consume becomes part of US

If I want to be beautiful its about keeping the channel clear, keeping my heart open, keeping my energy alive keeping my spirit connected.  So I personally make choices not to consume things which I do not want to be like or to be part of me. I have consumed things in the past  be it food, relationships, projects, art, media, connections that didn’t inspire me or feed me, that made me feel drained or took something into the nothingness and I have learned. A BLACK hole will always be a black hole and so many of us waste so much of our energy and or life in them or around them. The nothingness is a black hole, so is to me media, drugs, sex, relationships, and so on if it is not inspiring nurturing on a soul level. If you can’t feel the difference it means to me the nothing has you in sleepwalking mode and once you wake up you’ll feel it and it doesn’t always feel very good. When it feels incorrect or me it feels really incorrect . Its not about sex, or drugs or food or media for I feel all of those things can be used to bring more beauty, inspiration, love and nurturing into your life, but its rather about the energy and intention within WHAT YOU consume and WHY YOU consume it.

I apply this to everything, I always try to eat the highest quality food with the highest vibration, created and brought to me and into this world with the most love and care possible. I don’t eat food that to me comes from the nothing, as much as possible to the degree I carry my food with me often when traveling into places where people don’t understand the difference yet. If I have to eat food I feel isn’t made with love and isn’t as pure as possible I will but try to bless it with the intention of love. I feel we have lost touch with our food, with our planet with what we eat and where it comes from. I feel by being aware of your food and where is comes from its the first step to changing some of the mass cruelty and destruction happening on our planet to our planet and to our animals. When plants or animals live in fear and suffering during there whole life until it you eat it, you are eating fear and suffering you are eating the energy of the nothing. When you eat it part of it becomes part of you, and the lack of awareness to me is shocking, I have watched and read hundreds of things in my lifetime on food, animals, food, the planet and what we are doing and or have done to it. Where our food comes from what happened and how we got it.

Too be continued … Tomorrow

 

Posted on: 10-14-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

Occupy Wall Street – Media for the people by the People 0

Please watch all of these
my friend made them somewhat due to lack of media coverage, he is there on the streets making these with his crew from
Grounded Tv Please watch and share if anyone else has media from actually being there please feel free to send and I will add it to the media for the people by the people.



Posted on: 10-7-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

Fan Question – Regarding My Diet – Vegan ? Fish? Protein and my thoughts 0

Hi Jillian –

I’m a longtime fan and I’m hoping to get to see one of your shows in the near future!

I read in a recent interview you did that you are raw vegan and eat mostly greens and protein.  I’m also raw vegan and live on tons of greens and veggie juices but am wondering about your protein source because I’m kind of lacking in that department.  I’m all veggies (which I know have some protein, but still…), fruits and fats.  Do you use Sun Warrior Protein Powder?

Thank you so much for any guidance you are able to provide!

(fan)

(me)
I am going to respond to this in a blog and keep it as short as possible. I was completely raw vegan for a long time and although would still consider myself 90 percent raw vegan in the 10 percent I have altered my diet to include when my body craves it wild alaskan salmon and eggs ( veggie feed free range ) and quinoa in small amounts when my body craves it.  I am very aware of the life that passed in order to eat it and feel you must be aware of the energetic state. Although I have a issue in many ways with eating any animal I also have a health condition which without small amounts of fish and eggs I tend to not be able to stay healthy and or avoid anemia . But I try to think of it the way and in honor to the native americans who understood the cycle and the spiritual levels to eating or killing a animal. We are so far removed from the actually process of killing a animal to eat it, and so many of us do not connect the dots and or the intensity of it. I feel due to that we have become very removed from our spirit as well as the animals spirit.  If you had to actually kill the fish or take the eggs from the mother you would be aware and more thankful for the food, many of us take it all for granted because we just go to whole foods and buy it, disconnected from its actual source. I feel its important to be thankful, and to eat it only when needed and only as much as needed. Or I feel energetically the disconnect could be harmful.

