The rules , there were so many of them most of them did not make sense to me . More then half of them went against my nature, and so then I was taught it was sin …
I found if I didn’t behave , dress, eat, love, worship, work, do as they wanted the energy would shift I can always feel that shift and then the very ones you think love you who you feel safe with who you trust turn to you and say or act in such a way that send the message…
yours bad, wrong, evil, dark, its not ok, right, your not good, your not doing what your suppossed to…
It could be about politics, sex, religion, my clothing, what I eat for dinner, what I did or didn’t do and I remember everytime it happened part of me would sink to the floor…
….. but wait this means you don’t really love me and you never really did? or your love was based on conditions on rules you created without even telling me i had to follow them to be loved……..
Then I would retreat into my art, into the woods , into books paper music, I would try to find the other people like me… I wanted to run away to the land of misfits because the non misfits never seemed to want or love me anyways and so I wanted to escape that world which felt cold and limited a exsistence lived walking on egg shells…
I left it all, I left with nothing to find my family to find myself, to find a world in which people could love me for me, accept me as me and not just cut me off or judge me when I do something they view as wrong… To me the only thing that matters in this world is love, and the only way to love someone is to love them regardless of if they lose it sometimes,if they fall , if they get high, if they fall apart, if they make a mistake, if they believe in god or worship the moon, to love someone is to love them in all of there evolutions transformation and realizations anything is not love and yet is what is sold as love everyday to humanity through religion, through even spiritual dogmatic thought, through fear breeding seperation and division…
I roamed the earth and now and then I would met people who I connected to a soul level and I usually would try to scare them off right away by not hiding anything just to see if they lived what they preached, if you say your a warrior for love and I show you my shadow and you want to wipe me out of your life then you cant ever love me anyways we all have a shadow side, we all have our traumas and our wounds, we all have our breakdowns and if we cant love and fight for each other in the breakdown then well its not love, its like a drug and when its good your there and when its not a high your gone and that to me is not love its something else…..
I found some people here and there, who would watch the shadow dance and be there in the breakdown and then almost as if they cast some magic spell I never needed to go there again i knew if they could handle the dark they could handle the light. Some people become very judgemental the moment they are challenged at a soul level and all of the sudden i would be reduced to dark, bad, wrong, or evil, rather then them realizing typically the only thing that bothers us about someone else is something within ourselves…
Those I found I kept because they didn’t just abandon me or stop caring about love the moment a storm came, and the rest I try to love regardless of how sometimes hard it is to reach out over and over trying to bridge the gap between hearts and keep the love and support alive…..
Then I found myself in a land of misfits and orphans but in this world magic would happen, sometimes because when your a misfit or a orphan all you have left is your dreams creativity and heart, and I realized those who came from that land often understood and were more sensitive to the importance of loving someone and supporting them even when you disagree, even when you had a fight, even when you are uncomfortable…. maybe its easier to love when you already lost it all, maybe its easier to forgive when you had to just in order to not kill yourself or others, maybe its easier to have compassion when you see how much pain and suffering comes from lack of compassion…..
I like the land of the misfits and orphans
somedays on holidays part of me feels a little loss, I try to communicate through the differences i have had and have with those i love, I write endless emails trying to bridge the gap, I have made efforts to communicate despite the different perspectives on politics, religion, sex, love, and when I reach out and can’t connect back at the heart with those I love who can’t love or see me, sometimes its challenging for me to just let go and on holidays sometimes I stare at the phone hopping this time
they will call, they will write, they will respond and we can live happily ever after able to love each other despite all of our differences and when silence is the only response there is a moment when my heart sometimes pushes against my body and I have to go walk in the starlight and remind myself were all one, were all connected and my only responsibility is to keep sending them love over the airwaves and NEVER let the hurt or pain the fear or loss turn into anger for then I can become like so many slicing off each others heads out of fear due to misunderstanding, miscommunication, or differences and its hard sometimes… it seems it would be easier not to care, its not easy to care and know all you can do is love them from afar even if they may see you as bad, unworthy, unlovable, forever ….but my other option is to let this heart grow cold and close off with everytime I love someone and then kill the love within and without as a response to the hate, anger, fear, or lack of love coming from them….
Our world so vast
so beautiful and yet under all the protest and the war
under all the confusion and insanity
is a truth I see everyday that stings inside of me as a constant reminder….
to try to love no matter what ruthless no matter how challenging ever ending even at the death of my pride and ego each time I reach out despite the response, each time I make a song despite the end of its reach, to do things because of love and for love not for things that will fade in the passing day….
I live in a world full of some people may not understand and yet I have found more support love and compassion within it then anywhere else in the world and I am thankful for all of them for they remind me there is still love that is endless dreams without a ceiling and the potential to do anything who support me through all of my ups and downs my bliss and breakdowns my dreams and when my world crashes down, I am thankful to have found a world in which if I can dream it I can create it and somewhere someone will be there to run with me through these fields and fantasies crossing back into reality….
On the way here someone came up to me ” your not from around here” ” no I am not ” ” where are you from ” ” Los Angeles” I looked at him I saw way more then I knew how to explain in 5 seconds…
” some places have more doors then others , leave while you still have the chance “
I walked off , sometimes if you stay in the same place afraid to move you never get to reach that other world where dreams and reality fuse in magical connections, There are times I have to leave to go to follow something so translucent its only a soft melody under the noise buried in my soul, but if i follow it I always find myself at home…
home is a place where I can be me
free
open
loving
connected
one
with those around me
without judgement without fear
this may be heaven… and I may already be here….
and I am thankful for this even though in moments its challenging and one day I hope everyone will be here for in the end all the petty things that tear us apart
are nothing but ashes and dust all that matters is the love we share everything else is fades into the wind… into the past… all these rules are nothing more then invisible lines keeping us seperated and torn apart from our own hearts….
its challenging to transform the things that hurt into a open heart over and over but its the only way not to let the empty petty things tear love away
and so here I continue to try to stay