If you decide not to eat any grain, fish or eggs

Then I recommend eating sprouts, seeds ( soaked) nuts ( soaked ) chia seeds , avocados , seaweed, and if you like the raw vegan protein powders use that as well. I do not eat much protein and haven’t for years not compared to the “typical” chart, I eat between 8-16 grams a day on the high end. Yet my blood work both from microscopy as well as normal western blood work in the last few years has shown up as very clean and some of the healthiest results they have seen.  I feel we do not need to worry that much about protein if we were living with nature we wouldn’t be eating animals most likely everyday. I feel eating a diet high in vegetables, fruits and good oils ( coconut and olive oil ) is ideal. Ninty Percent of my diet is either vegetables fruits spices and good oils only about ten percent is protein I get it either from seeds, nuts, sprouts, seaweed or sometimes an egg and some fish here and there.  I only eat eggs or fish when I crave it which is usually after an injury , a period of time every month ( became of loss of blood) or after really physically being pushed.  I try to only eat them from the most humane source possible. I wish I had a farm so I could be more part of the cycle but since not I try to just get them from the most ethical source possible. If you have local farmers you could connect with it is always best. The more local and the more connected to the source I feel the better it is for us.

I feel like you should listen to your body and follow it intuitively, don’t be afraid of a little eggs or fish just be careful of the source and the intention. But I feel there is a protein scare, I personal never ate that much and never seem to suffer from it . I would just listen to your body and eat what it craves and what makes you feel balanced. The body is amazingly intelligent we just have to reconnect and listen .

I would advise watching this, although it was enough to make me never want to eat or wear animal again, its hard to watch but I think its important to be educated and aware of what is going on. If you chose to eat fish or eggs, or not. I feel being aware even if its painful of where we are getting our products is important because through what we consume we can change the process. If we demand to only consume things treated with respect and awareness not only to our instant gratification but as well as awareness of the connection to the animal, the planet and the connection between all of us. I feel its vital for us to make a shift to be educated aware and use our time energy and money to support things which not only make us feel healthier and better but also are not harmful to others or the planet. This of course isnt the easiest task in this world even many of the products in whole foods are not so animal or planet friendly. I feel its very important for us to do the most we can, be as educated as we can. I try to drink out of my glass bottle, and buy the most local most ethical products I can afford, I am far from perfect but am very aware that my time energy and dollars feed someone harm something and can help shift others but its up to me to be educated and informed and make choices from that space.

This is a movie to watch even if your going to eat meat I feel its very important for us to know where our food comes from. So we can make educated choices, I try to avoid eating animal products unless I feel its needed for healing and health and then I try to bless it be aware of it and make the most educated choice possible.

http://www.earthlings.com/


Make the Connection. EARTHLINGS.com

Posted on: 09-14-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog

Soul Retrieval – Trauma – The Things some people never talk about 0

A long time ago I made a choice, things are only dark as long as there is no light on them. If something was dark and I drug it to the light the light would hit it and it would shatter into the light and the darkness would vanish .

It was late, I had a intense day ,  I had been trying to come to a understanding with someone close to me, for from their perspective what I do have done and continue to do causes them harm, but it is due to the fact they believe in things I do not believe in, I do not believe my music, my art or my message is a sin or against the divine.  When I was a child I would try to do as I was told to be a good girl but even then I realized that if someone wont love me unless I fit into their box they can’t love me, thats not love thats about control. Often abusive patterns arise out of that type of nature. We all hear the stories of the priest molesting the children, I have my stories, my friends have theirs I heard and experienced enough in these areas that by the time I was a teenager my heart knew something was wrong and I had to get out and get out alive.

I did I left because I knew that if I didn’t I wasn’t going to ever make it out.  Leaving was the hardest choice but you know your actually starting to know what love is when your capable of walking about and saying no more, to protect yourself. That was a long time ago, and I’ve tried since to build a bridge back without accepting things which aren’t mine.  To accept or embrace the anger or unkind words , to bend over in hopes of being loved would be to return to a world in which love is preached but not acted upon.  Letters were sent phone calls were made I kept a firm foot in the stand.

I love you but I don’t agree, I love you but I am not hurting you or making you angry, whats hurting you and making you angry is your perspective you can’t see me , because I don’t fit into the box you made me. I am not going to ever fit in that box and I would hope you could love and accept me as me for I love and accept you as you even though I don’t agree with your perspective and chances are never will but we are all different and thats ok.  What was returned caused me to pause and reflect in that I realized …..

Abuse takes many faces and forms often we don’t even see it , I grew up with lots of it around me, it was this thing I didn’t believe I deserved deep down and didn’t believe was right to do to another . Abuse has so many faces but its a energy one I know well, one I’ve been working with my whole life because I was born into a cycle of it and was determined to end it. The first thing you have to realize about abuse is you have to be willing to see it. Most people want to deny it, hide it, because there ashamed , but by doing this the cycle the energy only grows stronger. For years I was afraid to tell anyone what happened or was happening then I made my first soul connection, and he got it all out of me, he was my best friend the only person I ever trusted and to this day he never ever did anything that was abusive… People like him became proof to me this didn’t have to be my life.

Abuse is tricky I am fairly attuned to energy some of it came from a survival need If I felt the shifts in someones energy I could get out run away hide before they turned into the monster or as I used to call it the time bomb as a kid. I became so aware of subtle shifts because it was the only way I could protect myself.  But most abusers were abused, if someone beats you chances are they were beat, most rapist and sex offenders have some sort of sexually abusive past or were hurt by one to many women turning them into sadist in the extremes, or they are people who suppress their natural sexual expression till they lose it and turn into a animal which views children or young teens as easier prey more so if they need it to be kept a secret.

I didn’t like secrets, because I found if someone wanted me to hide chances are it was not good for me, it was one of the things that drove me to my openness , I don’t want to keep it in the dark, drag it to the light, drag it to the light. I didn’t want to live a lie outside and another inside, the white picket fence, where children get beat inside then you go to church and act like the perfect happy family.

In the studio he looked at me, sing the song like your singing it to yourself….

The entire room shifted,  I didn’t think of it when I wrote it like that,  but he was right, but that was far more intense then singing it to strangers to the children out there who may currently be in abusive, be it sexual emotional or physical situations feed by the mass deception religion etc,   which was intense as it was but wait …oh boy…

There are days I wonder what life would have been like without all the intense years of trauma, memories so intense I for a long time forgot years of my life, I couldn’t go back, I knew it was there but when it had happened I had left , my soul had gone away, or some of it, i had lots of blackouts, sometimes it still happens, but when I was younger it happened all the time, now after years of studying healing in various forms I understand some of that was self protection survival. Just like the body shuts off at a x point of pain, when people are abused especially sexual abuse as children it creates some pretty intense things to work through, sadly if not worked with and through the chances of the abused continuing that cycle of energy are high. I realized if I could figure it out for myself I could help all my friends and others.  How do you transform that energy? how to reconnect the soul body mind ? how do I undo  what was done ? how to I release and express the energy without causing harm.

I couldn’t stop the tears, there are days I wish I could go back and take the little girl and bring her here now, I am known amongst as my friends as the one who will give you anything but if you harm my friends or loved ones I will not be passive.  It comes from making a choice to be loving but to do everything i can to protect others who need protection. But it comes from learning what it feels like to have no one and no protection.

I had drawn a line in the sand ” I love you but if you can’t accept me and respect me as I am and or have anything to share without the anger please don’t contact me again”

That was hard to say, and sometimes inside snapped like a band that had been wrapped around something.  Its hard when you love people, to walk away to put lines in the sand. But once upon a time in a New York loft a women said to me ” if you continue to allow them to cause you harm then you are part of that cycle “

I’ve had to leave lots of situations because I believe in that, it doesn’t mean I don’t love them it just means if I can’t resolve the conflict, end the abusive pattern, then if the only way to end the cycle of violence or harm is to leave then I will go.  Its funny cause over the years it has been one of the transformational energies I have worked with, when your willing to just lose everything and walk, its a powerful force, I try not to get to close to people i feel that energy in now, intensity is fine, but there is line, my friends and I are all intense but all of us are aware and use it for productive things like art running creating not harming others. But my friends and I know how to use words like I am sorry, Will you forgive me, and your right, I messed up.

Being willing to admit our process is so important in healing, I still feel intense sometimes, I have worked to find ways to use it, not take it out on someone else. I understand much of it is energy I can use for good if I just channel it.  The upside of that intensity is powerful is channeled in a new positive direction.

Then on the way home I had the flash, go back and get your pieces , go back and find all the shattered parts you left there cause they were too painful to deal with your strong enough now,I got a full download of how to do it, driving home I thought ok, well things come up for a reason,  At home I prepared the space , then went online to see if my download matched the internet it did, thats when you know everything is basically already connected from within, I like to use the internet to verify ;)

Then I went back, I found myself in places I had forgotten or chose to forget, I was always seen as sexy even as a child and young teen and things happened, things I didn’t understand things which made me fear men for a long time, things that seemed like bad dreams.  I went back looked for me found me and brought it back, I kept going through time and space to those places I had split off, I had turned off, to find what I may have left behind.

I am taking this back now, its mine I am not giving my power away and your not taking it anymore thank you very much may you walk in peace,  through all the places I had feared, I felt things move inside of me, we store memories in our body, I knew that despite the fact I am a happy healthy person there have been things locked away that at some point would come out and up so they could be healed and transformed.

I realized I can put it all back, I can heal it all, I don’t have to give my power away,  and I don’t need to be upset or angry, just go back collect what was left behind.

I am going to be spending a week with my best friend who has been studying shamnism for 10 + years , its perfect timing,  she and I have been working together for the last year and she had said  this time would come, it did, i wanted it to, I know I couldn’t leave parts of me shattered in the past  I was trying to figure out why I kept going back there in stories in sharing in wanting to go back. Then I realized it was because there was something I wanted to find to take back to reclaim.

Things happen to us, things we can’t control we can’t stop a loved one from being abusive toward us, someone from raping us or harming us, but we can not repeat the cycle we can clear the energy and transform it, and with that we can keep our hearts and souls connected and full of love . But sometimes if it happened when you were a child or unaware of what was happening you have to go back and find the parts you lost, its a process that can be painful for often as children or young people we split, because we don’t know how to process the pain and or the trauma, to go back is to process it, to intergrate it, to allow it to become part of you, so your here and present, and then work with the energy inside out.  If not you just are left half connected and often have a hard time being present. With life with love with yourself.  If you get stuck in a repeat cycle or keep going back to places in time chances are there is part of your soul path needing some attention.  If you ignore it your life will just continue to attract the very energy you were trying to escape the first time.

I often compare it to this, if your a dolphin and you get attacked by a shark and you escape but your still bleeding and wounded your just going to continue to attract the sharks and chances of you being eaten are high. If you get attacked by a shark your not going to accomplish anything by turning into a shark, or fearing the shark, but healing the wound so your not sending out a sign to the sharks saying here i am wounded you can eat me is the only way I have found to stop attracting the sharks.

I read this it was helpful

http://www.shamanlinks.net/Soul_Retrieval.htm

 

I have to go back to the studio and go back to that place, fusing everything together, with music …

Your safe now…

I am .. its taken me a long time to feel safe, with myself was the first place, and with animals, now i have lots of people around me I trust I feel safe with, it doesn’t mean sometimes I don’t have stuff come up, in fact sometimes feeling safe brings up things I forgot about….

I feel asleep on the couch in the studio I woke up, and felt a huge wave of emotion, where did it come from, because  I felt like I was home, I was with a family, and I was safe, by feeling that it opened a part I may have left closed off for awhile, I accept and embrace these waves for I know as long as I am feeling as long as I am connected as long as I still have a heart I am here, and being here is the most important part…

I hope one day to not have to go back anymore and just be here but sometimes you have to go back in order to be fully here… and its ok its all part of the process

<3

 

Posted on: 08-21-2011
Posted in: Advocacy

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Posted on: 08-19-2011
Posted in: Advocacy, Blog, Journal
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